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February 05, 1997 - Image 13

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The Michigan Daily, 1997-02-05

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The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, February 5, 1997 - 13

Obi-wan Kenobi's
knowledge of the
Force could be
useful to the
Wolverines. In
tough situations,
Kenobi could
change the very
face of the game
with a wave of
his hand.

Empire coach Darth Vader tells one of his players, "You have disappointed me for the last time." Vader's tough leadership style has made him a legend.
Ffre Cam the answer lies bi the stars

After his perfor-
mance against
the Empire, in
which he blew up
the Death Star,
Luke Skywalker
has been dubbed
the perfect wide
receiver. The
pretty-boy prima
donna would be
perfect for aerial
bombardment.

long time ago, in a football
stadium not too far away, the
Michigan Wolverines staked
claim to an empire like none other
the universe had ever seen.
In the biggest stadium in the
alaxy, they had supreme power.
dig Ten titles. Rose Bowls. Record
numbers of victories.
Now the peace has been shat-
tered. The Force
is weak. The
offense can;
attack no longer.
And so Lloydw
Carr has to go -
now.M
,.There needs to NICHOLAS J.
a return to the
4 ways, and the COTSONIKA
ong who can do The Greek
it has been sit- Speaks
ting in front of
us for 20 years. A leader. A discipli-
narian. A legend. A Michigan man
(oDat least a man with a Michigan
man's voice).
And he's back, better than ever.
Darth Vader.
No one knows if he is interested,
but he has always been wooed by
organizations with abundant
resources. And after talking to peo-
pIe I have a great respect for, such
as Joe Paterno and Yoda, I've come
to a conclusion: Darth is the man.
*J-ire Vader.
We can't afford to have
M ichigan slip into mediocrity,"
Paterno said. "Vader has a great
ecord - except for that setback
'With the Death Star. And until the
next movie comes out, he's not
doing anything."'
Yoda, while teaching a young
offensive lineman to float rushers
away with the Force, was equally
enthusiastic.
*'To win you want, then hire
Vqder you will," Yoda said. "Other
cQgches, crappy they are."
I had to ask Yoda about Darth's
ark side, of course. Will I really be
happy with him as coach?
0ALIES
Continued from Page 11
Por to the season, Gresl was in the
running for the backup job, but the
position ultimately went to Brusseau.
The loss of eligibility for the fresh -
man goaltender is not too important,
C4ording to Mason.
""He's a 20-year-old freshman and
almost a sophomore in school,"
Mason said. "From that standpoint,
's not giving up a lot in terms of
what might happen in four years."
,While Gresl is on the Michigan
State active roster, there is not another
goalie on the team.
go the Spartans had to search else-
here for a backup.
' ssuming he clears NCAA clear-
inhouse standards for academics, Jim
Sexsmith will be Gresl's backup.
Sexsmith, a native of Ann Arbor, is
currently the starting goaltender on
the Michigan State club hockey team,
and Mason is confident he will be

"You will be," he said. "You wiiii-
ill be."
Hire Vader.
I know. I know. He's had some
recruiting troubles. But that suit and
breathing problem won't be a big
deal here. His boss, Athletic
Director Joe Roberson, isn't as ugly
as the Emperor. And Michigan mer-
chandise is a big seller from Ann
Arbor to Alderaan.
And he's got discipline. That's for
sure.
Vader: Suck, wheez. You were to
make that block. I told you to see to
it personally. Suck, wheez.
Player: But Lord Coach, I ...
choke, gasp!
Vader: Suck, wheez. You have
disappointed me for the last time.
Suck, wheez.
Player: Choke, gasp! Choke...
Think of the staff and players
Vader could have if he makes up
with his old buddies.
Obi-wan Kenobi as an assistant.
He'd be great on the sideline, for
those times when things don't go
Michigan's way. A little bit of the
Force can do wonders.
Referee: False start, on the
offense. Five-yard ....
Kenobi: Sorry. Offsides, on the
defense. Five-yard penalty.
Referee: Sorry. Offsides, on the
defense. Five-yard penalty.
Kenobi: First down.
Referee: First down.
Kenobi: Sorry. Fifteen more yards.
Referee: Sorry. Fifteen more yards.
Kenobi: Touchdown!
Referee: Touchdown!
Kenobi: Game over. Michigan
wins. He can go about his business.
Move along..
Referee: Game over. Michigan
wins. He can go about his business.
Move along.
The Force always has a powerful
effect on "simple minds," Kenobi
said.
Vader could get Chewbacca on
the line. Michigan has been accused
of lacking the will to win, and

Chewy could fix that. The
Wolverines need Wookies, not
wussies.
After all, when the Wolverines
lose, they don't tear people's arms
out of their sockets. And "Wookies
have been known to do that," Han
Solo said.
Han Solo! Of course! He could be
quarterback! Some questionable
booster money might be needed to
steal him from his agent, Jabba the
Hutt.
But hey, the NCAA infractions
committee ain't gonna mess with
Vader. And no car would have to be
bought; Han's already got a sweet
ride.
The Wolverines could hold onto
Solo for just two years before he
splits for the big money. But two
years might be enough to take
advantage of a receiver like Luke
Skywalker, a pretty-boy prima
donna perfect for aerial bombard-
ment.
The Wolverines could get Boba
Fett on special teams.
They could get R2-D2 to draw up
some complicated game plans and
C-3PO to interpret them.
They could throw in some Sand
People and Wookies on the defen-
sive line.
See what would happen then.
Michigan would have to play only
day games, because it would be too
dangerous to go out at night.
What a team!
And Vader would be a public rela-
tions dream! The fans would go
wild when he says, "Never underes-
timate the power of the Wolverines."
Imagine that, a coach who has it
all and smiles more than Carr.
Perfect!
Mr. Roberson, the choice is clear.
Hire Vader.
And may the Force be with you.
Always.
- Nicholas . Cotsonika needs to
remember what his mother told him:
It's just a movie. He can be reached
over e-mail at cotsonik@umich.edu.

Sports Wars
The Michigan football team has
been struggling in recent years,
and it needs a return to the old
ways. The Wolverines need help
from above.
The roster
Coach... . ............ .Darth Vader
Assistant coach......Obi-wan Kenobi
Quarterback....................Han Solo
Solo's agent......Jabba the Hutt
Wide receiver.........Luke Skywalker
Left tackle....................Chewbacca
Unemen.......Wookies, Sand People
Running backs.........Ewoks
Specialist........................Boba Fett
Kicker..................Princess Leia
Coordinator...............R2-D2
Interpreter.......
Athletic director........kide R~ben
Home field....................A draan
Fight song............Star Wars theme

Han Solo's quick
thinking could
make him an All-
Galaxy quarter-
back. The
Wolverines may
be able to sign
him - for a,
price. Solo ias
been known't
respond only
when people
"show him the
money."

Announcing the
1996-1997
Sala
aU
Get the low do on
the who's who of the
salary charts...
Check out the
Salary supplement
available
NOW!!!I

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