16B -The Mi~gan Daily Weekend Ma ine - Thursday, November, 1998 0 0 0 0 I Weekend etc. Column CANNED SOUP AND LAWSUITS I had a problem. I was very hungry. I hadn't eaten for nearly an entire day. My stomach was emitting deep alarming growls as it warned me that it would begin gnawing on my ribs unless I located for it some sort of nourishment. I'd gladly have fed it, if I could have. I'd have liked nothing better than to soothe my agitated belly with plate after plan: of hot food, washed down with several glasses of c%-d milk. But as I said, I had a problem. My refrigerator contained only a squCezable bottle of mustard and a nearly empty jar of salsa. I contin- ued clinging to hope, periodically hauling open the refrigerator door as though expecting, by some miracle, to find that great quantities of food had sprouted on the shelves. Time and again my hopes were dashed. I looked nostalgically at the dark stains on the door (left by a spaghetti spill,) at the drawers that once held nanty pounds of fresh fruit, at the space once filled by three quarts of orange juice. Once, I had food to eat. The cupboards of my squalid apartment were ?s bare as those of Old Mother Hubbard; bare, that is, except for a one can of soup. It would seem, to the untrained observer, that my problem was solved. I had a can opener; I had clean bowls; and I even had a pot in which to cook the soup. Yet I continued { to hesitate. This particular can of soup was Camp-be ii' s Chunky Style, a soup I happen to ANDREW like. But appar- MORTENSEN ently there have I=; . , been problems (I\d'i ( a 'I with this brand, .A\ ) because the man- ufacturers have included a warning on the label.: "The soup that eats like a meal!" the label announces. They almost seemed oroud of it. My question is: What does the soup cat like a meal? Because the company felt obligated to include the warning, we may only assume that consumers have been attacked by rogue cans of soup ... and, horri- bly, eaten "like a meal." After becoming terribly alarmed by this seemingly unnoticed national hor- ror, I determined that it was my jour- nalistic duty to discover the truth about Campbell's Chunky soup. After conducting exhaustive imaginary research, I turned up a court record detailing a suit against Campbell's. Almost at once I began to suspect that there was some sort of conspiracy involved. (There's always a conspiracy. If you don't believe me, you're not living in the real world.) The case, named Brewski v. Campbell's, was quietly settled out of court. The Campbell's representative I spoke to refused to answer any of my questions, and eventually hung up on me after telling me to see a psychiatrist. No one else I talked to claimed to remember anything about the case; indeed, several people I interviewed suggested that I wasn't entirely sane. I hardly need tell you that their reti- cence only strengthened my determi- nation to reveal to the nation the awful truth about gourmet canned soup gone amok. Since I was having trouble getting any information from the Campbell's side, I decided to go in search of this Brewski fellow. I did- n't have as much difficulty finding him as I'd feared, as it turns out that he's entirely a figment of my imagi- nation and drops acid with alarming frequency. The information he gave me was enlightening, nonetheless, and confirmed all my suspicions. The following is a transcript of the interview: Me: So, what can you tell mnc about Chunky soup and the allega- tions that it "eats like a meal"? Brewski: Well, sir, the allegations are true. When I got attacked by the soup, I'd just taken a tab of acid and was waiting for the effects to kick in. It was taking longer than usual, so I decided to make myself some- thing to eat. 13ig mistake. As soon as I'd opened the can, the soup rushed me. Me: Rushed you? Brewski: Yeah, the potato cubes were the worst. They weni straight for the eyes, teeth flashing like a set of Ginsu knives. The carrots and the. meat - ham, I think - were content University research benefits fieh Continued from Page 2B outreach programs. from psychology with organogenesis. experiments conducted in the Mental "It provides the advantages of an organ Health Research Institute to the study of tissue transplant with the availability of a molecular genetics executed at the prosthesis', he says in the volume 48 edi- Howard Hughes Medical Institute, more tion of "Research News." The Center for than 24 research departments exist under Organogenesis supplies an environment Medical School jurisdiction. to create and implement durable artificial University scientists and physicians organs, stem cell therapies and organ operate many fruitful and valuable pro- transplantation systems for diseased pop- jects - including those who combine ulations. It sponsors agencies -- the biology and engineering to produce living Transgenic Mouse, the Embryonic & tissues and organs for human usage. An Stem Cell and Morphology Cores -that associate professor of biological and equip other researchers with specialized material sciences at the University Dental services. Furthermore, the Center spon- School and assistant professor of chemi- sors a lecture series on first and third cal engineering, Dr. David Mooney works Thursdays of every month. Guest speak- The Best In Chicago Night Life rn roomr d icc just to chew slowly on my flesh. Me: How did you manage to escape? Brewski: Well, fortunately my friend was there videotaping the entire thing. As s6on-as he saw I was in trouble, he broke open a case of the Beast ... Me: The Beast? Brewski: Milwaukee's Best. Anyway, he cracked open a few cans of Beast and hosed in down with. them. I guess the soup got drunk, because it let me alone. As soon as its guard was down, my friend and i killed it with the fire extinguisher. Mc: Has it ever occurred to you that you might be a raving maniac? Brewski: Look, you were the one who invented me. So it turns out that the whole thing is a hoax, and gullible old Andrew has been taken in again by his own far too active imagination. Still, 'm sure I learned a valuable lesson from the whole ordeal, a lesson I'd bC happy to share with you if I knew what it was. - Andrew A'Ioriensen cn he con- tacted by e-mail at adworen(umich. edi d of medicine ers include both University researchers and prominent outside figures. The Medical School's General Clinical Research Center is the highest funded sin- gle foundation of its kind. With a 16 inpa- tient and eight outpatient bed unit, the GCRC has been doing patient-oriented research since 1963 and accommodates faculty with the means needed to do so. Menopause, depression, AIDS - med- ical scientists from various backgrounds tackle these issues and more. For example, Dr. Paul Watkins of Internal Medicine studies the effects of grapefruit juice and seville orange juice on felodipine. It appears that an active agent, DHB, in grapefruit and orange juices limits first pass metabolism of drugs like felodipine, thus acting as an antitoxificant. One cause of hyperactivity in children could be primary sleep disor- ders; Dr. Ronald Chervin of Neurology investigates this. The chair of the Human Genome Project, Dr. Francis Collins, con- tinues to hold a position at the University. He does linkage analysis of human single gene disorders like cystic fibrosis, Huntington's disease, NF- and HHT through use of DNA markers and obser- vation of DNA rearrangements. Another scientist examining Huntington's disease is Dr. Roger Albin, who proposes that chronic treatment of HD with the cc- enzyme QIO and remacemide may slow the degenerative process induced by the disease. Psychiatry's Dr. James Abelson looks at how cholecystokin (CCK), a hor- mone involved in bile metabolism, regu- lates anxiety, the human stress axis and panic disorder. Gene therapy via a mutant Rev, Rev MIO, may inhibit intracellular HIV infection, suggests Dr. Gary Nabel of Internal Medicine; T-cells may survive longer. 3 LEVELS 2 DANCE FLOORS VIP ROOM VALET SUSH1 SAKE BAR OPEN'nL 4AM "5AM SATURDAYS 809 W. EVERGREEN " CHICAGO " (312)751-2900 coming soon... n i g h# c u b 901 W. 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