4A - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, March 8, 2001 (14jewcbigttn a 420 MAYNARD STREET ANN ARBOR, MI 48109 daily.letters@umich.edu The hitchhiker's guide to the Daily CwMus KULA UNSUN A'NN ARBOR EDITED AND MANAGED BY STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SINCE 1890 GEOFFREY GAGNON Editor in Chief MICHAEL GRASS NICHOLAS WOOMER Editorial Page Editors Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Mi~higan Daily - Keids come up to me on the street all the time and ask, "Kula, what's the best way to read the Daily?" "Under heavy seda- tion," I reply, offering them barely-legal painkillers. "No, no," they say, accepting the pills, "I mean, when I pick up the Daily, in what order should I read it?" That's a good question. The way I see it, reading The Michigan Daily is much like visit- ing a big city for the first time: Unless you know what you're doing, it's easy to end up a broken man, laying penniless and unconscious in the gutter. And since I've witnessed one too many haggard soul passed out along State Street with a copy of SportsMonday draped over his face, I've taken the time to draw up "The Official Guide to The Michigan Daily," the first authori- tative manual on how to read this very student newspaper. By following my special strategies, you too can achieve the kind of flat, sexy abs - er, reading pleasure you've always dreamed of, satisfaction guaranteed. Part One: Acquisition, By Any Means Nec- essary You cannot partake in the experience that is the Daily unless you first pick up a copy of the paper on your way to class. Sometimes, in busy spots like Angell Hall or the MLB, it can get fairly crowded around the paper racks, with all manner of 18 to 24 year-olds vying for a Daily. To make sure you get yours, it's best to adopt the persona of a colorfully nicknamed, former NBA big man. Attack the rack like a Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins, box out like a Bad Boy-era John "Spider" Salley and throw some elbows in the style of a Robert "The Chief' Parrish. If you bring your A game, there's a chance you'll not only get a paper but also some signif- icant minutes in the paint with the men's varsity next year. Part Two: All the News That's (More or Less) Fit to Print After sitting down in your classroom and pulling out the paper, the first thing you should look at is the front page; it's where you'll find the most important breaking news stories that no one ever reads all the way through. By just skimming the headlines, you can get all the front page info you need in approximately, oh, 12.4 seconds. So in real time, the average front page, in its entirety, reads as such: "Bollinger to leave Uni- versity for Adams College (STOP) 'U' prof honored for kumquat research (STOP) Women's studies majors fight hairy stereotypes (STOP) Greek system sanctioned for sheep abuse (STOP) Dance Marathon organizers book Vitamin C." Annnnd ... you're enlightened! Part Three: It's a Matter of Opinion (or Dif'rent Strokes to Rule the World) Having slightly increased your awareness of inconsequential current events, it's now time to turn directly to the editorial page. The contro- versy-seeking page four is the most popular section of the Daily in the way that Scott Farcus is the most popular kid on the playground: Peo- ple love to hate it and hate to love it. But there's always a laugh to be had on the editorial page, if not through some letter writer's display of Ted Nugent-like conser- vatism then through the all-too-common "I've learned so much more outside the classroom" cliche that seems to pop up in nearly, oh, 87.9 percent of all Daily columns. And speaking of columns, don't even both- er with the Thursday guy: He kant wright 4 his life. Part Four: What's Nine Lettersfor "Sweet Salvation "? In my years at the University, I've learned so much more outside the classroom, with one such lesson being that the Daily's crossword puzzle can make an hour and a half lecture seem shorter than a Color Me Badd greatest hits album. Cherish the across, celebrate the down and milk that puzzle for all it's worth - it's the Daily's greatest asset. Long before Ralph Williams comes sailing down the stairs of the auditorium, you should have the crossword neatly torn out of the paper and discreetly placed on your desk so that a slight push of your note- book will keep it hidden from academic eyes. While your peers blindly put their faith in note-taking, you can be solving real problems like figuring out a six-letter answer to "loved Chachi" (10 DOWN). Part Five: ...And the Rest I don't know much about Daily Arts. I think it has something to do with movies, music, tele- vision and other things that really aren't applic- able to college kids. And I'm pretty sure that Daily Sports closed up shop after Woodson went pro, but I could be wrong. What I know for sure, though, is that by reading the Daily every day for three months, I dropped 40 pounds and 6 inches - thanks Michigan Daily! Chris Kula's column runs every Thursday. Give him feedback at ckula@umich.edu or www.michigandaily.com/forum. u \ OAT FOOTNAU. TOCETS? ,Y U? WE GOT A PROJECTED EFICIT TO COVED. 1 . I PA i Despite good intentions, Hideki's election was a joke TO THE DAILY: Anuj Vohra's recent letter, "Hideki's victory due to dedication, hard work, not a joke" (3/5/01), criticizing the Daily's Michigan Studen Assembly election editorial was wrong-headed. While Hideki didn't think his campaign was a joke, I do believe he was elected as something of a joke. Like my friend Vohra, I am no longer a resident of Ann Arbor and cannot comment on Hideki's current leadership. On the other hand, I was around when the student body elected him, and know that he was elected because his cam- paign had become a campus-wide joke. I don't mean to criticize Hided. I have no doubt that he is very well-meaning and really had a strong desire to serve in a student govern- ment position. In fact, from what I knew of him, his motivations for running for office were probably more pure than most MSA politicos I saw in my four years at the University. But that does not change the fact that his presidency was the result of a haphazard joke of an election. His constant campaigning, which as far as I know started back as early as the May before his run for office, made him something of a humorous campus icon. Think Shaky Jake (only not homeless) with a sand- wich board. Come election time, he was able to parlay this notoriety into a seat at the head of MSA. But did students really vote forahim because of his message? No. Few, if any, people vote for MSA because they believe in the candidate. Election to the assembly has always been about whether you get enough of your friends and your friends' friends to the polls to vote for you. When the turnout is only around 10 to 20 per- cent of the student body, you don't need a whole lot of people on your side. The substance of the candidates' message don't really matter; whether or not the candidates can make their names stick out in people's minds when they vote does. That's why Angell Hall turns into a poster-covered mess right before election day. That's why the campaign advertisements dis- play the candidates' names in 60-point type and Ic _.. ~. i i M1 i { __ __&OO I resign their platform to 14-point type. Hideki is not a man with a message. He's a guy that came up with a good PR strategy - constant saturation will induce people to think of you humorously, remember and maybe even vote for you. It's a tactic that would almost cer- tainly work again, if only someone could be bothered to get out of the line at Rick's long enough to put that much effort into it. JACK SCHILLACI Alumnus The letter writer served as Daily Editorial Page Editor from 1998-99. Reviewers show 'utter stupidity' To THE DAiLY: After reading several Daily arts staffers' recent review of "Everyday," the newest album from the Dave Matthew's Band, we have come to the conclusion that none of them, with the possible exception of Chris Kula, know a thing about music. First off, in regards to the review by Dustin Seibert, we will not even comment on the ignorance and utter stupidity displayed in his writings. In order to be a good critic, one should be free of all bias, but Seibert seems to hate everything that does not contain either window shaking bass or a parental guidance label. We would like to point out that zero of the top ten selling albums of all time even remotely resemble his musical tastes. Secondly, to John Uhl, Dave Matthew's last CD "Crash" contained what people perceive to be sexual content, yet that did not stop it from going multi-platinum. Dave's lyrics are poetry, they mean whatever the listener interprets to mean. Obviously Uhl must be the one that is horny, sincethat is how he wishes to hear Dave's lyrics. We have a question. When an artist changes style, does that call for a poor review? No. We'd like to point out a few artists that have had some success in the music world, while undergoing numerous changes. Bob Dylan, for example. Much like Dave, Dylan switched from the acoustic guitar to the electric in his controversial album "Highway 61 Revis- ited" and in the process was virtually crucified. That album contained one of the most critically acclaimed rock and roll songs of all time "Like a Rolling Stone." Another example of this is the Beatles and their "White" album, a far cry from their previously released material, but is one of the greatest selling albums of all time. I suggest finding people who listen to a CD a few times before writing a review, rather than listing to an album while drinking beer then rushing to meet a deadline. 4 i KURT BRUDE LY JOHN SPYTEK LSA sophomores Editor's note: The letter "Amaker is wrong choice for 'U' basketball coach" (2/7/01) was written by L.SA sophomore Joey Linan. .1 Why the affirmative action trial was so important VIEWPOINT The recent decision by federal District Judge Patrick Duggan regarding the student intervenors in the undergraduate University affirmative action case, Gratz v. Bollinger, makes all the clearer why we, the student inter- venors in the University Law School case, demanded a trial. Duggan basically threw out all of the claims of the student intervenors in the undergraduate case. He did this without even holding a trial. This was the same judge who originally ruled that the black and Latino/a student intervenors had no right to be a party in the case at all (the higher 611 Circuit appeals court later overruled him by letting the student intervenors into the case). His recent decision on the student inter- venors' claims in the undergraduate case is his own way of sidestepping the appeals court's move forward unless you struggle. No judge - especially a conservative federal judge - was going to rule for the student intervenors' claims without a trial. Getting one to rule favorably even with the strongest possible trial case is in no way certain. Duggan's prejudiced and intellectually lazy decision makes even clearer why our recent trial in the University Law School case, Grutter v. Bollinger, was so critically important. We fought for a trial. We fought for a trial to lift the stigma that the Center for Individual Rights and the other opponents of affirmative action have put over the heads of every black, Latino/a and Native American student at the University. We fought for a trial because, regardless of how Judge Bernard Friedman rules in the Law School case, we have cleared out some ground to fight on. We fought for a trial because "if there is no struggle there is no progress" (Frederik Dou- the 30 hours they had available to demonstrate their commitment to the principle of diversity and their affirmative action policies. By con- trast, the student intervenors used almost every minute we had - 28 hours and 48 minutes - leaving time for the closing argument. Our trial made clear not only the harm that segregation does, it made clear that there is a new movement that is determined to fight for integration. Duggan did not hear about the promise of integration. He did not hear about the possibili- ty of a society freed of segregation and inequal- ity. Friedman did. Regardless of how Friedman rules, we have drawn a line to fight over. Through our trial, the student intervenors increased our chances of winning in the District Court, in the 6'1 Circuit Appeals Court and at the US Supreme Court. Through our trial, we are beginning to E c s t ~uirnn iesenoirt wunrit{rnurre