to1 The Michigan aiyWeekenA Magazine - Tbursday,March 27, 1997 0 0 v State of the Arts PERVERTS, PIANISTS, PATIENTS MAKE 'BEST' DINNER GUESTS The Michigan Daily Weekend ® Sound and Fury PLAYMATES GET NO RESPECT BY DEAN BAKOPOULOS Upon accepting his award for Best Actor at the 69th Annual Academy Awards cer- emony on Monday night, Geoffrey Rush reminded audiences of a role-playing . , game -- one where you can invite all characters, real and fictional, to a dinner table to share in conversation. By smWIV "404 Rush, who played pianist Oakik EArts EdDavid Helfgott in "Shine," said he was honored to be seated at the same table as Karl Childers (Billy Bob Thornton, "Sling Blade"), Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise, "Jerry Maguire"), Larry Flynt (Woody Harrelson, "The People vs. Larry Flynt") and Count Laz"oTde Almasy (Ralph Fiennes, "The English Patient). Rush expressed that he couldn't even begin to imagine a conversation between such a random, different group of characters. Would a horny Flynt incessantly babble to a mentally disturbed Karl about the beauty of naked women all night? -Wuld Jerry Maguire be able to sell his new marketing ideas and propositions to an incoherent Helfgott? Would Helfgott and Karl fight over who was more mentally disturbed? Would Count Lazio be able to talk about any- thing but his true love, Katherine, in the desert? On second thought, with all his bandages and burns, would he be able to talk at all? Would the characters' "personal poetry," as Rush called it, clash or complement each other? Though personal, can anything coming from Flynt's mouth be labeled "poetry?" Mr. Rush, here is my imaginative stab at your scenario from the other night. Happy dining. For imagination's sake, let's just assume that the dinner is taking place at my house and that I am the silent server girl, not participating, but absorb- ing every facet of the conversation. I am serving spaghetti, sourdough bread and a lightly tossed salad. My guests are now seated and ready to eat. (Flynt is drooling at the mouth, and Karl is ner- vously rubbing his hands together.) At the last minute, upon Karl's request, I have thrown some frozen "freh-fried potaters" in the oven, despite the fact that such a side dish does not go with spaghetti. FLYNT: Where's the meat, dammit? I'm hun- gry. I thought somebody told me there were going to be naked chicks here. Where's them Best Actresses? They'd look great in my photo album. Yo, Helfgott ... HELFGOTT! What the hell is wrong with you? HELFGOTT: I gotta gotta eat because because I'm hungry. I'm hungry, yes, in fact, hungry. Brilliantly hungry. Smashingly, yes, I think, in fact, yes. FLYNT: Hey - Count whatever. Helfgott's mental? Damn retard. What's the problem? By the way, what the hell is wrong with your face? I know this great, blind naked chick who might really dig you. COUNT: Mr. Flynt, you disgust me to the great- est degree. I have no use for your blind, naked woman. My memories of Katherine, my true love, live on because I went back for her. But it was too late. Oh anguish! Oh mental torment! Those months in the desert were hell for me. Do you think, haunted by these memories, I can just romance the first blind woman who comes along? My life has been too great, too painful, too filled with love, hate, deceit, lust, revenge ... FLYNT: Shut the hell up, you overdramatic jerkoff. KARL: If you ever speak to dat boy like dat again, I'll kill you. Uh huh. Where's dem french- fried potaters? I reckon I could eat me some a dem. Uh huh. Could somebody pass da margarine knife. Some folks call it a butter knife, but I call it a mar- garine knife, but some folks call it a butter knife. HELFGOTT: I can't reach. I can't reach. I can't reach the margarine knife. MAGUIRE: No problem, Karl. I've got it, David. Don't worry about it. FLYNT: He's a goddamn retard killer. Yeah, give him a KNIFE, Maguire. Good job, Sherlock Asshole. Always assuming the good in people. HELFGOTT: Sherlock, Sherlock, Sherlock Holmes, I believe. Holmes, yes, in fact, Holmes precisely right. Sherlock. COUNT: Mr. Flynt, I can almost assure you that Karl cannot hurt anyone with a margarine knife. I've been exposed to a lot worse. When I think back on the desert storms, the torrential winds - FLYNT: Can we just pretend this pretty boy doesn't exist for now, huh men? Wouldn't that make this dinner slightly more enjoyable? Men? What do you say? Screw the Count, eh? KARL: All right then because, Mr. Larry, I like da way you talk. HELFGOTT: Yes, yes, yes. Screw the Count. Screw the Count. Screw the Count. Brilliant, bril- liant, brilliant. MAGUIRE: No, Flynt. I know the Count's been through something rough. I think I can relate. Love is a tricky business. COUNT: Jerry, I know. My bandages remind me of the horrors of life and love every single day. MAGUIRE: There's this woman. And she com- pletes me. Completes me. COUNT: That's so beautiful. FLYNT: (between whooping sounds) Maguire, you stud. Does she "show you the money?" Aw yeah. Does she want to be photographed? MAGUIRE: Listen, Larry. Nobody's talking to you. I'm with the Count. Stay out of it. KARL: All right den. Where's dem potaters? I's a just released from a nervous hospital and I reck- on I still git nervous without my french-fried potaters from time to time. HELFGOTT: Time to time to time to time to time. Brilliantly said. Brilliant. Yes, yes, yes, yes. FLYNT: Great, Maguire. The margarine knife killer man is nervous. Now we're all screwed. Am I the only sane person here? KARL: Uh huh. Uh huh. FLYNT: Shut up, Karl. Was I even talking to you? KARL: Alright den. COUNT: Fine. I will ignore the rude comments and tell my tale of love, deception, greed, war ... FLYNT: This loser needs a psychologist. Now I know one of you mentals must have one. KARL: Uh huh. Maybe you can imagine the rest. And maybe, if you don't understand any of the movie references, then you need to brush up on your Academy Award-winning films of 1996. Bon appetit. - Jennifer Petlinski can be reached via e-mail at petlinskumich. edu. I've been on campus for four years now and no one's ever asked me to take my shirt off. (Frankly, I'm a little hurt.) But just last week, Playboy magazine hit campus in search of just that female students who would take their shirts off. It's all part of Playboy's infamous "Girls of the Big Ten" Calender. I'm not sure exactly how long Playboy's featured the "Girls of the Big Ten," but the tradition of photographing undressed coeds has been a long stand- ing way to get horny men to buy maga- zines. Something along these lines of mentality: "Hey, Mel, check out these chicks in college dorms. College babes must real- ly like doin' it." Or: "Hey Wally! Beaver! You goofballs see the swell new Playboy? I'm sure looking forward to it at State U!" Whatever the case, it works and it sells. It also stirs up a lot of protesters. Many University women were not amused by Playboy's presence on cam- pus, despite the fact that Playboy's soft porn is featured alongside intelligent or witty writings. The bottom line of the magazine is simple: "We've got naked chicks in here:' So, you can see why many women were protesting the Playboy search for Big Ten girls. And rightly so. While Playboy has every right to exist, and probably will always exist, the reason for. all the protest and anti-Playboy backlash is justified and valid. Think of the situation like this: You're a college student, a woman at a national- ly prestigious university. You work hard every week to get good grades, be an active student, develop your talents, cul- tivate your values, etc. For years, your gender has been seen as second-class, an also-ran, a collection of pretty faces with a few intelligent ones thrown in. These days, things are looking up. While you still face harassment and dis- crimination, you feel that gender equal- ity is becoming more of a reality. Or at least it's getting there. So on your way home from a 10 hour study session one slick and grey afternoon, you see a crowd of protesters. Investigating the cause behind the signs and the chants, you find out that Playboy is looking for models for "The Girls of the Big Ten.' This is how Playboy wants to repre- sent you to the world: Pouty and big- eyed, your bra falling over your navel; smiling and playful, your underpants garnishing your ankles. And they won't even call you a woman - rather, they'll adorn you with the diminutive phrase "Girl of the Big Ten." Now admittedly, there was a day when I saw nothing wrong with such an issue. In fact, when you're 14 or 15, and you get your hands on the issue, you see everything right with the issue. But the more intelligent, thoughtful, interesting females I meet at the college level, the more I realize that they deal with sexu- al condescension on a daily basis - being "hit" on, being hooted at, being oggled, the whole shabang. It happens more than some of us caveme you especially realize it when you really care about has to de on a regular basis. So what the Playboy college is simply perpetualize the ter look at women -no matter he creative and unique - as objc slap in the face to the 99.9 p Big Ten women who aren't in It says, "Hey look, you work i you're smart, but when it come it, you're just a hunk of meat." I will say that some ofthe pro campus last week had the wron mind:You can't deny Playboy i publish and print pictures c women. The magazine as an e SPRING Continued from Page 38 Especially on this campus, where there is a heck of a lot of concrete, green things are very important." Nature in the springtime Nature around Ann Arbor is bloom- ing in other places besides Nichols Arboretum. The Outdoor Recreation Center (ODR), located in the North Campus Recreation Building, rents out sporting and camping equipment on a first- come, first-serve basis. While there are rental rates, there is no additional user ows, fee for students or faculty members with a current Rec Sports User Pass. This equipment ranges from tents to volleyball sets to bike helmets and canoes, which can be loaded on a car and taken to water. ODR also sponsors trips and outings for people interested in hiking, caving, climbing or other outdoor pursuits. In addition, ODR holds clinics on topics such as bike repair, kayaking and out- door cooking. The next scheduled trip, May 16-18, is a caving trip to southern Indiana on. Trips are arranged for a wide range of ability, from beginners to more expe- rienced participants. "We get a huge representation of the climbing community," employee Michelle Ferrarese said. "Not that it's that big." Even though ODR is not widely pub- ATTENTION o SENIOR HISTORY CONCENTRATORS Colloquium Sign-Up for Fall Term 1997 Is Monday, March 31, 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. in1024 Angell Hall. No preference given to early arrivals. licized, Ferrarese said all of its mately 20 tents will be rented spring or summer weekend. More information about O[ obtained from its Website, ht recsports.umich.edu/ODR/, 01 ing 764-3967. Gallup Park, on Fuller Road along the Huron River, also beckons spring-seekers, especially those looking to rollerblade or take a nature walk. Other options include bike rental, ground, picnic tables and gri rental beginning April 5, and # The Matthaei Botanical located at 1800 N. Dixboro R available for those who want t through the wilderness. The include an indoor conservato is open from 10 a.m.-4:30 p and outdoor trails, which are