8 -The Michigan Daily -Tuesday, March 7, 1995
4. A ~ .nr
ance," really isn't all that bad. Hon-
estly. I mean, after 1991's aptly titled
"A.W.F.U.L." or something like
that, even an album of Michael
Bolton covers would have been an
<Van Halen' s latest release, "Bal-
improvement.
Even though it is a pretty bad
album as a whole, it is quite an im-
provement from the more recent Van
Halen albums. Although it doesn't
have some witty title like "OU812,"
"F.U.C.K.," or the ingenious num-
bered ones "1984" and "5150," as
usual, the songs are quite predictable
and usually inane and annoying. For
the first time in years though, the
band actually sounds like they could
be having fun again. But to sum it up
best, after listening to "Balance" for a
only a few minutes, my friend Chris
confessed he "would rather have an
enema than listen to this."
Once again, guitar virtuoso Eddie
Van Halen's playing and songwriting
are pulled down by the rest of his
talentless gang, with his brother's
tinny and repetitious drums, Michael
Anthony's monotonous one note bass
lines, and, oh, Sammy! Don't they
realize this guy really blows? David
Lee Roth may have sucked too, and
even more so today, but Sammy "I
Can't Drive 55" Hagar's vocals are
just terrible.
The horrendous first single, "Don't
Tell Me (What Love Can Do)" (surpris-
ingly only one of two songs with the
word 'love' in it), is one of the worst
tracks on the album. Others like "Big
Fat Money" and "Amsterdam" which
is "a quick step by the bulldog/score me
some Panama red, yeah/wham, bam,
oh Amsterdam/yea, yea, yea," suck even
more, putting Van Halen on the long list
of bands that promote marijuana. How
original!
There are a few good tracks mixed
in with the trash. "Can't Stop Lovin'
You" and "Take Me Back" return to
some of the earlier Van Halen styles,
with the beefed-up chorusing back-
ing vocals. Sammy is still annoying,
though.
"Balance" is a definite improve-
ment from "For Unlawful Carnal
Knowledge," offering a few interest-
ing cuts. I'd even go as far to disagree
with Chris, and choose to listen to
Van Halen over an having an enema.
-Brian A. Gnatt
The Almighty RSO
Revenge of Da Badd Boyz
RCA Records
Don't you hate it when you're lis-
tening to a rap cut with some dope beats
but some of the most wack lyrics you've
ever heard? You're trying to focus on
See RECORDS, page 9
'Heavyweights' may try to be politically correct, but funny it ain't.
'Heavweights' on low-joke diet
By Joshua Rich
Daily Arts Writer
The Walt Disney Company. The
motion picture studio responsible for
such classic children's movies as
"Bambi" and "Beauty and the Beast"
has always been recognized as a great
treasure chest of wholesome and fun
family entertainment. Rarely has this
organization failed to please audiences
and critics alike. Rarely has it produced
substandard movies. Rarely has it of-
fended even the most sensitive of view-
ers. But with "Heavyweights," Disney
has done all three.
Thefilm is the story of Gerry (Aaron
Schwartz) a heavy boy who is sent to
Camp Hope, a summer camp for kids
just like him. Expecting a fun time
swimming, camping and, of course,
eating, Gerry and his cohorts are
shocked to find the camp has changed
ownership. Instead of the kind and
generous Bushkins (Jerry Stiller and
Anne Meara), the new owner of the
camp is Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller).
Perkis, a fitness maniac, buys the
camp in hopes of making an
infomercial to show how his program
can make all the heavy campers thin.
Feeling imprisoned and manipulated
by their crazed owner, the boys fight
back. They plan to overthrow his
power and eventually defeat their
skinny rivals from across the lake in
the annual Apache Relay race.
From the beginning, the movie is
neither funny nor educational. The en-
tire film seeks to make fun out of not
only the physical condition of the boys,
but also the sadistic predicament in
which they find themselves. Never is it
noted that the real purpose of a camp for
fat kids is to have fun and feel normal
amongst others like them, as well as to
lose weight and feel good about dieting
and food. "Heavyweights" has no re-
Heavyweights
Directed by
Stephen Brill
with Tom McGowan
and Ben Stiller
At Showcase
deeming value; it makes a mockery out
of obesity - a serious emotional and
physical problem.
So why is it funny when the boys.
are placed on scales in front of the
entire camp and told they have
GAINED weight in the time they have
been there? What does this teach
youngsters about fat kids? That they
like eating and only eating? That they
have no self-control? I guess so.
The performances are inconsistent
and ordinary throughout. The produc-
ers of this film clearly sought children
with lots of meat on their bones instead
of acting talent in their brains. Basically
all the boys have to do is be fat, crack a
few dumb jokes (mostly fat jokes) and
eat ... and eat and eat. And there isno
question that we should feel sorry} for
them - they are used as punching bags
by a world of thin people and as whores
by a team of filmmakers who use the@
as the butt of silly and offensive jokes.
Furthermore, the movie's produc-
ers do us the politically correct favor of
casting Caucasian, African Ameriean
and Latino fat kids in the three lead
child roles. Thanks a lot ... I guess they
did not want to offend anybody!
Briefly amusing, as always, are the
short appearances by members of the
Stiller family - father Jerry, moth
Meara and son Ben - who providetf
only true comic relief in the film. Fresh
from his recurring role as Frank
Costanza on "Seinfeld," Jerry makes
the audience laugh simply by the ex-
pressions on his face, and Meara acts as
a good straight woman to his antics.
Ben ("Reality Bites"- it will bite even
more when yourcareertakesanosedive
after you star in this garbage) is also
charming in his double performance
first as the wacky Perkis and then as the
Mafioso-looking Perkis, Sr.
Nevertheless, upon exiting this
movie, the repulsed filmgoer may cer-
tainly be reminded of the many sum-
mer camp features which it resembles.
After sitting through this painful flick
we may easily remember another dis-
gustingly horrifying summer camp
movie - "Friday the 13th." Too b&
Jason never shows up to put us outoT
our misery.
U
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