The Michigan Daily - Friday. January 28, 2000
How life would change if Daily
editors' demands are met:
Current impostor Jug will
relocate to Columbus
"Beast of Burden" is song Al
on jukebox - and it's free
Pitchers of Labatt's never cost
more than $5
Freeman gets kicked when he
leaves his infogs unfinished
"y Rick Freeman
Daily Monkey Boy
Ann Arbor residents were astonished
this morning when they found nothing
but bricks and mortar at 1013 S.
University Ave. this morning. Hours ear-
1r, a restaurant that replaced the
favorite hangout of editors of The
Michigan Daily, was forcibly removed
from that site.
Hours after the predawn raid, a fac-
simile claiming responsibility for the
daring pre-dawn raid was faxed to media
outlets from the Batcave in the Student
Publications Building. The fax, a con-
cise, one-page memo, politely requested
that the original Brown Jug, with all of
it's toe-worn floors, slow service and
smoky atmosphere, be returned imme-
*diately to the now-vacated site.
Usually, we'd think tactics like this
are pretty lame, something SOLE or
iessica Curtin would do," said one cur-
rent editor who preferred not to have his
name used. "But since we're done as
editors, we'll need a place to hang out.
We used to go to the Jug, back when it
was cool. But I haven't set foot in there
since they ruined it."
Although the new incarnation of the
Daily's old hangout has been open since
September, no action has been taken by
any of its loyal fans until yesterday's
aid, which President Clinton denounced
in Washington this morning as "smack-
Jng of terrorism"
University President Lee Bollinger,
though, his hair still rumpled from sleep
said he "respects the spirit" of the Daily
seniors, and although he as an adminis-
trator cannot condone such acts, he too
*nisses the old, comfortable atmosphere
of the Jug.
"And whatever happened to S5 pitch-
'ers?" he asked.
Mysteriously, the Ann Arbor Police
Department has not assigned the case to
a detective yet. Stealing a restaurant is a
class-B felony in Washtenaw County,
punishable by up to 15 years in prison.
But the AAPD seems to have no moti-
vation to bring the Daily to justice.
Ann Arbor Police sources have spec-
lated that police chief Carl Ent, - a
lame-duck like the Daily seniors who
have claimed responsibility in the case
To read the rest of this
story, go to Page 11.
Pinko-commie spawn look to solve military woes
MOSCOW - In one of his first major policy
decisions, acting President Vladimir Putin
approved plans Thursday to modernize the
Russian military by sharply increasing the pur-
chase of new weapons and equipment.
Putin, who wants to restore Russia as a global
power, also said the defense budget would be rcal-
located so more money goes to develop high-tech
The Russian military is in shambles after being
starved of funds for years, and receiving their
vodka rations for only the first two weeks after
deployment in the field. Some military leaders
admit privately that it could not fight a major con-
"The army has been underfinanced for several
years, which has entailed negative consequences
for the nation's defense potential," Putin said. "It
has raised doubts about the very possibility for
Russia to have a modern army equipped with state-
In the Cyrillic alphabet, Putin translates as "he
who sells grenade launchers to rag-tag rebels for
While the new policy does not call for an
increase in the S5.1 billion military budget for
2000, it authorizes a shift in spending priorities.
Deputy Prime Minister Ilya Klebanov - whose
name means "Five Year Plan? We don't need no
stinking Five Year Plan!" -- said the plan calls for
an increase in spending on weapons and develop-
ment by up to 80 percent in some categories. He
said spending on military supplies overall would
increase by 50 percent, but he refused to give any
Speaking at a Cabinet session, Putin insisted
that the new policy was not linked to Russia's
stalled military campaign in Chechnya. Russian
forces have failed to defeat much smaller Chechen
forces despite months of fighting.
In fact, the Commies haven't come away with a
victorv in a league-sponsored armed conflict since
crushing Prague's Spring Revolution in 1968.
Putin, who is expected to win March 26 presi-
dential elections, owes his broad popularity to his
tough handling of the military campaign in
Chechnva, his calls to restore Russia's economic
and military might and citizens' excitement over
his lack of a disfiguring birthmark.
it was not clear if the new policy would have an
immediate impact. The government has been
unable to fully fund the military budget in recent
years and has yet to halt the decline of the armed
forces despite several calls for greater military
The government will be trying to buy more
weapons by reducing spending in other areas, but
there was no indication which areas would be cut.
The Russian military is mainly made up of con-
scripts who receive almost no pay, and equipment
purchases already make up a large part of the
The Russian military received hardly any new
weapons during the 1990s. The air force said last
April that it had not received a new plane since
1992 and did not expect any new aircraft until
2001 The navy has built a few warships in the past
decade, and the army is short of evervthing from
radios to food.
Klebanov said the new measures were needed to
create a modern military with advanced equipment
like night-vision devices. The lack of such equip-
ment has been a major problem during night raids
on Chechens, when an antedote to offset vodka-
blurred has been sorely missed.
Russia's military spending in recent years was
focused on maintaining the country's nuclear
arsenal, its main claim to world wer status fol-
lowing the collapse of the Soviet Union: The
weakness of Russia's conventional forces was a
main motivation behind the recent shift in the
country's national security doctrine, military
The new doctrine would allow the country's
leaders to use all existing forces including nuclear
weapons to oppose any attack - nuclear or con-
ventional -- if other efforts fail to repel the aggres-
sor. The previous doctrine stated that Russia would
use nuclear weapons only in cases when its nation-
al sovereignty was threatened.
K lebanov said conventional forces would now
be a major focus, although the nuclear forces
would not be scaled back lest upper-level ministers
feel their manhood threatened. Research for con-
ventional weapons would rise to about 50 percent
of the development budget, he said. Nuclear forces
had received about 80 percent of research funds in
"While nuclear deterrent forces remain a priori-
ty, the state defense order will be increasingly
directed toward purchasing weapons for conven-
tional forces," Klebanov said.
lie said that along with modernizing Russia s
conventional forces, the government will launch
new military satellites to replace obsolete ones.
Street reactions to the Russian military crisis
"Vodka, gimme another."-- Oleg, 28 "It scares me very much.I need vodka to steady my nerves." - Katrina, 47
"I need some vodka. My horse is ready for another go." - Catherine the Great "I will bury you." - Nikita Kruschkev
What does the word 'Putin 'really mean in Russian?
0 The sound your dog makes
when puking up his midday meal
The lead singer of "Lenin,
Stalin and Putin," the beloved folk
singing trio of the early Russian
A cutout dummy you can
leave in the street to hold your
place in the bread line.
The three amigos, together again
0 The inspiration for the
oldies hit by Russian pop icon
Little Rzyzard, "Rootin' Tootin,
* Street slang term for a
Molotov cocktail that doesn't go
The game of roundball which
the KGB plays during its afternoon
recess from wiretapping and purg-
ing the bourgeoisie.
The hot water pack with
which guards on duty in Siberia
keep their testes warm.
We have great self-serve
copiers that can collate,
staple, reduce and enlarge
Sef|kei"e8.5 x 1I"M ; xpes 05/
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