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January 16, 1992 - Image 10

Resource type:
The Michigan Daily, 1992-01-16

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Page 2-The Michigan Daily-Weekend etc.-January 16,1992


What are ya? Chicken?

%o4L 9 r

Sometimes etiquette demands that you have to suspend all logic when
you're dealing with food.
For instance, you have probably learned the Bread Rule, which says that
you are not allowed to finish bread at the dinner table. This isn't the actual
rule, but it is the effect of the rule. What the Bread Rule says, in case you
were raised by wolves and have no manners, is that when you eat bread at
the dinner table, you must break off a piece every time you take a bite.
So let's say you are sitting at a really nice restaurant. (By "nice restau-
rant," I do not mean a restaurant with food that tastes good, like Big Boy. I
mean a restaurant which is expensive and makes you wait a long time before
they let you eat.) It has been several hours since you ordered your meal and
you begin eyeing the dinner rolls. According to the Bread Rule you have to
tear off a piece, eat it, tear off a piece, eat it, until eventually you are at-
tempting to tear individual bread molecules. Theoretically, you will never
actually finish the bread.
The only way to escape the Bread Rule dilemma is to disguise your bread
as another type of food which you don't have to tear. For instance, you can
cut your bread in half, put something in the middle, and call it a sandwich.
Or you can cover it with butter. Bread and butter is often exempt from the
Bread Rule.
The other major food rule is that you have to refer to dead animals in the
singular when you are eating them.
This question came up when I was eating bagels and lox over Christmas
Break. I remarked, "These are good lox," on the grounds that I was eating
more than one lock. My mom correctly pointed out that when you refer to
food, you refer to it in the singular. For instance, if you were eating at KFC,
you would not say, "These chickens are good." This is because the chicken at
KFC is not good. But let's assume that you were participating in a meal in-
volving several tasty chickens, all dead. You would still say, "The chicken
is good," even if you were eating thousands of chickens.
Let's examine the lifespan of some barbecued chickens. In the beginning,
the chickens are still referred to in the plural: "The chickens are in the
barn." This is followed by: "The chickens have salmonella," "The chickens
are in the slaughterhouse," "The chickens have been decapitated," "The
chickens are in the oven," and, finally, "The chicken tastes good."
When exactly do you start referring to animals in the singular?
Is it when they're dead'? No, you would still say, "The chickens have
passed away." Is it when you eat them? This is a tricky question. At the
dinner table, you would remark, "This is good chicken." But when Ozzy
Osbourne has just bitten the heads off of several chickens at a rock concert,
he would not say, "This is good chicken."; rather, he would say, "These are
good chickens."
According to Daily reporter and grammatical expert Rob Patton, the
tense changes "When the chickens lose their individual chickenness -
when you begin looking at them as a mass of food rather than as individual
This definition seems to work pretty well, until you consider Chicken
MQNuggets. This is food which has clearly lost its individual chickenness,
if it ever had it in the first place, yet is still referred to in the plural. And
what about chicken sandwiches which are made from multiple chickens?
That would probably be covered by the Bread Rule.

A Fashion Tip for the Hip who want to be hot to trot or
how to stand out in the Ann Arbor winter of discontent:
Wear fluorescent ear muffs. Sock puppets work great as mittens.
A fanny-pack around a bulky down coat will insure that your
workouts are not waisted.
Wrap yourself in an electric blanket (bring it to class, find a desk by
an outlet).
Comfort and environmentalism are important to all of us, so
Birkenstocks with four pairs of wool socks should do the trick.
Positive visualization works in Cali, why not in the Midwest? Carry
a beach ball, sandy pail and shovel.
Put on your sombrero and chomp on some red hots, chili peppers, hot
tamales, salsa and if that doesn't work, try a flask of tequila.
Wear your bathrobe - you'll be able to sleep late and save time
dressing, and you'll retain that cosy feeling, even when you're sitting in
that frigid Thermodynamics lecture.
Make-up should accentuate the natural - wear blue lipstick, apply
red blush to nose tip and add eye drops for the latest "teary look.."
Be late to class - throw on your lycra and rubber soles and sprint.
The running will keep you warm.
Have vigorous sex. (OK, so it's not exactly a fashion tip.)

-'' = r r
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"Bring me Shamir," screamed a
woman asshe tore off her dress
aboard a crowded Berlin-Tel-Aviv
flight. Fellow passengers said she
wore nothing under her dress and bit
a crew member who tried to control
her. When taken into custody by po-
lice she supposedly danced and
skipped all the way to the station.
A Baltimore woman fell down a
garbage chute while trying to re-
trieve her false teeth. Sandy Lifesy
fell in from the 11th floor access to
the chute and was not discovered un-
til a neighbor opened the chute on
his floor to dump trash. Lifesy suf-
fered no injuries and never did find
her teeth.


-Margo Baumgart

"W r?'irtO Nogk4Where


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How well do you know University grad and famous
director Lawrence Kasdan? Be among the first to
answer these trivia questions correctly and win an
official 1-sheet poster or T-shirt from his latest film,
Grand Canyon, while supplies last:
1. What was the first film Kasdan directed?
2. For which John Belushi film did Kasdan write the
3. Who played the corpse in The Big Chil?
Drop your answers off at the Daily, or mail them to:
Weekend etc. Trivia
420 Maynard
Ann Arbor 48109
Be sure to include your name & phone number.
Winners will be contacted by phone.









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