INTERNATIONAL/COLD WAR The Michigan Daily - Friday. January 28, 2000 *Seniors Speak How life would change if Daily editors' demands are met: Current impostor Jug will relocate to Columbus "Beast of Burden" is song Al on jukebox - and it's free Pitchers of Labatt's never cost more than $5 Freeman gets kicked when he leaves his infogs unfinished "y Rick Freeman Daily Monkey Boy Ann Arbor residents were astonished this morning when they found nothing but bricks and mortar at 1013 S. University Ave. this morning. Hours ear- 1r, a restaurant that replaced the favorite hangout of editors of The Michigan Daily, was forcibly removed from that site. Hours after the predawn raid, a fac- simile claiming responsibility for the daring pre-dawn raid was faxed to media outlets from the Batcave in the Student Publications Building. The fax, a con- cise, one-page memo, politely requested that the original Brown Jug, with all of it's toe-worn floors, slow service and smoky atmosphere, be returned imme- *diately to the now-vacated site. Usually, we'd think tactics like this are pretty lame, something SOLE or iessica Curtin would do," said one cur- rent editor who preferred not to have his name used. "But since we're done as editors, we'll need a place to hang out. We used to go to the Jug, back when it was cool. But I haven't set foot in there since they ruined it." Although the new incarnation of the Daily's old hangout has been open since September, no action has been taken by any of its loyal fans until yesterday's aid, which President Clinton denounced in Washington this morning as "smack- Jng of terrorism" University President Lee Bollinger, though, his hair still rumpled from sleep said he "respects the spirit" of the Daily seniors, and although he as an adminis- trator cannot condone such acts, he too *nisses the old, comfortable atmosphere of the Jug. "And whatever happened to S5 pitch- 'ers?" he asked. Mysteriously, the Ann Arbor Police Department has not assigned the case to a detective yet. Stealing a restaurant is a class-B felony in Washtenaw County, punishable by up to 15 years in prison. But the AAPD seems to have no moti- vation to bring the Daily to justice. Ann Arbor Police sources have spec- lated that police chief Carl Ent, - a lame-duck like the Daily seniors who have claimed responsibility in the case To read the rest of this story, go to Page 11. Pinko-commie spawn look to solve military woes MOSCOW - In one of his first major policy decisions, acting President Vladimir Putin approved plans Thursday to modernize the Russian military by sharply increasing the pur- chase of new weapons and equipment. Putin, who wants to restore Russia as a global power, also said the defense budget would be rcal- located so more money goes to develop high-tech conventional weapons. The Russian military is in shambles after being starved of funds for years, and receiving their vodka rations for only the first two weeks after deployment in the field. Some military leaders admit privately that it could not fight a major con- ventional war. "The army has been underfinanced for several years, which has entailed negative consequences for the nation's defense potential," Putin said. "It has raised doubts about the very possibility for Russia to have a modern army equipped with state- of-the-art weapons" In the Cyrillic alphabet, Putin translates as "he who sells grenade launchers to rag-tag rebels for vodka." While the new policy does not call for an increase in the S5.1 billion military budget for 2000, it authorizes a shift in spending priorities. Deputy Prime Minister Ilya Klebanov - whose name means "Five Year Plan? We don't need no stinking Five Year Plan!" -- said the plan calls for an increase in spending on weapons and develop- ment by up to 80 percent in some categories. He said spending on military supplies overall would increase by 50 percent, but he refused to give any more specifics. Speaking at a Cabinet session, Putin insisted that the new policy was not linked to Russia's stalled military campaign in Chechnya. Russian forces have failed to defeat much smaller Chechen forces despite months of fighting. In fact, the Commies haven't come away with a victorv in a league-sponsored armed conflict since crushing Prague's Spring Revolution in 1968. Putin, who is expected to win March 26 presi- dential elections, owes his broad popularity to his tough handling of the military campaign in Chechnva, his calls to restore Russia's economic and military might and citizens' excitement over his lack of a disfiguring birthmark. it was not clear if the new policy would have an immediate impact. The government has been unable to fully fund the military budget in recent years and has yet to halt the decline of the armed forces despite several calls for greater military spending. The government will be trying to buy more weapons by reducing spending in other areas, but there was no indication which areas would be cut. The Russian military is mainly made up of con- scripts who receive almost no pay, and equipment purchases already make up a large part of the defense budget. The Russian military received hardly any new weapons during the 1990s. The air force said last April that it had not received a new plane since 1992 and did not expect any new aircraft until 2001 The navy has built a few warships in the past decade, and the army is short of evervthing from radios to food. Klebanov said the new measures were needed to create a modern military with advanced equipment like night-vision devices. The lack of such equip- ment has been a major problem during night raids on Chechens, when an antedote to offset vodka- blurred has been sorely missed. Russia's military spending in recent years was focused on maintaining the country's nuclear arsenal, its main claim to world wer status fol- lowing the collapse of the Soviet Union: The weakness of Russia's conventional forces was a main motivation behind the recent shift in the country's national security doctrine, military experts say. The new doctrine would allow the country's leaders to use all existing forces including nuclear weapons to oppose any attack - nuclear or con- ventional -- if other efforts fail to repel the aggres- sor. The previous doctrine stated that Russia would use nuclear weapons only in cases when its nation- al sovereignty was threatened. K lebanov said conventional forces would now be a major focus, although the nuclear forces would not be scaled back lest upper-level ministers feel their manhood threatened. Research for con- ventional weapons would rise to about 50 percent of the development budget, he said. Nuclear forces had received about 80 percent of research funds in recent years. "While nuclear deterrent forces remain a priori- ty, the state defense order will be increasingly directed toward purchasing weapons for conven- tional forces," Klebanov said. lie said that along with modernizing Russia s conventional forces, the government will launch new military satellites to replace obsolete ones. Street reactions to the Russian military crisis "Vodka, gimme another."-- Oleg, 28 "It scares me very much.I need vodka to steady my nerves." - Katrina, 47 "I need some vodka. My horse is ready for another go." - Catherine the Great "I will bury you." - Nikita Kruschkev What does the word 'Putin 'really mean in Russian? 0 The sound your dog makes when puking up his midday meal of borscht. The lead singer of "Lenin, Stalin and Putin," the beloved folk singing trio of the early Russian club scene. A cutout dummy you can leave in the street to hold your place in the bread line. The three amigos, together again 0 The inspiration for the oldies hit by Russian pop icon Little Rzyzard, "Rootin' Tootin, Oh Putin." * Street slang term for a Molotov cocktail that doesn't go off right. The game of roundball which the KGB plays during its afternoon recess from wiretapping and purg- ing the bourgeoisie. The hot water pack with which guards on duty in Siberia keep their testes warm. i We have great self-serve copiers that can collate, staple, reduce and enlarge all automatically.- I I I I B&W Copies Sef|kei"e8.5 x 1I"M ; xpes 05/ vi---- -M GLACIER NATIONAL PARK Where do you see yourself this summer? Choose A or B? A. Sharing a trail with a mountain goat as you hike through snow capped glacier peaks? A. Meeting your new best friend under the "Big Sky" of Montana? A. Watching millions of stars & the northern lights on a clear, cool August night? 1. Commuting in bumper to bumper traffic? 1. Spending the summer with the same old crowd? 1. Spending hot & humid summer nights next to an air conditioner? If you answered "A" to any of the above, choose a summer in the "Last nest Place." St. Mary Lodge & Resort (Glacier Park's finest) We will be interviewing on campus February 1st for our 2000 summer session. Call (&00) 368-3659 today to schedule an interview or email jobs@gicpark.com Learn more about us at www.glcpark.com .. ... m _ ,m=m -