The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, February 5, 1997 - 13 Obi-wan Kenobi's knowledge of the Force could be useful to the Wolverines. In tough situations, Kenobi could change the very face of the game with a wave of his hand. Empire coach Darth Vader tells one of his players, "You have disappointed me for the last time." Vader's tough leadership style has made him a legend. Ffre Cam the answer lies bi the stars After his perfor- mance against the Empire, in which he blew up the Death Star, Luke Skywalker has been dubbed the perfect wide receiver. The pretty-boy prima donna would be perfect for aerial bombardment. long time ago, in a football stadium not too far away, the Michigan Wolverines staked claim to an empire like none other the universe had ever seen. In the biggest stadium in the alaxy, they had supreme power. dig Ten titles. Rose Bowls. Record numbers of victories. Now the peace has been shat- tered. The Force is weak. The offense can; attack no longer. And so Lloydw Carr has to go - now.M ,.There needs to NICHOLAS J. a return to the 4 ways, and the COTSONIKA ong who can do The Greek it has been sit- Speaks ting in front of us for 20 years. A leader. A discipli- narian. A legend. A Michigan man (oDat least a man with a Michigan man's voice). And he's back, better than ever. Darth Vader. No one knows if he is interested, but he has always been wooed by organizations with abundant resources. And after talking to peo- pIe I have a great respect for, such as Joe Paterno and Yoda, I've come to a conclusion: Darth is the man. *J-ire Vader. We can't afford to have M ichigan slip into mediocrity," Paterno said. "Vader has a great ecord - except for that setback 'With the Death Star. And until the next movie comes out, he's not doing anything."' Yoda, while teaching a young offensive lineman to float rushers away with the Force, was equally enthusiastic. *'To win you want, then hire Vqder you will," Yoda said. "Other cQgches, crappy they are." I had to ask Yoda about Darth's ark side, of course. Will I really be happy with him as coach? 0ALIES Continued from Page 11 Por to the season, Gresl was in the running for the backup job, but the position ultimately went to Brusseau. The loss of eligibility for the fresh - man goaltender is not too important, C4ording to Mason. ""He's a 20-year-old freshman and almost a sophomore in school," Mason said. "From that standpoint, 's not giving up a lot in terms of what might happen in four years." ,While Gresl is on the Michigan State active roster, there is not another goalie on the team. go the Spartans had to search else- here for a backup. ' ssuming he clears NCAA clear- inhouse standards for academics, Jim Sexsmith will be Gresl's backup. Sexsmith, a native of Ann Arbor, is currently the starting goaltender on the Michigan State club hockey team, and Mason is confident he will be "You will be," he said. "You wiiii- ill be." Hire Vader. I know. I know. He's had some recruiting troubles. But that suit and breathing problem won't be a big deal here. His boss, Athletic Director Joe Roberson, isn't as ugly as the Emperor. And Michigan mer- chandise is a big seller from Ann Arbor to Alderaan. And he's got discipline. That's for sure. Vader: Suck, wheez. You were to make that block. I told you to see to it personally. Suck, wheez. Player: But Lord Coach, I ... choke, gasp! Vader: Suck, wheez. You have disappointed me for the last time. Suck, wheez. Player: Choke, gasp! Choke... Think of the staff and players Vader could have if he makes up with his old buddies. Obi-wan Kenobi as an assistant. He'd be great on the sideline, for those times when things don't go Michigan's way. A little bit of the Force can do wonders. Referee: False start, on the offense. Five-yard .... Kenobi: Sorry. Offsides, on the defense. Five-yard penalty. Referee: Sorry. Offsides, on the defense. Five-yard penalty. Kenobi: First down. Referee: First down. Kenobi: Sorry. Fifteen more yards. Referee: Sorry. Fifteen more yards. Kenobi: Touchdown! Referee: Touchdown! Kenobi: Game over. Michigan wins. He can go about his business. Move along.. Referee: Game over. Michigan wins. He can go about his business. Move along. The Force always has a powerful effect on "simple minds," Kenobi said. Vader could get Chewbacca on the line. Michigan has been accused of lacking the will to win, and Chewy could fix that. The Wolverines need Wookies, not wussies. After all, when the Wolverines lose, they don't tear people's arms out of their sockets. And "Wookies have been known to do that," Han Solo said. Han Solo! Of course! He could be quarterback! Some questionable booster money might be needed to steal him from his agent, Jabba the Hutt. But hey, the NCAA infractions committee ain't gonna mess with Vader. And no car would have to be bought; Han's already got a sweet ride. The Wolverines could hold onto Solo for just two years before he splits for the big money. But two years might be enough to take advantage of a receiver like Luke Skywalker, a pretty-boy prima donna perfect for aerial bombard- ment. The Wolverines could get Boba Fett on special teams. They could get R2-D2 to draw up some complicated game plans and C-3PO to interpret them. They could throw in some Sand People and Wookies on the defen- sive line. See what would happen then. Michigan would have to play only day games, because it would be too dangerous to go out at night. What a team! And Vader would be a public rela- tions dream! The fans would go wild when he says, "Never underes- timate the power of the Wolverines." Imagine that, a coach who has it all and smiles more than Carr. Perfect! Mr. Roberson, the choice is clear. Hire Vader. And may the Force be with you. Always. - Nicholas . Cotsonika needs to remember what his mother told him: It's just a movie. He can be reached over e-mail at cotsonik@umich.edu. Sports Wars The Michigan football team has been struggling in recent years, and it needs a return to the old ways. The Wolverines need help from above. The roster Coach... . ............ .Darth Vader Assistant coach......Obi-wan Kenobi Quarterback....................Han Solo Solo's agent......Jabba the Hutt Wide receiver.........Luke Skywalker Left tackle....................Chewbacca Unemen.......Wookies, Sand People Running backs.........Ewoks Specialist........................Boba Fett Kicker..................Princess Leia Coordinator...............R2-D2 Interpreter....... Athletic director........kide R~ben Home field....................A draan Fight song............Star Wars theme Han Solo's quick thinking could make him an All- Galaxy quarter- back. The Wolverines may be able to sign him - for a, price. Solo ias been known't respond only when people "show him the money." Announcing the 1996-1997 Sala aU Get the low do on the who's who of the salary charts... Check out the Salary supplement available NOW!!!I MAY THE DAILY SPORTS SECTION BE WITH YOU U U 747-9400 1220 S. University Above McDonalds, Kinko's TANNING I - I ~~~d-4 N l~q -1vI A " w - 0