S2 -he Michigan Daily Week d Magazine - Thursday, No mber 5, 1998 1OWeekend etc. Column 0 The Michi0nn fiiv Weeend IV AAPD, DPS kick bike patrols into STUPIDITY SEASON It is with a heavy heart that I begin this week's column. A recent experience has taught me that a new and terifying plague is besetting mankind even as you read this. This plague is subtle, so subtle, in fact, that it escapes the notice of all but the most astute observers, deftly infiltrating the human species and slowly destroying it. I name this plague Stupidity. . Oh, go ahead, laugh if you must. I have every confidence that I will change your tune. Let me ask you this: have you ever suffered through a meal at a fast-food restaurant? Of course you have. And did the events of that meal defy logic? Did the chicken sandwich you ordered consist only of the chicken patty and the bun, mysteriously sprout a withered, dilapidat- ed leaf of lettuce and repulsive gobs of oozing, amoeba-like mayonnaise? And did the wait-staff deny all knowledge of your order when you confronted them? Ah, I see you've stopped laughing now. I knew you'd come around. My friends, my poor friends, you were all encounter- ing the effects of stupidity. My God, you SUNDAY SPECIAL Wolverines Score YOU SAVE! 5%off for every touchdown upto25%off on all U of M gifts and clothing k = BOOK & SUPPLY 317 SOUTH STATE STREET Corner of N. University Sunday after game only ANDREW MORTENSEN (DON, 1 A .N) say. This is truly a sinister disease. What can we do to avoid it? To answer that question, I think it would be best if I explained the recent experi- ence that opened my eyes to this debilitating illness. Once we have a bet- ter understanding of its workings, we may beginto devel- op ways to combat its consequences. first I take little notice of them, merely looking up to see who has allowed the cold draft to enter the building, then returning to my reading. A few minutes pass and I hear behind me the scrape of chairs as the pair I just saw enter seat themselves down to eat. Again I pay almost no attention to them. But then they begin speaking and I could just as soon shift the vault of the heavens as ignore them now. It seems that one of them has been tak- ing voice lessons from a buzz saw. The other makes up in volume what she lacks in piercing qualities of voice. One of the effects of Stupidity I've noticed is that it does something to the mind that con- vinces you every thought that pops into your head must at once be announced at the top of your voice. I've been forced to conclude that Stupidity damages the mind's ability to select thoughts worth expressing; that is, Stupidity removes the little screen we all have between our brains and our mouths, thereby allowing every stray word to spill out uncensored. The people I describe to you only add credibility to my theory. "So my waiter comes up to me," Buzz Saw voice says, causing me to grit my teeth, "and he goes 'Who had the moz- zarella sticks?' And all my friends look at me, but I'm like, 'Hello! I had the cheese sticks!' "Some people are so stupid," bellows her companion. "Oops, I spilled my Coke." I hear splashing behind me and see from the comer of my eye that her spilled Coke is creeping towards my foot. I shift myself closer to the table and redouble my efforts to complete my read- ing. "I hate it when I spill drinks," contin- ues the second speaker. "One time I spilled a drink and it soaked my dinner roll. I was so embarrassed." "I really like dinner rolls;' Buzz Saw rejoins, attempting to match her friend in volume. "Except sometimes you get those ones with too much flour on them and they dry out your mouth. When my mouth gets dry I gag a lot." Beads of sweat start to form on my brow; a small twitch begins in my cheek. "Once I ate a brussell sprout and I gagged. It was really gross," the woman with the bullhorn voice announces. "Those are really good on sandwiches. Sprouts, I mean." "What kind of sandwiches? ... cops, I spilled my Coke again,"Bullhorn shrieks. I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Do you have any napkins?" she asks the back of my head. I say no. She turns back to her friend: "He won't give me any napkins!" "How rude!" Buzz Saw yells, then, lowering her voice confidentially, says, "Hey, I almost threw up in Spanish today." A cry of delight erupts from Bullhorn: "Oh my God! Me too!" At this point I flee the restaurant. What can we do to combat Stupidity? Sadly, there's little anyone can do once the disease has taken hold of its victim. But fortunately new legislation has been intro- duced to address the spreading problem of public stupidity. This legislation would make it legal for bystanders to bind and gag any person whose disease gets the better of them. A corollary adds that a few slaps to the face are appropriate in extreme cases. So please, write to your congressperson at your soonest conve- nience and tell them to fight the spread of this disease. The future depends on it. -Andrew Mortensen is busy protest- ing Stupidity at eating establishments. He can be reached via e-mail at admorten@umich.edu. Picture, if you will, a mild-mannered columnist sitting in a local fast-food establishment, sipping occasionally from his drink, reading with an indifferent eye the words of some banal homework assignment. At this point, I shall switch to present tense for dramatic effect. I - for he is me, you see - am for all intents and purposes perfectly content, for the moment absorbed in my work. At such times I am at my most inoffensive, meaning that I am as scenery, as dull and devoid of interest to the casual observer as the mass-produced pictures that cover the walls of the restaurant. Enter Stupidity. The poor folk afflicted with the disease are blissfully unaware of their pitiable conditions, smiling happily, chattering back and forth with all the energy of a five-year old who has just consumed an entire bag of Pixy Stix. At AAPD bike cops have increased from four to 66 in five years By Cortney Dueweke Daily Arts Writer The Ann Arbor Police Department and the University's Department of Public Safety are quickly finding that two wheels may very well be better than four, Bike cops have increased substan- tially in number in recent years; the number of AAPD certified police cyclists swelled from four in 1993 to 66 this year. DPS now has 25 certi- fied bike cops, said AAPD spokesperson Kathleen Vonk. Vonk said the bike cops are extremely effective, and both depart- ments predict that the pro- gram will "You'reso c ontinue t o grow. m reap p ol1i ce Whenl' m4 cyclists are not restricted get double to bike patrol. On most the arnoun days, an offi- er c an co n u choose to be in a car or on Ann / a bicycle, or to take a patrol vehicle with a bike rack attached. During special events, such as parades, carnivals, and art fairs, officers may be assigned to the bike force. Police cyclists can ride year- round, but most stop bike patrol dur- ing the winter months. All bike cops are certified through the International Police Mountain Bike Association (IPMBA), and are required to pass a fitness test. The trend of having officers on bikes began around 1992, and inter- est everywhere has been picking up S Ar since. The bikes are not only cost effective - police bicycles cost from $21,800 to $23,800 less to pur- chase than patrol cars and $2,800 to $3,800 less in annual maintenance , said Andrew Davis, IPMBA program manager - but are also perfect for areas inaccessible to cars. "Between pedestrians and vehicu- lar traffic, it is so hard to get around in a car," said Officer Nanette Push of DPS. "But on a bike you can whip in and out and get to places a lot faster. We've done tests where we've had a car and a bike go to the same location, and the bike will beat the car, nine times out of 10." Many people may assume that police officers on a bicycle aren't as powerful as those in a patrol car. Not so, claim representatives of both departments. "There's much nothing on a bike you can't do that a patrol offi- n a bike I cer, in acar can," sid tripleSergeant Logghe of ,, the AAPD. o me , "It's not - Mike Logghe difficult. bor Police Sergeant I've stopped over 100 cars on AAPD Sergeant Jesse Lewit said. Also, both the AAPD and DPS emphasize the bike cops' impact on the community. Placing officers on bicycles "enables them to get a little more interaction with community and students," Logghe said. "We're getting police out of cars and into a mode where they'd be more accessible to the community. Many people feel intimidated by flagging down police officers in cars," Lewit said. An AAPD patrol technique guide advises, "the bike can go almost anywhere a runner can go - but faster" and "hear more, see more, and smell more than his road patrol cohort, leading to increased enforce- ment, arrests and self-initiated activ- ity." A cyclist force also can offer ben- efits for officer fitness, as well as morale. Many departments across the country have experienced a decrease in health care costs due to the regular exercise the officers are participating in while on a bike, said Andrew Davis, program manager at the IPMBA. "It's good for the officers," said Lewit. "We encourage physical fit- ness." There are no definite statistics on how many people are apprehended each year by bike cops, but the rea- sons vary. Among pedestrians in the campus area, most of the violations are alcohol-related, Vonk said. "I've apprehended everything from drug dealing to traffic viola- tions," Logghe said. Bike cops have specific equip- ment not required for police officers in patrol cars. Most important, of course, are the bikes, which are designed specifi- cally for police work. They are stur- dier than regular mountain bikes and are equipped with flashing red and white lights and a shrill horn to sig- nal an approach. The bikes also have special tires that have a smooth strip bike," Logghe said If a perpetrator is in a car, an offi- cer can call a patrol car for back-up. Stop lights, congested traffic and stop signs also are greater obstacles for an automobile. In addition to the simplicity of venturing into areas closed to vehic- ular traffic, there are other advan- tages to bike cops. Bike cops imple- ment a "stealth factor"; they are swift and silent, as opposed to patrol officers in cars. "Any crimes in progress are more likely to be caught by bike cops," Department of Public Safety offli the University's bike brigade. Bo plans in the works to increase ti in the center for easier ridi knobs on either side to grip rain. The officers are requ wear special clothing, gogg helmets, provided by the ment. The main priority of the cyclists seems to be getting i with the campus community enforcing the law. "I can stand with my bike the Diag and I'll have a milli pie coming up to me, asking my bike, bike patrol or polic or even reporting a problen- Push. "You're so much approachable. When I'm on a get double or triple the am people coming up to me." Six-String Coffee Houwe IffrA (W hmu,% ",ye~7 are suich stuff as dreams aire made i'll..." announcing... The Folk/Acoustic Singers/Songwriters Open Mic Extravaganza with special guest Lisa Hunter, folk singer/songwriter By wi~liam shakesyea" Admit it. You're tired of sitting around and watching TV. Go out and do something, already! Need ideas? See The list on pages 14 and 15. Creative Careers: Fir for m fridaydecember 4 8pm league underground michigan league 911 n. university (across frombarton tower) Dae November (U. * all participants will get giveway prizes. * the extravanganza is open to all folklacoustic singers/songwriters from ann arbor and neighboring cities. * participants must register at least one hour (7pm) before the event at 8pm to determine the participants' order of appearance. * limited space available, so show up on time. nore information, call up Michigan League Programming Office, tel. no. 763-4652. Join Career Planning & P1 specifically geared toward j these options for creative For more information: wG November 5-7, 8y. m. November 8, 2y. m. 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