S2 -he Michigan Daily Week d Magazine - Thursday, No mber 5, 1998
1OWeekend etc. Column
0
The Michi0nn fiiv Weeend IV
AAPD, DPS kick bike patrols into
STUPIDITY SEASON
It is with a heavy heart that I begin this
week's column. A recent experience has
taught me that a new and terifying plague
is besetting mankind even as you read
this. This plague is subtle, so subtle, in
fact, that it escapes the notice of all but the
most astute observers, deftly infiltrating
the human species and slowly destroying
it. I name this plague Stupidity.
. Oh, go ahead, laugh if you must. I have
every confidence that I will change your
tune. Let me ask you this: have you ever
suffered through a meal at a fast-food
restaurant? Of course you have. And did
the events of that meal defy logic? Did the
chicken sandwich you ordered consist
only of the chicken patty and the bun,
mysteriously sprout a withered, dilapidat-
ed leaf of lettuce and repulsive gobs of
oozing, amoeba-like mayonnaise? And
did the wait-staff deny all knowledge of
your order when you confronted them?
Ah, I see you've stopped laughing now.
I knew you'd come around. My friends,
my poor friends, you were all encounter-
ing the effects of stupidity. My God, you
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ANDREW
MORTENSEN
(DON, 1
A .N)
say. This is truly a
sinister disease.
What can we do to
avoid it? To answer
that question, I
think it would be
best if I explained
the recent experi-
ence that opened
my eyes to this
debilitating illness.
Once we have a bet-
ter understanding of
its workings, we
may beginto devel-
op ways to combat
its consequences.
first I take little notice of them, merely
looking up to see who has allowed the
cold draft to enter the building, then
returning to my reading. A few minutes
pass and I hear behind me the scrape of
chairs as the pair I just saw enter seat
themselves down to eat. Again I pay
almost no attention to them.
But then they begin speaking and I
could just as soon shift the vault of the
heavens as ignore them now.
It seems that one of them has been tak-
ing voice lessons from a buzz saw. The
other makes up in volume what she lacks
in piercing qualities of voice. One of the
effects of Stupidity I've noticed is that it
does something to the mind that con-
vinces you every thought that pops into
your head must at once be announced at
the top of your voice. I've been forced to
conclude that Stupidity damages the
mind's ability to select thoughts worth
expressing; that is, Stupidity removes the
little screen we all have between our
brains and our mouths, thereby allowing
every stray word to spill out uncensored.
The people I describe to you only add
credibility to my theory.
"So my waiter comes up to me," Buzz
Saw voice says, causing me to grit my
teeth, "and he goes 'Who had the moz-
zarella sticks?' And all my friends look at
me, but I'm like, 'Hello! I had the cheese
sticks!'
"Some people are so stupid," bellows
her companion. "Oops, I spilled my
Coke." I hear splashing behind me and
see from the comer of my eye that her
spilled Coke is creeping towards my foot.
I shift myself closer to the table and
redouble my efforts to complete my read-
ing. "I hate it when I spill drinks," contin-
ues the second speaker. "One time I
spilled a drink and it soaked my dinner
roll. I was so embarrassed."
"I really like dinner rolls;' Buzz Saw
rejoins, attempting to match her friend in
volume. "Except sometimes you get those
ones with too much flour on them and
they dry out your mouth. When my
mouth gets dry I gag a lot." Beads of
sweat start to form on my brow; a small
twitch begins in my cheek.
"Once I ate a brussell sprout and I
gagged. It was really gross," the woman
with the bullhorn voice announces.
"Those are really good on sandwiches.
Sprouts, I mean."
"What kind of sandwiches? ... cops, I
spilled my Coke again,"Bullhorn shrieks.
I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Do you have
any napkins?" she asks the back of my
head. I say no. She turns back to her
friend: "He won't give me any napkins!"
"How rude!" Buzz Saw yells, then,
lowering her voice confidentially, says,
"Hey, I almost threw up in Spanish today."
A cry of delight erupts from Bullhorn:
"Oh my God! Me too!"
At this point I flee the restaurant.
What can we do to combat Stupidity?
Sadly, there's little anyone can do once the
disease has taken hold of its victim. But
fortunately new legislation has been intro-
duced to address the spreading problem
of public stupidity. This legislation would
make it legal for bystanders to bind and
gag any person whose disease gets the
better of them. A corollary adds that a few
slaps to the face are appropriate in
extreme cases. So please, write to your
congressperson at your soonest conve-
nience and tell them to fight the spread of
this disease. The future depends on it.
-Andrew Mortensen is busy protest-
ing Stupidity at eating establishments. He
can be reached via e-mail at
admorten@umich.edu.
Picture, if you will, a mild-mannered
columnist sitting in a local fast-food
establishment, sipping occasionally from
his drink, reading with an indifferent eye
the words of some banal homework
assignment. At this point, I shall switch to
present tense for dramatic effect.
I - for he is me, you see - am for all
intents and purposes perfectly content, for
the moment absorbed in my work. At
such times I am at my most inoffensive,
meaning that I am as scenery, as dull and
devoid of interest to the casual observer as
the mass-produced pictures that cover the
walls of the restaurant.
Enter Stupidity. The poor folk afflicted
with the disease are blissfully unaware of
their pitiable conditions, smiling happily,
chattering back and forth with all the
energy of a five-year old who has just
consumed an entire bag of Pixy Stix. At
AAPD bike cops have
increased from four to
66 in five years
By Cortney Dueweke
Daily Arts Writer
The Ann Arbor Police Department
and the University's Department of
Public Safety are quickly finding
that two wheels may very well be
better than four,
Bike cops have increased substan-
tially in number in recent years; the
number of AAPD certified police
cyclists swelled from four in 1993 to
66 this year. DPS now has 25 certi-
fied bike cops, said AAPD
spokesperson Kathleen Vonk.
Vonk said the bike cops are
extremely effective, and both depart-
ments predict
that the pro-
gram will "You'reso
c ontinue t o
grow. m reap
p ol1i ce Whenl' m4
cyclists are
not restricted get double
to bike patrol.
On most the arnoun
days, an offi-
er c an co n u
choose to be
in a car or on Ann /
a bicycle, or
to take a
patrol vehicle with a bike rack
attached.
During special events, such as
parades, carnivals, and art fairs,
officers may be assigned to the bike
force. Police cyclists can ride year-
round, but most stop bike patrol dur-
ing the winter months. All bike cops
are certified through the
International Police Mountain Bike
Association (IPMBA), and are
required to pass a fitness test.
The trend of having officers on
bikes began around 1992, and inter-
est everywhere has been picking up
S
Ar
since. The bikes are not only cost
effective - police bicycles cost
from $21,800 to $23,800 less to pur-
chase than patrol cars and $2,800 to
$3,800 less in annual maintenance ,
said Andrew Davis, IPMBA program
manager - but are also perfect for
areas inaccessible to cars.
"Between pedestrians and vehicu-
lar traffic, it is so hard to get around
in a car," said Officer Nanette Push
of DPS. "But on a bike you can whip
in and out and get to places a lot
faster. We've done tests where we've
had a car and a bike go to the same
location, and the bike will beat the
car, nine times out of 10."
Many people may assume that
police officers on a bicycle aren't as
powerful as those in a patrol car. Not
so, claim representatives of both
departments.
"There's
much nothing on a
bike you
can't do that
a patrol offi-
n a bike I cer, in acar
can," sid
tripleSergeant
Logghe of
,, the AAPD.
o me , "It's not
- Mike Logghe difficult.
bor Police Sergeant I've stopped
over 100
cars on
AAPD Sergeant Jesse Lewit said.
Also, both the AAPD and DPS
emphasize the bike cops' impact on
the community. Placing officers on
bicycles "enables them to get a little
more interaction with community
and students," Logghe said.
"We're getting police out of cars
and into a mode where they'd be
more accessible to the community.
Many people feel intimidated by
flagging down police officers in
cars," Lewit said.
An AAPD patrol technique guide
advises, "the bike can go almost
anywhere a runner can go - but
faster" and "hear more, see more,
and smell more than his road patrol
cohort, leading to increased enforce-
ment, arrests and self-initiated activ-
ity."
A cyclist force also can offer ben-
efits for officer fitness, as well as
morale. Many departments across
the country have experienced a
decrease in health care costs due to
the regular exercise the officers are
participating in while on a bike, said
Andrew Davis, program manager at
the IPMBA.
"It's good for the officers," said
Lewit. "We encourage physical fit-
ness."
There are no definite statistics on
how many people are apprehended
each year by bike cops, but the rea-
sons vary. Among pedestrians in the
campus area, most of the violations
are alcohol-related, Vonk said.
"I've apprehended everything
from drug dealing to traffic viola-
tions," Logghe said.
Bike cops have specific equip-
ment not required for police officers
in patrol cars.
Most important, of course, are the
bikes, which are designed specifi-
cally for police work. They are stur-
dier than regular mountain bikes and
are equipped with flashing red and
white lights and a shrill horn to sig-
nal an approach. The bikes also have
special tires that have a smooth strip
bike," Logghe said
If a perpetrator is in a car, an offi-
cer can call a patrol car for back-up.
Stop lights, congested traffic and
stop signs also are greater obstacles
for an automobile.
In addition to the simplicity of
venturing into areas closed to vehic-
ular traffic, there are other advan-
tages to bike cops. Bike cops imple-
ment a "stealth factor"; they are
swift and silent, as opposed to patrol
officers in cars.
"Any crimes in progress are more
likely to be caught by bike cops,"
Department of Public Safety offli
the University's bike brigade. Bo
plans in the works to increase ti
in the center for easier ridi
knobs on either side to grip
rain. The officers are requ
wear special clothing, gogg
helmets, provided by the
ment.
The main priority of the
cyclists seems to be getting i
with the campus community
enforcing the law.
"I can stand with my bike
the Diag and I'll have a milli
pie coming up to me, asking
my bike, bike patrol or polic
or even reporting a problen-
Push. "You're so much
approachable. When I'm on a
get double or triple the am
people coming up to me."
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