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November 21, 2000 - Image 4

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The Michigan Daily, 2000-11-21

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4 - The Michigan Daily - Tuesday, November 21, 2000

Mbe Bitigan &dlu

420 Maynard Street
Ann Arbor, MI 48109
Edited and managed by
students at the
University of Michigan

Editor in Chief
Editorial Page Editor

Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of
the Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not
necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily.

Being George WI
M y fellow Americans: The proceedings of
a hard year have come to an end. Your
President-elect seeks your attention. Millions
of dollars spent on make-up, English-tutors,
bus-drivers and making my wife Laura look
hot are paying off, even though the Mickey
Mouse State's tree-
hugging Supreme
Court judges have
complicated my plans ,
for holidaying in Bush
Country before I take g
office. Before I contin-
ue on that note, I urge
you to go to george- A
e r / c a u c a s i a n -
isolationists.html and s
donate for stopping the
recounting effort; dona- Waj
tions will also be chan- Syed
neled for purchasing t
high-powered rifles to
teach those 19,000
hippy bastards who
voted wrong and are demanding a revote a les-
If you're fat, white and rich and/or look like
Charlton Heston or Norman Schwarzkopf,
don't bother spending too much time on read-
ing this. You've probably voted for me and
there is nothing in this argument you haven't
heard before. If you're not (fat, white and rich),
let me woo you into accepting me as the most
powerful man in the, world (although at this
point I don't need your endorsement, just a few
of my fellow Texans going medievally cowboy
on those damn Floridians).
You know as well as I that the cat's in the

bag, and even though my respectable opponent
is tossing footballs around and trying to look
under control, you know he isn't. The Dubya
has landed. So tune in to Bush talk and I
promise that by the time I'm done with you,
you too will be a part of that penultimate sector
of elite socio-economic groupings: Fat, white
and rich and very, very Jesus endorsed.
Like all things about me, I will keep this
brief. I am offering Colin Powell the job of
Secretary of State. He's bombed a few Iraqis in
his day and can reload a Colt .32 in three sec-
onds flat. That's all that is needed for a man
who could be president if I kill myself shaving
and Dick Cheney chokes on that blood-red T-
bone he eats thrice a day. The Rock, from the
WWF, is going to be my Secretary of Defense.
He got me the imperative white-trash vote by
coming to the Republican Convention and is
obviously the man for the job if we need to
bomb the Iraqis again one of these days.
I'm still working on the other cabinet
appointments, but let me assure you, your
future Secretaries of Treasury, Energy, Interior
and others will all be capable, fat, white and
rich men (except Powell, who's almost there)
and women who excel at eating meat, reload-
ing guns, reading the bible backwards and
bombing the Iraqis. America is in safe hands.
Mine. I may be reputed to have been a cheer-
leading, coke-snorting pansie once, but I've
also done my share of being a good Texan:
Hundreds of summary executions and botched
up teen-age abortions hang from my belt.
It may seem that I'm pissing my pants in
the Austin mansion, but I'm not worried at all.
I am ticked at that Katherine Harris though.
The bitch was going to announce me President
before I could. If she were in Texas, she'd be

talking to the priest right now, final pleas and
everything. But I digress.
In summation, my plan for government is
simple: I will hire lawyers to run the economy,
televangelists to judge on the Supreme Court,
ex-commandos to handle foreign policy, mort-
gage-bankers to administer Social Security and
former-wrestlers to enhance Medicare. The
American people will no longer have to see a
president take a media-enhanced democratic
dump like the Lewinsky scandal, as all the
women who will intern at the White House w
shut-up and put out like good southern bellk
are supposed to.
An extra 100 trillion on defense, immigra-
tion and Star Wars will take care of every one
from the Iraqis to the Mexicans to the Mar-
tians. If you can buy, my new economy will
sell everything from vouchers to Viagra to
Volvos - if you can't, there's always church
and loans. We'll microwave the Cold War back
into action, cruise-missile terrorist-states (basi-
cally all those unpronounceable countries end-
ing with "stan") and isolate tho
square-spectacled, bearded, third-party hippies.
We'll build a new America on the grave of
popular elections, forever upholding the slave-
enhanced electoral-college. Jails will look
black and colleges will look white. What more
can I say for myself? My redeeming qualities
got lost somewhere between Yale and Harvard.
I am pathetically rich, traditionally white
and arbitrarily male. I prefer abstinence educa-
tion to condoms. I am very, very Jes
endorsed. I am compassionately brain dead
conservatively mind numbed. I am now your
next president. Deal with it, and hear me roar.
- Waj Syed can be reached via e-mail dt

3ush: Why

I deserve

to be President

Binge drinking is everyone's problem

T he death of Engineering sophomore
Byung Soo Kim is a tragedy which
should serve as a reminder to other stu-
dents that the problem of binge drinking
at the University is one which cannot be
While college students should take it
upon themselves to
become educated about Binge dri
the risks of binge drink-
ing, there are policies the Unive
which the University can problem
implement which will
help raise awareness cannot b
about a problem which is
an increasing concern on college cam-
puses across the country.
A survey conducted in 1999 by
researchers at Harvard University showed
that out of 28,709 students in 140 schools
surveyed, 44 percent had engaged in
binge drinking (the consumption of five
or more drinks by men or four or more
by women) within a week prior to filling
out the questionnaire. However, the study
also concludes that although efforts at
educational measures - such as those
taken here by University officials to dis-
tributing literature - should continue,
they are not enough.
The responsibility of education and
the provision of alternative social options
does not rest solely with the University,
however. Programs such as the Be
Responsible About Drinking (B.R.A.D.)
campaign which began at Michigan State
University after Brad McCue died from
alcohol poisoning just after his 21st birth-

day are examples of effective community
pro-action. Through this program, stu-
dents at 34 colleges in 16 states (includ-
ing eight colleges in Michigan) receive
birthday cards on their 21st birthdays
which outline the dangers of irresponsi-
ble alcohol consumption. More programs
such as this and an
king at increase in community
action could lead to a
rsity is a decline in binge drink-
ha ing on college campus-



ignored. While campaigns
_ and programs can help
to remedy this problem, they can only do
so much and will never completely end
binge drinking. Therefore, it is necessary
that institutions such as the University
ensure that students feel comfortable
contacting police, hospitals and even res-
idential advisors for help when students
feel that someone else is in danger. The
University would also do well to discour-
age the Ann Arbor Police Department
from distributing MIP's to students. If the
possibility of receiving an MIP is less of
a threat, students might feel more com-
fortable in seeking the outside help that
might save someone's life.
Finally, the drinking age should be
lowered from 21 to 18. Eighteen percent
of students over 21 engage in binge drink-
ing while 22 percent of students under 21
do. To lower the drinking age would
encourage students to consume alcohol in
a more responsible way and to not per-
ceive its abuse as a rite of passage.

'We go to Tim Horton's to get coffee or
the casino until we sober up.'

- Natalie Ross, School of Music junior; on her drinking experiences in Canada.,

Washington, D.C. deserves representation

T oday in America, there are more
than 560,000 people who pay federal
taxes but do not have representation in
the United States House or Senate. These
people are the inhabitants of the District
of Columbia. While District residents
currently pay more than $2 billion annu-
ally in federal taxes, they have only a sin-
gle nonvoting member in the House to
represent their interests. District residents
deserve true home rule and representa-
tion in the federal government. The citi-
- zens of Washington,
D.C. deserve represen- Taxation
tation - something represent
needs to change, be it
awarding the district fundamen
statehood, assigning it a
nearby state, a constitu- unfair, ani
tional amendment or deserves
another yet to be pro-
posed solution. resolutior
This issue is rapidly
coming to a head: Last summer, the
"District of Columbia Council," an elect-
ed governing body established in the
home rule act of 1974, voted to change
the official D.C. license plate to read
"Taxation without Representation,"
replacing the old "Celebrate and Discov-
er." Eleanor Holmes Norton, the district's
nonvoting delegate to Congress, plans on
introducing two pieces of legislation in
January: One bill to exempt district resi-
dents from federal taxes, and another to
give her the right to vote on the House
floor. In October, the Supreme Court
voted to uphold a federal court's decision
that, although admitting the "inequity of
the situation," decided that the constitu-
tion did not give D.C. residents voting
rights. And in recent elections, a political
party representing the statehood move-
ment, the Statehood Green party, has
sponsored candidates in local elections.
Last Friday, the Stand Up for Democ-
racy in D.C. Coalition and the D.C.
Democracy 7, a group of activists arrest-
ed for protesting D.C.'s disenfranchise-
ment in the gallery of the U.S. House of


Representatives, staged a protest outside
the Supreme Court to support what they
perceive to be a similar situation in Flori-
da: Citizens denied basic civil rights.
Under the current system, the House and
Senate often overturn democratically
made decisions in D.C., denying D.C.
residents the right to rule themselves.
Although the "District of Columbia
Council" was created in 1974, this body
has been ineffective due to poor organi-
zation and its reliance on the House and
Senate for a budget.
dthot Although most power
ition is has been given to this
body, the constitution
ally gives final administra-
tive power to the House
and Senate, and in
wift recent years House
members have shown a
penchant for micro-
management: After
D.C. residents passed a medical mari-
juana bill, Republican house members
axed funding for the program to institute
it, effectively preempting the resident's
The poor organization and political
weakness of the Council has led to fur-
ther problems: President Clinton signed a
law in 1995 giving full control of D.C.
finances to the "D.C. Financial Responsi-
bility and Management Assistance
Authority," or simply the Control Board,
until 1999, or the city's budget is bal-
anced. This appointed body enjoys wide
discretion in controlling D.C. finances,
further frustrating citizen's basic right to
democratic government.
Whatever the solution - statehood,
constitutional amendment, true home-
rule and House voting rights - the resi-
dents of D.C. deserve a speedy remedy to
their current situation. While some have
qualms about placing the federal govern-
ment within a state, or giving a non-state
voting rights in the House, taxation with-
out representation is fundamentally
unfair and deserves swift resolution.

'U' drinking a cause
for student concern
I must express my concern about the way in
which the University plans to deal with the trag-
ic death of Engineering sophomore Byung Soo
Kim. The University's only solution has been to
create more educational programs to inform stu-
dents about the dangers of drinking.
Students already know the data on the dan-
gers of drinking. I went to school here as an
undergraduate student, I attended the skits in the
dorms and I still went out on my 21st birthday
and did shots. From a public health perspective,
the University needs to focus on more than just
the individual, it needs to focus on the environ-
ment of students. Students do not just live on the
campus, they live in the city of Ann Arbor,
something the University seems to think it has
little control over. The University should work
with local city officials and local pub and liquor
store owners to help make sure that students are
drinking responsibly. Local pub owners can
make sure that customers are not allowed to
drink until they end up in the hospital and many
local pubs have such policies already, but rarely
enforce them.
I doubt that the sole culprit here is that Kim's
friends did not understand the danger of doing
20 shots of whisky in 90 minutes. You cannot
just jam the message of responsible drinking
down students' throats and assume your job is
done. You need to work on policies that will
improve the environment in which students both
study and live.
Editorial wronged
Scouts' image
I feel that I must reply to the Daily editorial
on the matter of gay Boy Scout leadersh "Deny
discrimination, Boy Scouts not entitled to school

access," 11/20/00). The Boy Scouts of America
do not have any sort of anti-gay policy whatso-
ever. The ruling of the Supreme Court is, in fact,
similar to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy
which governs the military. The case that went
to the Court dealt with a Scoutmaster who open-
ly publicized his sexuality in his role as a mem-
ber of the Boy Scouts.
This advocacy of his sexuality is not
allowed, whether homosexual or heterosexual.
A leader's discussion of his sexuality -is not
appropriate to the Boy Scouts, and that is why
they protested it. The ruling does not allow any
sort of exclusion of gay boys, as the Daily indi-
cates. The fact that a youth organization does
not endorse the discussion of sexuality does not
mean that they are discriminatory, but rather that
they feel that the topic is not appropriate to their
organization. If the BSA had not expelled this
leader, that would have been discriminatory
against the heterosexual leaders who had, in
keeping with the guidelines of the organization,

of$1- ou?, CLM LOST .
~ .51~vLfAcT AN IEURK COuc/.: S i
. rry"""h h ih{rte

kept their opinions to themselves.
I find it troubling that the Daily would;
devote the amount of space they did to a topic,
without properly representing the question at
hand. Not allowing the discussion of any sexual-'
ity is a far cry from an anti-gay policy, no mat
what the editorial board may think

Being Al Gore.- WhyI deserve to be President

My fellow Americans: It's been two weeks
since you went out and voted, the 50-odd
percent of you who decided to get up off your
over-indulged asses and actually participate in
this grand farce that we call Democracy. Two
weeks, in a country where attention spans can't
handle a commercial break, is almost a lifetime.
Two weeks, and no pres-
ident. If you thoughtT
you've seen the end of x '
slimy politics for at leastt
four years, I've got only
one thing to say: You
ain't seen nothin' yet.
Political double-speak
has gone from the inane
ramblings of "policy" to
vague and ultimatelyR
empty pleas for "the will
of the people."
Let's be frank. I Mansh
couldn't care less about Rald
the will of the people. I
don't care what you

more, I'm trying to become president. So let's
disregard my humanity, or lack thereof.
There's more. Let's disregard the fact that
my whining and suing and general lack of tact
has made the entire office to which I aspire a
joke. Let's disregard every foreign nation's
laughter at the once-pompous American Gov-
ernment, who apparently cannot count ballots.
I'm even willing to disregard the fact that, even
if I do somehow wile my way into office, I will
be approximately as legitimate and respected as
Yeltsin was. Indeed, this whole battle for the
presidency is less about my desire to help the
people, and more about my desire to get those
nifty "Commander in Chief' coasters.
Continuing on. Let's disregard the fact that I
lost. That's unimportant right now, and it won't
help me get my promotion from "Powerless
Side-Kick" to "Powerless Leader." If need be, I
say we disregard Constitutional Law and the
Electoral College. I won the popular vote. And
one thing we should definitely not disregard is
the fact that the Electoral College was set up so
that Southern states could count slaves as part

tions in this century. instead of blaming my
ineptitude on myself, I will instead echo the
sentiments of Tom Daschle. This is all Ralph
Nader's fault. Had Nader not been in this race,,I
would have already won Florida, the election
would have been over, and I would be smoking
my post-coital cigarette with the not-so-lov@
Tipper. By blaming Nader, I can disregard my
own impotency as a candidate, and the fact that
I was unable to carry my own home state of
Tennessee. Or my main man's home state of
Arkansas. If I had been a capable candidate, this
whole fiasco would be over with. But I'm not.
Disregard that.
We'll disregard everything. Disregard all
those pesky "issues" like 14-year old Palestin-
ian boys being shot in the face to protect A'
ican markets abroad. We'll disregard those
annoying "concerns" about my incredibly
Republican-esque record on environmental
issues, including the Tellico Dam issue, Cham-
pion Paper water pollution, and the relaxed
emissions standards on ARCO, Chevron and
Exxon. We'll disregard the nuisances of the

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