- _ _ __ - CRIME N 0 T ES REAL CRI M The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, September 27, 2001- 3 BOCAs TATE ise 60 Ckger S Sx app4eal draws female praiSe Hideki slain in State St. motor- Cade; dead at 21 Michigan Student Assembly presi- dent Hideki "Irabu" Tsutsumi was assassinated during a friendly State St. 9 public appearance which was to be followed by a book signing at the Lib- erty St. Border's. Waving and blowing an occasional ur kiss to his many fans, Hideki seemed to be enjoying the parade as much as * the PB&J sitting on his lap. But then, S. tragedy stuck. to Hideki reached down for his sand- fts wich, only to be struck in the left eye in by a high-caliber, hollow-tipped bul- let. Death was instantaneous. The late president's final words were, "Lower textbook prices." w Hideki's personal memoir, "Hi Ho Hideki-o," can be purchased for 5. 17 - at most used bookstores. Officer Jack Noseworthy appre- hended a lone gunman in the sixth floor of the Michigan Book and Sup- ply Depository. g story conference e. food stolen b DPS reports state that story confer- eS, ence food, a staple of Daily Life, was k stolen earlier this semester. Clearly distraught, a Daily News Editor item- ized the stolen food as follows: >o ' Three gummi bears a Four bugles In Two Chips Ahoy K Daily editors suspect members of the Sports Staff of masterminding the dastardly theft. No arrests have been made. Yet. ; - Students got drunk, according to DPS reports. S. a Brawl erupts at es i1108 Thugz show ek A concert by popular Ann Arbor nlt en thug poets 1108 Thugz was marred by ge an ugly brawl outside the Michigan League ballroom. nd he Luther Campbell, formerly of 2 d Live Crew, who's had a long history S? fb hd bln dwith the Thia isc- Sexy hair, great legs have characterized Bollinger's term as U. President By Candy Cohen For the Daily He's a sexy, sexy man. In a last ditch effort to prevent University President Lee Bollinger from leaving the Uni- versity in favor of the Harvard presidency, a group of the University's girliest girls are standing up for Bollinger. "I want to run my fingers through his mop top and take him back to my apartment for a hop flop;' said LSA senior Emily Achenbaum. She is one of many who have called Harvard to convince them Bollinger is not their man. "He's my man," said LSA junior Kelly O'Connor, adding that she and her room- mates often sit at home discussing the perfect date with Bollinger. Bollinger became president in 1997 after a long and exhausting search. While the search committee claimed they were looking for a high-profile, multi-talented kind of guy, inside sources reveal that candidates actually endured a technotron- ic dance competition and were forced to share their blow-drying secrets. On their quest to expose Bollinger's worst qualities to Harvard, the girls say theyhave found nothing. Instead, they spend their time trying to discover what shampoo he uses. Recently, the University girly girls conduct- ed a study regarding his shampoo choice and found that on heads of hair with Bollinger's color and consistency, Paul Mitchell seemed to produce a deliciously messy flop similar to that which Bollinger sports during University Board of Regents meetings. For some ladies, its not just his pretty face that gets them going - it's what's below the neck. "Bollinger's neckties are what really get me hot," said LSA senior Jaimie Winkler. "I only covered administration for the Daily to get closer to Bollinger. Sometimes, I would catch him glancing at me as Provost Cantor gave her reports and it always kept me com- ing back for more. He's the real Michigan Great," she said. LSA senior Nika Schulte has not exercised since middle school, but has penciled in every presidential fun run since her freshman year to catch a glimpse of his calves. "Each year I bring a sign urging Bollinger to participate in the Naked Mile," Schulte said. "So far I've only gotten polite smiles. That's why I'm staying an extra year." While Schulte plans to stick around for Bollinger, LSA senior Jewel Gopwani said he was her deciding factor. "I had the option between State and U-M;' she said, "When Bollinger was chosen - it was a hands-down choice." While Bollinger could not comment on his admirers (remember: he is in California) the University's female community hopes he'll be around to gaze at long after Harvard's made its decision. FILE PHOTO University President Lee Bollinger is believed to be "one sexy brother" by Daily columnist Branden Sanz. Flying Fish New study shows,1JTV causes cancer (~~4~ . t '1 S i .r By Elizabeth Pensier Daily Cancer Expert/Liaison A recent study at the University of California at Berkeley suggests that excessive exposure to programs shown on the MTV (Music Television) cable network may lead to the development of cancerous tumors. "For more than a decade, it's been well known in the scientific community that watching MTV causes can- cer," said study spokeswoman Dr. Dallas Hicks. "Studies dating as far back as 1983 show an unnerv- ing correlation between hours of MTV watched and prevalence of malignant tumors. We began our study with the simple hope of pinpointing which part of the human anatomy the cancer cells were most drawn to, specifically." We found that the brain is most affected by MTV, although there were also isolated instances of malignancies found in the heart, prostate and nervous systems of some survey sub- jects." The figures from Hicks' study show that regular viewers of programs such as Total Request Live, Undressed, The Real World and MTV Cribs are as much as ten times more likely to grow dangerous brain tumors than those who only watch network tele- vision programming, Meanwhile, Hicks' results show that at least one of MTV's offshoot cable stations is notably less lethal According to Hicks, "the chances that those who watch TRL 24-7 will need an MRI is two time's as high as viewers who O.D. on MTV2." A similar s~I-dy is just under way at Harvard. Meanwhile, Hicks adlis- es that "anyone who watches MTV regularly sholild have their head checked." P ~)M ;x I A look at the underside of U of M or nd ng nd ns le el or oau o ou wim te nugz, is sus- pected of raisin' a mad furious ruckus at the show. No charges were filed. No balls were placed in any mouths. English prof hits on spiritual poetry, pretty coeds An acclaimed hipster poet and Uni- versity professor, known to his many fans as Boom Boom, was brought up on sexual harassment charges yester- LookiJo PARTY for Spr ak 001 ? STS has guara rpric o lowing destinations, BAHA M l - X OL LORIDA W t _aFront @ 559 +Acs 1S E--° Starting @ 499 ,t~r~eIcon