to1 The Michigan aiyWeekenA Magazine - Tbursday,March 27, 1997
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State of the Arts
PERVERTS, PIANISTS, PATIENTS MAKE 'BEST' DINNER GUESTS
The Michigan Daily Weekend
® Sound and Fury
PLAYMATES GET NO RESPECT
BY DEAN BAKOPOULOS
Upon accepting his award
for Best Actor at the 69th
Annual Academy Awards cer-
emony on Monday night,
Geoffrey Rush reminded
audiences of a role-playing
. , game -- one where you can
invite all characters, real and
fictional, to a dinner table to
share in conversation.
By smWIV "404 Rush, who played pianist
Oakik EArts EdDavid Helfgott in "Shine,"
said he was honored to be seated at the same table
as Karl Childers (Billy Bob Thornton, "Sling
Blade"), Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise, "Jerry
Maguire"), Larry Flynt (Woody Harrelson, "The
People vs. Larry Flynt") and Count Laz"oTde
Almasy (Ralph Fiennes, "The English Patient).
Rush expressed that he couldn't even begin to
imagine a conversation between such a random,
different group of characters.
Would a horny Flynt incessantly babble to a
mentally disturbed Karl about the beauty of naked
women all night?
-Wuld Jerry Maguire be able to sell his new
marketing ideas and propositions to an incoherent
Helfgott?
Would Helfgott and Karl fight over who was
more mentally disturbed?
Would Count Lazio be able to talk about any-
thing but his true love, Katherine, in the desert? On
second thought, with all his bandages and burns,
would he be able to talk at all?
Would the characters' "personal poetry," as
Rush called it, clash or complement each other?
Though personal, can anything coming from
Flynt's mouth be labeled "poetry?"
Mr. Rush, here is my imaginative stab at your
scenario from the other night. Happy dining.
For imagination's sake, let's just assume that the
dinner is taking place at my house and that I am
the silent server girl, not participating, but absorb-
ing every facet of the conversation. I am serving
spaghetti, sourdough bread and a lightly tossed
salad. My guests are now seated and ready to eat.
(Flynt is drooling at the mouth, and Karl is ner-
vously rubbing his hands together.) At the last
minute, upon Karl's request, I have thrown some
frozen "freh-fried potaters" in the oven, despite
the fact that such a side dish does not go with
spaghetti.
FLYNT: Where's the meat, dammit? I'm hun-
gry. I thought somebody told me there were going
to be naked chicks here. Where's them Best
Actresses? They'd look great in my photo album.
Yo, Helfgott ... HELFGOTT! What the hell is
wrong with you?
HELFGOTT: I gotta gotta eat because because
I'm hungry. I'm hungry, yes, in fact, hungry.
Brilliantly hungry. Smashingly, yes, I think, in
fact, yes.
FLYNT: Hey - Count whatever. Helfgott's
mental? Damn retard. What's the problem? By the
way, what the hell is wrong with your face? I know
this great, blind naked chick who might really dig
you.
COUNT: Mr. Flynt, you disgust me to the great-
est degree. I have no use for your blind, naked
woman. My memories of Katherine, my true love,
live on because I went back for her. But it was too
late. Oh anguish! Oh mental torment! Those
months in the desert were hell for me. Do you
think, haunted by these memories, I can just
romance the first blind woman who comes along?
My life has been too great, too painful, too filled
with love, hate, deceit, lust, revenge ...
FLYNT: Shut the hell up, you overdramatic
jerkoff.
KARL: If you ever speak to dat boy like dat
again, I'll kill you. Uh huh. Where's dem french-
fried potaters? I reckon I could eat me some a dem.
Uh huh. Could somebody pass da margarine knife.
Some folks call it a butter knife, but I call it a mar-
garine knife, but some folks call it a butter knife.
HELFGOTT: I can't reach. I can't reach. I can't
reach the margarine knife.
MAGUIRE: No problem, Karl. I've got it,
David. Don't worry about it.
FLYNT: He's a goddamn retard killer. Yeah, give
him a KNIFE, Maguire. Good job, Sherlock
Asshole. Always assuming the good in people.
HELFGOTT: Sherlock, Sherlock, Sherlock
Holmes, I believe. Holmes, yes, in fact, Holmes
precisely right. Sherlock.
COUNT: Mr. Flynt, I can almost assure you that
Karl cannot hurt anyone with a margarine knife.
I've been exposed to a lot worse. When I think
back on the desert storms, the torrential winds -
FLYNT: Can we just pretend this pretty boy
doesn't exist for now, huh men? Wouldn't that
make this dinner slightly more enjoyable? Men?
What do you say? Screw the Count, eh?
KARL: All right then because, Mr. Larry, I like
da way you talk.
HELFGOTT: Yes, yes, yes. Screw the Count.
Screw the Count. Screw the Count. Brilliant, bril-
liant, brilliant.
MAGUIRE: No, Flynt. I know the Count's been
through something rough. I think I can relate. Love
is a tricky business.
COUNT: Jerry, I know. My bandages remind
me of the horrors of life and love every single day.
MAGUIRE: There's this woman. And she com-
pletes me. Completes me.
COUNT: That's so beautiful.
FLYNT: (between whooping sounds) Maguire,
you stud. Does she "show you the money?" Aw
yeah. Does she want to be photographed?
MAGUIRE: Listen, Larry. Nobody's talking to
you. I'm with the Count. Stay out of it.
KARL: All right den. Where's dem potaters? I's
a just released from a nervous hospital and I reck-
on I still git nervous without my french-fried
potaters from time to time.
HELFGOTT: Time to time to time to time to
time. Brilliantly said. Brilliant. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
FLYNT: Great, Maguire. The margarine knife
killer man is nervous. Now we're all screwed. Am
I the only sane person here?
KARL: Uh huh. Uh huh.
FLYNT: Shut up, Karl. Was I even talking to you?
KARL: Alright den.
COUNT: Fine. I will ignore the rude comments
and tell my tale of love, deception, greed, war ...
FLYNT: This loser needs a psychologist. Now I
know one of you mentals must have one.
KARL: Uh huh.
Maybe you can imagine the rest. And maybe, if
you don't understand any of the movie references,
then you need to brush up on your Academy
Award-winning films of 1996.
Bon appetit.
- Jennifer Petlinski can be reached via e-mail at
petlinskumich. edu.
I've been on campus for four years
now and no one's ever asked me to take
my shirt off. (Frankly, I'm a little hurt.)
But just last week, Playboy magazine
hit campus in search of just that female
students who would take their shirts off.
It's all part of Playboy's infamous "Girls
of the Big Ten" Calender.
I'm not sure exactly how long
Playboy's featured the "Girls of the Big
Ten," but the tradition of photographing
undressed coeds has been a long stand-
ing way to get horny men to buy maga-
zines. Something along these lines of
mentality:
"Hey, Mel, check out these chicks in
college dorms. College babes must real-
ly like doin' it."
Or:
"Hey Wally! Beaver! You goofballs
see the swell new Playboy? I'm sure
looking forward to it at State U!"
Whatever the case, it works and it
sells.
It also stirs up a lot of protesters.
Many University women were not
amused by Playboy's presence on cam-
pus, despite the fact that Playboy's soft
porn is featured alongside intelligent or
witty writings. The bottom line of the
magazine is simple: "We've got naked
chicks in here:'
So, you can see why many women
were protesting the Playboy search for
Big Ten girls. And rightly so. While
Playboy has every right to exist, and
probably will always exist, the reason
for. all the protest and anti-Playboy
backlash is justified and valid.
Think of the situation like this: You're
a college student, a woman at a national-
ly prestigious university. You work hard
every week to get good grades, be an
active student, develop your talents, cul-
tivate your values, etc. For years, your
gender has been seen as second-class, an
also-ran, a collection of pretty faces with
a few intelligent ones thrown in.
These days, things are looking up.
While you still face harassment and dis-
crimination, you feel that gender equal-
ity is becoming more of a reality. Or at
least it's getting there. So on your way
home from a 10 hour study session one
slick and grey afternoon, you see a
crowd of protesters. Investigating the
cause behind the signs and the chants,
you find out that Playboy is looking for
models for "The Girls of the Big Ten.'
This is how Playboy wants to repre-
sent you to the world: Pouty and big-
eyed, your bra falling over your navel;
smiling and playful, your underpants
garnishing your ankles. And they won't
even call you a woman - rather, they'll
adorn you with the diminutive phrase
"Girl of the Big Ten."
Now admittedly, there was a day
when I saw nothing wrong with such an
issue. In fact, when you're 14 or 15, and
you get your hands on the issue, you see
everything right with the issue. But the
more intelligent, thoughtful, interesting
females I meet at the college level, the
more I realize that they deal with sexu-
al condescension on a daily basis -
being "hit" on, being hooted at, being
oggled, the whole shabang. It happens
more than some of us caveme
you especially realize it when
you really care about has to de
on a regular basis.
So what the Playboy college
is simply perpetualize the ter
look at women -no matter he
creative and unique - as objc
slap in the face to the 99.9 p
Big Ten women who aren't in
It says, "Hey look, you work i
you're smart, but when it come
it, you're just a hunk of meat."
I will say that some ofthe pro
campus last week had the wron
mind:You can't deny Playboy i
publish and print pictures c
women. The magazine as an e
SPRING
Continued from Page 38
Especially on this campus, where there
is a heck of a lot of concrete, green
things are very important."
Nature in the springtime
Nature around Ann Arbor is bloom-
ing in other places besides Nichols
Arboretum.
The Outdoor Recreation Center
(ODR), located in the North Campus
Recreation Building, rents out sporting
and camping equipment on a first-
come, first-serve basis. While there are
rental rates, there is no additional user
ows,
fee for students or faculty members
with a current Rec Sports User Pass.
This equipment ranges from tents to
volleyball sets to bike helmets and
canoes, which can be loaded on a car
and taken to water.
ODR also sponsors trips and outings
for people interested in hiking, caving,
climbing or other outdoor pursuits. In
addition, ODR holds clinics on topics
such as bike repair, kayaking and out-
door cooking.
The next scheduled trip, May 16-18,
is a caving trip to southern Indiana on.
Trips are arranged for a wide range
of ability, from beginners to more expe-
rienced participants.
"We get a huge representation of the
climbing community," employee
Michelle Ferrarese said. "Not that it's
that big."
Even though ODR is not widely pub-
ATTENTION o
SENIOR
HISTORY
CONCENTRATORS
Colloquium Sign-Up
for Fall Term 1997 Is
Monday, March 31,
10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.
in1024 Angell Hall. No
preference given
to early arrivals.
licized, Ferrarese said all of its
mately 20 tents will be rented
spring or summer weekend.
More information about O[
obtained from its Website, ht
recsports.umich.edu/ODR/, 01
ing 764-3967.
Gallup Park, on
Fuller Road along
the Huron River,
also beckons
spring-seekers,
especially those
looking to
rollerblade or take a
nature walk. Other
options include bike rental,
ground, picnic tables and gri
rental beginning April 5, and #
The Matthaei Botanical
located at 1800 N. Dixboro R
available for those who want t
through the wilderness. The
include an indoor conservato
is open from 10 a.m.-4:30 p
and outdoor trails, which are<c
8 a.m. until sunset seven days
"The outdoors is definitel
up," said Liz Elling, visitor
Comedian
"IBrinag
Tickets: $1
at Hillel 1429 Hill Street, (3
Sunday, April 6, 1997
Hill Auditorium
University of
-TKTS to charge by phone.
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