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February 24, 2000 - Image 17

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The Michigan Daily, 2000-02-24

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108 eM chigan DailOy -W end' etc. agazine - Thur ay, February 24, 2000

b

etc From the Vault
Gaggle of "Goonies" gets goofy

41rThe Micigar oa* -- Weekenda
THIS COLUMN MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO 1

By DvdVco
Perhaps the greatest kids adventure
movie, at least for the last generation, is
"The Goonies" Just the tite brings back
memories of tons of gross jokes, nifty
gadgets, underground secret caves full of
raps, bumbling bad guys, a load of
pirate treasure and even some vintage
Cyndi Lauper music. Wuht more could a
kid, ask for? This is one oft -se movies
you can see way after you've "out-
grown" it and still thoroughly enjoy it for
the nostalgia alone.
Those of you who grew up in Fiji or
something might need a rundown of the
plot. A bunch of best fiends are about to
be separated because of a housing fore-
closure. During their last days together,
they stumble across an old pirate map
that leads to a stash of buried treasure.

When they follow the map to a criminal's
hideout, they find themselves chased by
the bad guys while exploring forgotten
underground caves for the loot. But a
mere summary doesn't do the film
(directed by "Superman" and "Lethal
Weapon" veteran Richard Donner from
a Spielberg story) proper justice. There's
so much more to the recipe that makes
"The Goonies" so good.
The unforgettable cast of characters is
probably *Goonies ''strongest aspect.
The motley gang of boys had someone
every kid could identify with. There was
the asthmatic leader. Mike. who finds
the map and leads ever.one on the
adventure. He was played by Sean Astin,
who will soon star as Samwise in the
film adaptation of Tolkien's "Lord of the
Rings" trilogy. Mikey was constantly
tormented by his hunkv older brother,
Brandon (Josh Brolin, who grew up to

CouFeso : Ceruy a
Sean Astin as "Mkey" Walsh calls the sots for his fellow 'ooles.

snag Minnie Driver).
Mikey's talkative friend, nickneed
Mouth (played snidely by terminal child
star Corey Feldman) always had some-
thing smarmy to say. Way before "Star
Trek: TNG", there was Data, who had an
incredible number of gadgets stuffed
into his trench coat (this is also the kid
who played Short Round in "Indiana
Jones and the Temple of Doom"). The
obnoxious, obese Chunk was always
either eating something or freaking out.
The two older hotties, Andy and
Stefanie, made a memorable female duo.
The bad guys set a great standard for
being both menacing and bumbling at
the same time. Anne Ramsey, as Austin
Powers might say, played the entirely too
"mannish" Mama Fratelli. Her mean-
spirited sons, Jake and Francis, were
simply an antagonistic presence, but
most modern-day viewers will recognize
Francis as the traitorous Cypher from
"The Matrix." And then there was Sloth.
Sloth was the freakiest person I had
ever seen. He must have been dropped
on his head as a baby -'into a food
processor. However, his halting, inno-
cent speech, childish behavior and
Superman t-shirt won us over, and in
many impressionable memories, he'll
always be the ultimate misunderstood
hero. My favoriteline: "Ruuuth! Baaaby
Ruuth!" All these characters come
together to make some hilarious scenes.
There are so many great bits in this
movie. If you know what I'm talking
about, recall them fondly from your hal-
cyon days, and if you haven't seen the
movie vet, look for them when you rent
it. Watch, rewind, repeat.
For example, that Mouth was always
such a punk. His best scene was early in
the film, when he talked to the maid in
Spanish and freaked her out. The fact
that he was talking about marijuana was
lost on me at my young age - it's a
detail that just gets better in repeat view-
ings when you're older.
Data also rocked the house repeatedly
with his cool gadgets. Who hasn't want-
ed "slick shoes" or a spring loaded box-
ing glove in their coat? And that Mikey
sure got the ladies ... what a stud.
However, this movie belongs to the
improbably lovable Chunk. Whether he's
smashing food against restaurant win-
dows or pigging out on ice cream, he
was hilariousr. The single most laugh-
filled moment in the history of my child-
hood was when he told the bad guys his
fake-vomit-in-the-movie-theater story.
In retrospect, it's also highly amusing
how he freaked out over seeing the
"Black ORV" I guess that's what SUV's
were called in the '80s. It wouldn't be so
shocking for Chunk today, now that
they're jam-packed in every fraternity
driveway across the nation. Back then,
though, there was only one: It was black,
and the bad guys had it.
Overall, "Goonies" is one of those
classic movies that shaped the youthful
years of our generation. If you haven't
done so already, drop by the video store
and rent it. If you remember it as fondly
as I do, I can guarantee it's just as good
the second, third, fourth or twentieth
time around. Simply put, "The Goonies"
rocks.

Piles have a tendency to grow in my
house. Name anything and there's prob-
ably a pile of it. There's a pile of empty
bottles, pizza boxes and other assorted
recycling/garbage standing four feet
high and 10 feet long. There's another
large pile of dirty clothes accumulating
in my liing room, while my dirty dish-
es tend to multipli at the expense of my
clean ones.
At one point this year there was a
large pile of trash in my front lawn \ e
covered the heap wit a torn. mold
green tarp. which most of the tudent
section walked past on their way to
football games.
"But our house sparles compared
to where I used to li e" my housemate
Rav said. "We were so bad, we uot
sued for more money on top of our
damage deposit.
"I doubt it could be much worse than
some of the fraternity houses I'xe scen,
at least the one I lived in" Ben said. ''e
got condemned twice by the fire marshal
our first week."
"I've got you both beat," I said.
"My house sophomore year was so
disgusting that when my father, who's
a landlord, came by, he said if it'd
been his house, he'd report us to the
Health Department."
"Fine, if we're going to compare scars
a la Jaws, 1 might as well shut you two up
right now," Ray said. "There was smell
so putrid in my house a few years ago,
rotting flesh would've been an improxe-
ment. 'A checked the x ents to make sure
our cat Jules wasn't decomposing there"
"I don't think ronting flesh is a strong
enough smell to overcome your stench,
Ray:" Ben said. 'There was an over-
whelming stink of Tabasco and other
assorted spoiling food products coming
from my frat's basement. And when that
didn't overtake all three floors there was
the combined stench of piss, puke. cheap
skunked beer and decaying half empty

growth outside
my house was so
high we got a
SSOO ticket from
the city. You
could telI the stu-
dent house from
the townies' bV
the broken 40's
on the porch and
in the weeds.
Actuallv. it was
probably for the
best the officer
didn't notice the
suspicious-look-
ing tomato plants
the gutters
sprouted.-

Jon Zemke
$peak jng

take-out boxes from four-foot-tall trash
piles outside our rooms."
"How in God's name did you guys
manage to have parties?" I asked.
"We had a cleaning crew," Ben said.
"None of that matters," I said. "The

get rid of it he put a bug zapper with everything that gets dumpe
honey under the nest," Ray said. "He'd ends of beer bottles with I
sit on the other end of the porch, get rette butts next to overflow
high and watch their bodies smoke with various seeds and
after they electrocuted themselves. He around. You have to make
said he always felt like a sadistic hick the those seeds fall into hal
when he did that." of molding fruit because yo
"Coffee tables are always the most what might grow out of the
overlooked trash dumps in the house, "Then there are certain a
though," Ben said. "Seriously, look at don't go - the back of th

"All right, all right, all right. m sure
we could go on like this all day, but the
bathroom's by far the worst part of any
student house," Ray said. "At least you
know where the standing month-old
shower-water in the bathtub has been.
You don't know where the hair that
you're stepping on came from"
"No, the kitchen's the worst, easy," I
said. "We had so many fles in our
kitchen from the crusted and broken
dishes, we bought fly-swatters and had a
three-hour insect massacre."
"That's nothing," Ben said "Mv
kitchen was so bad you couldn't tur the
kitchen light on without being swarmed
b fruit flies."
"Yeah, I remember your frut trap:
I said. "You had a light shirn net o a
fan on fill blast so they would get sucked
in and shot out onto the porch.
"I had a friend who had a yellow
jackets' nest on his porch onc, so to

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