16B -The Mi~gan Daily Weekend Ma ine - Thursday, November, 1998
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I Weekend etc. Column
CANNED SOUP AND LAWSUITS
I had a problem.
I was very hungry. I hadn't eaten
for nearly an entire day. My stomach
was emitting deep alarming growls
as it warned me that it would begin
gnawing on my ribs unless I located
for it some sort of nourishment. I'd
gladly have fed it, if I could have. I'd
have liked nothing better than to
soothe my agitated belly with plate
after plan: of hot food, washed down
with several glasses of c%-d milk.
But as I said, I had a problem.
My refrigerator contained only a
squCezable bottle of mustard and a
nearly empty jar of salsa. I contin-
ued clinging to hope, periodically
hauling open the refrigerator door as
though expecting, by some miracle,
to find that great quantities of food
had sprouted on the shelves.
Time and again my hopes were
dashed. I looked nostalgically at the
dark stains on the door (left by a
spaghetti spill,) at the drawers that
once held nanty pounds of fresh
fruit, at the space once filled by
three quarts of orange juice. Once, I
had food to eat.
The cupboards of my squalid
apartment were ?s bare as those of
Old Mother Hubbard; bare, that is,
except for a one can of soup. It
would seem, to the untrained
observer, that my problem was
solved. I had a can opener; I had
clean bowls; and
I even had a pot
in which to cook
the soup.
Yet I continued
{ to hesitate.
This particular
can of soup was
Camp-be ii' s
Chunky Style, a
soup I happen to
ANDREW like. But appar-
MORTENSEN ently there have
I=; . , been problems
(I\d'i ( a 'I with this brand,
.A\ ) because the man-
ufacturers have
included a warning on the label.:
"The soup that eats like a meal!" the
label announces. They almost
seemed oroud of it.
My question is: What does the
soup cat like a meal? Because the
company felt obligated to include
the warning, we may only assume
that consumers have been attacked
by rogue cans of soup ... and, horri-
bly, eaten "like a meal." After
becoming terribly alarmed by this
seemingly unnoticed national hor-
ror, I determined that it was my jour-
nalistic duty to discover the truth
about Campbell's Chunky soup.
After conducting exhaustive
imaginary research, I turned up a
court record detailing a suit against
Campbell's. Almost at once I began
to suspect that there was some sort
of conspiracy involved. (There's
always a conspiracy. If you don't
believe me, you're not living in the
real world.) The case, named
Brewski v. Campbell's, was quietly
settled out of court. The Campbell's
representative I spoke to refused to
answer any of my questions, and
eventually hung up on me after
telling me to see a psychiatrist. No
one else I talked to claimed to
remember anything about the case;
indeed, several people I interviewed
suggested that I wasn't entirely sane.
I hardly need tell you that their reti-
cence only strengthened my determi-
nation to reveal to the nation the
awful truth about gourmet canned
soup gone amok.
Since I was having trouble getting
any information from the
Campbell's side, I decided to go in
search of this Brewski fellow. I did-
n't have as much difficulty finding
him as I'd feared, as it turns out that
he's entirely a figment of my imagi-
nation and drops acid with alarming
frequency. The information he gave
me was enlightening, nonetheless,
and confirmed all my suspicions.
The following is a transcript of the
interview:
Me: So, what can you tell mnc
about Chunky soup and the allega-
tions that it "eats like a meal"?
Brewski: Well, sir, the allegations
are true. When I got attacked by the
soup, I'd just taken a tab of acid and
was waiting for the effects to kick
in. It was taking longer than usual,
so I decided to make myself some-
thing to eat. 13ig mistake. As soon as
I'd opened the can, the soup rushed
me.
Me: Rushed you?
Brewski: Yeah, the potato cubes
were the worst. They weni straight
for the eyes, teeth flashing like a set
of Ginsu knives. The carrots and the.
meat - ham, I think - were content
University research benefits fieh
Continued from Page 2B
outreach programs. from psychology with organogenesis.
experiments conducted in the Mental "It provides the advantages of an organ
Health Research Institute to the study of tissue transplant with the availability of a
molecular genetics executed at the prosthesis', he says in the volume 48 edi-
Howard Hughes Medical Institute, more tion of "Research News." The Center for
than 24 research departments exist under Organogenesis supplies an environment
Medical School jurisdiction. to create and implement durable artificial
University scientists and physicians organs, stem cell therapies and organ
operate many fruitful and valuable pro- transplantation systems for diseased pop-
jects - including those who combine ulations. It sponsors agencies -- the
biology and engineering to produce living Transgenic Mouse, the Embryonic &
tissues and organs for human usage. An Stem Cell and Morphology Cores -that
associate professor of biological and equip other researchers with specialized
material sciences at the University Dental services. Furthermore, the Center spon-
School and assistant professor of chemi- sors a lecture series on first and third
cal engineering, Dr. David Mooney works Thursdays of every month. Guest speak-
The Best In Chicago Night Life
rn roomr
d icc
just to chew slowly on my flesh.
Me: How did you manage to
escape?
Brewski: Well, fortunately my
friend was there videotaping the
entire thing. As s6on-as he saw I was
in trouble, he broke open a case of
the Beast ...
Me: The Beast?
Brewski: Milwaukee's Best.
Anyway, he cracked open a few cans
of Beast and hosed in down with.
them. I guess the soup got drunk,
because it let me alone. As soon as
its guard was down, my friend and i
killed it with the fire extinguisher.
Mc: Has it ever occurred to you
that you might be a raving maniac?
Brewski: Look, you were the one
who invented me.
So it turns out that the whole thing
is a hoax, and gullible old Andrew
has been taken in again by his own
far too active imagination. Still, 'm
sure I learned a valuable lesson from
the whole ordeal, a lesson I'd bC
happy to share with you if I knew
what it was.
- Andrew A'Ioriensen cn he con-
tacted by e-mail at
adworen(umich. edi
d of medicine
ers include both University researchers
and prominent outside figures.
The Medical School's General Clinical
Research Center is the highest funded sin-
gle foundation of its kind. With a 16 inpa-
tient and eight outpatient bed unit, the
GCRC has been doing patient-oriented
research since 1963 and accommodates
faculty with the means needed to do so.
Menopause, depression, AIDS - med-
ical scientists from various backgrounds
tackle these issues and more.
For example, Dr. Paul Watkins of
Internal Medicine studies the effects of
grapefruit juice and seville orange juice
on felodipine. It appears that an active
agent, DHB, in grapefruit and orange
juices limits first pass metabolism of
drugs like felodipine, thus acting as an
antitoxificant. One cause of hyperactivity
in children could be primary sleep disor-
ders; Dr. Ronald Chervin of Neurology
investigates this. The chair of the Human
Genome Project, Dr. Francis Collins, con-
tinues to hold a position at the University.
He does linkage analysis of human single
gene disorders like cystic fibrosis,
Huntington's disease, NF- and HHT
through use of DNA markers and obser-
vation of DNA rearrangements. Another
scientist examining Huntington's disease
is Dr. Roger Albin, who proposes that
chronic treatment of HD with the cc-
enzyme QIO and remacemide may slow
the degenerative process induced by the
disease. Psychiatry's Dr. James Abelson
looks at how cholecystokin (CCK), a hor-
mone involved in bile metabolism, regu-
lates anxiety, the human stress axis and
panic disorder. Gene therapy via a mutant
Rev, Rev MIO, may inhibit intracellular
HIV infection, suggests Dr. Gary Nabel
of Internal Medicine; T-cells may survive
longer.
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