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November 03, 1994 - Image 12

Resource type:
The Michigan Daily, 1994-11-03

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12 - TheMichigan Daily -- Thursday, November 3, 1994

Staffers' favorite football pros do battle in mid-year contest with differing results

Daily Sports Writer
They said that Cream Cheese was
the greatest team ever, that a finer squad
- whether it be a Dream or not - had
never existed.
However, early on in yesterday's
Pro Bowl, the Fighting Pacifists brought
themback to reality. And astheCheesers
soon found out, reality bites.
Pacifist coach Wayne Fontes re-
ceived kudos for his riverboat-gambler
approach to coaching, which won the
game for the Pacifists, 18-14.
"This game solidifies my standing
as a great coach," said Fontes at a post-
game press conference. "Right there
with Halas and Perles and all the rest."
The decision Fontes will be remem-
bered for most came with just 59 sec-
onds remaining in the contest. Tailback
Lewis Tillman had just scored from one
yard out, bringing the Fighting Pacifists
to within two. Then, the Pacifist coach
pulled out his bag of tricks.
Amidst considerable protest from
his own players and the pro-Pacifist
Aloha Stadium crowd, Fontes sent
out the Eagles' kicker to boot the
extra point. Having already missed
one PAT, he proceeded to hit the
crossbar and miss once more, leaving
many people baffled and the Pacifists
down two.
"Some call (going for one) ludi-
crous, some even call it stupid," team
owner William Clay Ford said. "You
know what I call it? Coaching."
Sensing victory, Cheese wideout
Andre Rison decided it was time for the
game playing to end and the
extracurriculars to begin. The ex-Spar-
tan started the celebration doing that
duck-walk thing that he does, but soon
things turned ugly.
While preparing to take the field for
the Pacifist kickoff, teammate Deion
Sanders caught Rison's gyrations out
of the corner of his eye. Sanders, re-
nowned for his celebratory steps, was
not amused.
"This is my house!" the two-sport
athlete insisted. "I don't care if I play for
this team or not, or if it was built 80
years before I was born.
"I won't have him dancing in my
Sanders didn't. Prime Time
sucker-punched Rison, to which the
Falcon receiver retaliated, and a re-
play of a scuffle earlier this season
ensued. Referee Don Koharski
quickly ejected the two combatants

from the sidelines.
With the two speedy stars gone and
the tide turning, Fontes told his Paci-
fists to fight.
"Fight," he said.
They must have heard that heroic
cry. As they took the field with mere
seconds remaining, the Pacifists were
out for blood. Still, without Sanders
around, the Eagles' kicker could not
angle his kick away from Cheeser Eric
Metcalf. Metcalf raced up the sidelines
and would have scored, had it not been
for Donnell Woolford's game-saving
tackle at the Pacifist 19-yard line.
By then, only 51 seconds remained,
and all seemed lost for the Pacifists,
who used all of their timeouts planning
the extra point kick a few moments
earlier. One handoff to running back
Natrone Means and it would all be over.
That's precisely what Cheese coach
Buddy Ryan had called, but the play
wasn't as automatic as thought. Steve
Young turned and handed to Natrone
Means, but the overweight and over-
rated running back fumbled upon re-
ceiving avicious hit from defensive end
Alonzo Spellman.
"Duh, maybe (Means) isn't as good
as I thought," Cheeser owner Scott
Burton said. "Huh huh."
The Pacifists took over at their own
22, needing a miracle. Fortunately, they
had a miracle worker sitting on the
sidelines, donning a Bronco helmet.
Quarterback John Elway took over
the helm and the game with it. With
Sanders in the lockerroom, the
Cheesers were clearly unable to deal
with wideout Michael Irvin, and
Elway knew it. He tossed consecutive
28-yard passes to Irvin, moving the
ball to the Cheese 22 and the clock to
three seconds.
The ball was now well within even
the Eagle kicker's range, but Fontes
was not done gambling.
"I'm a great coach, and us great
coaches go with our best play in spots
like these," he said. "We go with our
Those who follow Lions football
know the play that butters Detroit's
bread: the draw. Murmuring expletives,
Elway handed off to Emmitt Smith,
who got behind his Steeler offensive
line and raced into the end zone.
Smith agreed it was just another
great call by a great coach.
"That was so easy," Smith said. "I
wonder what kind of running back I
could be if I played in Detroit ..."

The game described here is a matchup between Darren Everson's
(Fighting Pacifists) and Scott Burton's (Cream Cheese) midyear Alt-Pro
picks. For the sake of space, each selected only skill players, and
chose entire units for offensive line and defense.

Fighting Pacifists

Cream Cheese


Dan Marino
Emmitt Smith
Lewis Tillman
Michael Irvin
Sterling Sharpe
Chris Gedney
Pittsburgh Steelers
Chicago Bears
Dave Meggett
The Eagles' kicker*
Wayne Fontes

Steve Young
Natrone Means
Barry Sanders
Jerry Rice
Andre Rison
Shannon Sharpe
Dallas Cowboys
San Francisco 49ers
Eric Metcalf
Jason Hanson
Buddy Ryan


Secret Weapon: John Elway

Secret Weapon: Harvey Williams

*Someone from the Eagles had to play, or our editor would have fired us.

Daily Sports Writer
Some football teams just shouldn't
play each other. The games are just too
one-sided, just too cruel.
Florida State vs. Southwest Ken-
tucky Technological Institute.
Dallas Cowboys vs. Buffalo Bills..
Cream Cheese vs. Fighting Paci-
That's not to say that Darren over
there hasn't collected a fair amount of
talent on his team. Emmitt's a monster.
Marino's a gunner. And how I fear the
kicking prowess of that Eagles's kicker.
Unfortunately, Darren was seduced
into picking some mediocre talent,
namely all of the Bears on his team.
Lewis "What's forward progress?"
Tillman? Chris Gedney? Too bad Jim
Harbaugh didn't stick around the Windy
City for another year - I'm sure he
would have beaten out Marino on
Darren's squad.
Anyway, here's the top 10 reasons
my team squawked the living bajoobas
out of the Fighting Pacifists, 35-9.
Sanders and Natrone Means kept the
Bears' line off track all day.
Sanders, who this year has reestab-
lished himself as the premier running
back in the NFL, is contained for much
of the game by the Bears. But being the
play-breaking runner he is, Sanders
popped off two 50-yard touchdown runs.
Means proved to be an effective
counterpart to Sanders' rushing style.
While Sanders slashed around the Bears'
line, Means bowled right overthem. He
scored on two third-and-goal situations.
2) Steve Young picked the Bears
secondary apart.
The Bears tried an eight-man front
to stop Sanders and Means, but it only
left Rice and Rison open all day. Young
connected on a touchdown bomb with
each of his wideouts, and again found
Rison - the best red-zone receiver in
football - for a 20-yard strike.
3) Wayne Fontes isn't my coach.
4) Wayne Fontes is his coach.
5) Wayne Fontes. Enough said.
6) Primetime, Primetime.
San Francisco's Deion Sanders, the
dancing machine himself, had a field
day. He pulled a Jose Oquendo and
played every position, offense and de-
fense, for at least one down.
His game totals? One reception for
14 yards, one run for three yards, one
incomplete pass, 17 tackles and one
interception return for a touchdown.

Oh yeah, he also beat the living crap
out of Sterling Sharpe for no good rea-
son. Buddy Ryan, not coincidentally.
gave him the game ball.
7) Cream Cheese's secret weapon.
After the Pacifists learned tha
Ryan's secret weapon was a runnin
back, they figured on a Marshall Faulk
or a Thurman Thomas showing up.
Someone they could handle.
But after Cream Cheese's secret
weapon tore apart the mutilated car-
casses of the Bears defense - ripping
through holes like some demon pos-
sessed -only one thing could be heard
from under the Bears' helmets
Who was this secret weapon that
treated the Fighting Pacifists with such
cruel disregard?
Who else but Harvey Williams"?
8) Emmitt Smith gets injured.
After Fontes ran Smith 15 straight
times to begin the game, Smith humbly
mentioned that his shoulder was ailing
But being the stoic that he is, Smit
continues his noble efforts. Fonteshand.
him the ball on 1st-and-10's, 2nd-and-
13's, 3-and-27's - in fact on every
down of the first half. Then Smith's left
arm falls off his shoulder.
"It is frustrating, really, really frus-
trating," Fontes said in the locker room
between halves. "I mean, it was like on
every down, the Cream Cheese defense
somehow knew we were going to run
the ball. How did they figure me out?
"I wonder if this Tillman guy ca
move the ball for us?"
9) Lewis Tillman doesn't gain a
single (forward) yard.
Although he probably spanned about
150 yards running horizontal and back-
wards on 30 second-halfcarriesTillman
didn't manage to run the ball past the
line of scrimmage even once.
"Hey, I know I'm no Harvey Will-
iams, but it could have been worse f
the Pacifists," Tillman said. "It could
have been Tim Worley out there."
10) The Pacifist offense bent but
didn't break the 49er defense.
Marino has some success hitting
open receivers downfield. No second-
ary in the world is going to keep a wide
receiver corps of Michael Irvin and
Sterling Sharpe quiet all day.
However, the Niner defense come.
up big on three goal line stands in the
second half. The Pacifists are forced to
kick three chippy field goals that ac-
count for all of their points on the day.

Although the referees couldn't choose sides in this war, they still had fun.



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