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January 26, 2001 - Image 3

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 2001-01-26

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

- _ _ __ -

CRIME
N 0 T ES

REAL
CRI M

The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, September 27, 2001- 3
BOCAs TATE ise
60 Ckger S Sx app4eal draws female praiSe

Hideki slain in
State St. motor-
Cade; dead at 21
Michigan Student Assembly presi-
dent Hideki "Irabu" Tsutsumi was
assassinated during a friendly State St.
9 public appearance which was to be
followed by a book signing at the Lib-
erty St. Border's.
Waving and blowing an occasional
ur kiss to his many fans, Hideki seemed
to be enjoying the parade as much as
* the PB&J sitting on his lap. But then,
S. tragedy stuck.
to Hideki reached down for his sand-
fts wich, only to be struck in the left eye
in by a high-caliber, hollow-tipped bul-
let. Death was instantaneous.
The late president's final words
were, "Lower textbook prices."
w Hideki's personal memoir, "Hi Ho
Hideki-o," can be purchased for 5. 17
- at most used bookstores.
Officer Jack Noseworthy appre-
hended a lone gunman in the sixth
floor of the Michigan Book and Sup-
ply Depository.
g story conference
e. food stolen
b DPS reports state that story confer-
eS, ence food, a staple of Daily Life, was
k stolen earlier this semester. Clearly
distraught, a Daily News Editor item-
ized the stolen food as follows:
>o ' Three gummi bears
a Four bugles
In Two Chips Ahoy
K Daily editors suspect members of
the Sports Staff of masterminding the
dastardly theft. No arrests have been
made. Yet.
; - Students got drunk, according to
DPS reports.
S. a Brawl erupts at
es i1108 Thugz show
ek A concert by popular Ann Arbor
nlt
en thug poets 1108 Thugz was marred by
ge an ugly brawl outside the Michigan
League ballroom.
nd
he Luther Campbell, formerly of 2
d Live Crew, who's had a long history
S? fb hd bln dwith the Thia isc-

Sexy hair, great legs have
characterized Bollinger's
term as U. President
By Candy Cohen
For the Daily
He's a sexy, sexy man.
In a last ditch effort to prevent University
President Lee Bollinger from leaving the Uni-
versity in favor of the Harvard presidency, a
group of the University's girliest girls are
standing up for Bollinger.
"I want to run my fingers through his mop
top and take him back to my apartment for a
hop flop;' said LSA senior Emily Achenbaum.
She is one of many who have called Harvard to
convince them Bollinger is not their man.
"He's my man," said LSA junior Kelly
O'Connor, adding that she and her room-
mates often sit at home discussing the perfect
date with Bollinger.
Bollinger became president in 1997

after a long and exhausting search. While
the search committee claimed they were
looking for a high-profile, multi-talented
kind of guy, inside sources reveal that
candidates actually endured a technotron-
ic dance competition and were forced to
share their blow-drying secrets.
On their quest to expose Bollinger's worst
qualities to Harvard, the girls say theyhave
found nothing. Instead, they spend their time
trying to discover what shampoo he uses.
Recently, the University girly girls conduct-
ed a study regarding his shampoo choice and
found that on heads of hair with Bollinger's
color and consistency, Paul Mitchell seemed
to produce a deliciously messy flop similar to
that which Bollinger sports during University
Board of Regents meetings.
For some ladies, its not just his pretty face
that gets them going - it's what's below the
neck.
"Bollinger's neckties are what really get me
hot," said LSA senior Jaimie Winkler.
"I only covered administration for the Daily

to get closer to Bollinger. Sometimes, I would
catch him glancing at me as Provost Cantor
gave her reports and it always kept me com-
ing back for more. He's the real Michigan
Great," she said.
LSA senior Nika Schulte has not exercised
since middle school, but has penciled in every
presidential fun run since her freshman year
to catch a glimpse of his calves.
"Each year I bring a sign urging Bollinger to
participate in the Naked Mile," Schulte said.
"So far I've only gotten polite smiles. That's
why I'm staying an extra year."
While Schulte plans to stick around for
Bollinger, LSA senior Jewel Gopwani said he
was her deciding factor.
"I had the option between State and U-M;'
she said, "When Bollinger was chosen - it
was a hands-down choice."
While Bollinger could not comment on his
admirers (remember: he is in California) the
University's female community hopes he'll be
around to gaze at long after Harvard's made
its decision.

FILE PHOTO
University President Lee Bollinger is believed to be "one
sexy brother" by Daily columnist Branden Sanz.

Flying Fish

New study shows,1JTV
causes cancer (~~4~ .

t

'1

S i

.r

By Elizabeth Pensier
Daily Cancer Expert/Liaison
A recent study at the University of California at Berkeley
suggests that excessive exposure to programs shown on the
MTV (Music Television) cable network may lead to the
development of cancerous tumors.
"For more than a decade, it's been well known in the
scientific community that watching MTV causes can-
cer," said study spokeswoman Dr. Dallas Hicks.
"Studies dating as far back as 1983 show an unnerv-
ing correlation between hours of MTV watched and
prevalence of malignant tumors. We began our study
with the simple hope of pinpointing which part of the
human anatomy the cancer cells were most drawn to,
specifically."
We found that the brain is most affected by MTV, although
there were also isolated instances of malignancies found in

the heart, prostate and nervous systems of some survey sub-
jects."
The figures from Hicks' study show that regular
viewers of programs such as Total Request Live,
Undressed, The Real World and MTV Cribs are as
much as ten times more likely to grow dangerous
brain tumors than those who only watch network tele-
vision programming,
Meanwhile, Hicks' results show that at least one of
MTV's offshoot cable stations is notably less lethal
According to Hicks, "the chances that those who
watch TRL 24-7 will need an MRI is two time's as
high as viewers who O.D. on MTV2." A similar s~I-dy
is just under way at Harvard. Meanwhile, Hicks adlis-
es that "anyone who watches MTV regularly sholild
have their head checked."
P ~)M ;x

I A look at the
underside of U of M

or
nd
ng
nd
ns
le
el

or oau o ou wim te nugz, is sus-
pected of raisin' a mad furious ruckus
at the show.
No charges were filed. No balls
were placed in any mouths.
English prof hits
on spiritual poetry,
pretty coeds
An acclaimed hipster poet and Uni-
versity professor, known to his many
fans as Boom Boom, was brought up
on sexual harassment charges yester-

LookiJo PARTY for
Spr ak 001 ?
STS has guara rpric o lowing destinations,
BAHA M l - X OL LORIDA
W t _aFront @ 559
+Acs 1S E--° Starting @ 499
,t~r~eIcon <Apu o Starting @ 649
:1800648-4849 CallT:ody. Space in Limited;il
---------------------------------r m m--------- a

LOUIS BROWN/Daily
Olympic hopeful and Daily Staff Reporter Jen Fish works her pecs, lats,
quads, biceps and various back muscles while contemplating Newton's
Second Law of Physics. Stay pumped, Fishl
Alice found to be
tanlDon snatcher

www.universitysecrets.com

Following a reading from his latest -
nt ; notebook jottings, Prof. Robert Chill-
d! ingshack plopped down next to an SpeCially brought to "
s attractive coed and proceeded to pon
seduce her with his microphone. He you with a little bit of "I t
declined her many requests to remove gsd dust fr
himself from the area and responded go prov
by removing a small notebook from By Robert Gold T
his jacket pocket and scribbling down Member of the "real" world puzz
a transcript of her complaints. When mon
authorities removed him from the The serial tampon snatcher has tam
classroom, Boom Boom screeched, finally been nabbed, Department of P
"Dig this, to his many fans. Public Safety officials announced yes- trat
or terday. ma
or < Tn Delt enjoys, Caught croutching behind a West al.
K-y: purges breadstick Quadrangle vending machine, Ann C
-e The Davis, known as Alice Nelson, fett
me The bathroom at Amer's was taint- from The Brady Bunch, was tack- only
ed by the smell of Greek vomit yester- led by a team of go getter universi- no o
day afternoon. ty safety patrollers as she licked may
No charges were filed. the feminine hygiene product, B
W ESL associate dean while murmuring "Bobby, don't be fet
a race care driver, you'll smoke who
declares, "English: youself" U
Declar e "Engl : yDavis, a University alum, said she the
Do you speak it, could never duplicate the whole-
someness of the The Brady Bunch ma
ou r, r e crew and the videos of Greg and She
Dean S.L. J son threatened a d Mrs. D
dared international student Kim Bo Brady boinking, but she was try- adi
Kim to "say 'What?' one more time." ing anyways by returning to her Ann cla
No charges were filed. . Arbor roots. fro
Correction: =
0 This (almost) everything was igcorrectly reported in yesterday's Ann Arbor News.

I was first introduced to tam-
s at the University," Davis said.
hought it was a cotton dick at
t so I shrieked and called the
vost."
he University community has been
zled and disturbed for the last six
nths over the shenanigans of the
pon crook.
enned "pony" by the adminis-
ion, the thief robbed 21 tampon
chines of their precious materi-
officials originally targeted Smur-
e as the culprit, because she is the
y female smurf and she would have
one to borrow tampons from except
ybe "Brainy Smurf."
But, this lead died, when Smur-
te was found dead in a Thai
orehouse.
University students expressed relief
fiend was finally caught.
I am so sick of stealing my grand-
ma's Depends," Music sophmore
rri Sherbert said.
DPS officials said that Nelson
mitted to the crime spree and
timed she also stole a maxi pad
a,high level administrator.

.< ,

THE CALENDAR

What's happening in Ann Arbor this weekend

FRIDAY
"My Life as a Loser," Sponsored by
the Michigan Society of the Ugly,
Dumb and Flat out Helpless, Part
1 of the 25 part series, 8:00 p.m.
because hey, it's Friday night and
you don't have a date.

"Blackouts, Vomiting and Waking
upin the wrong bed: What to do
the day after," Sponsored by the
intra-Fraternal Council, noon,
ZBT house, Don't call, just show
up, the phones might be tapped
SATURDAY

MONDAY
0 Michiguama Meeting, Help plot how
to take down BAMN and the SCC,
the new place, not the wig-wam.
10:00 p.m.
SERVICES

Si I

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