*I Page 2-The Michigan Daily-Weekend etc.-January 16,1992 Jonathan Chait What are ya? Chicken? %o4L 9 r Sometimes etiquette demands that you have to suspend all logic when you're dealing with food. For instance, you have probably learned the Bread Rule, which says that you are not allowed to finish bread at the dinner table. This isn't the actual rule, but it is the effect of the rule. What the Bread Rule says, in case you were raised by wolves and have no manners, is that when you eat bread at the dinner table, you must break off a piece every time you take a bite. So let's say you are sitting at a really nice restaurant. (By "nice restau- rant," I do not mean a restaurant with food that tastes good, like Big Boy. I mean a restaurant which is expensive and makes you wait a long time before they let you eat.) It has been several hours since you ordered your meal and you begin eyeing the dinner rolls. According to the Bread Rule you have to tear off a piece, eat it, tear off a piece, eat it, until eventually you are at- tempting to tear individual bread molecules. Theoretically, you will never actually finish the bread. The only way to escape the Bread Rule dilemma is to disguise your bread as another type of food which you don't have to tear. For instance, you can cut your bread in half, put something in the middle, and call it a sandwich. Or you can cover it with butter. Bread and butter is often exempt from the Bread Rule. The other major food rule is that you have to refer to dead animals in the singular when you are eating them. This question came up when I was eating bagels and lox over Christmas Break. I remarked, "These are good lox," on the grounds that I was eating more than one lock. My mom correctly pointed out that when you refer to food, you refer to it in the singular. For instance, if you were eating at KFC, you would not say, "These chickens are good." This is because the chicken at KFC is not good. But let's assume that you were participating in a meal in- volving several tasty chickens, all dead. You would still say, "The chicken is good," even if you were eating thousands of chickens. Let's examine the lifespan of some barbecued chickens. In the beginning, the chickens are still referred to in the plural: "The chickens are in the barn." This is followed by: "The chickens have salmonella," "The chickens are in the slaughterhouse," "The chickens have been decapitated," "The chickens are in the oven," and, finally, "The chicken tastes good." When exactly do you start referring to animals in the singular? Is it when they're dead'? No, you would still say, "The chickens have passed away." Is it when you eat them? This is a tricky question. At the dinner table, you would remark, "This is good chicken." But when Ozzy Osbourne has just bitten the heads off of several chickens at a rock concert, he would not say, "This is good chicken."; rather, he would say, "These are good chickens." According to Daily reporter and grammatical expert Rob Patton, the tense changes "When the chickens lose their individual chickenness - when you begin looking at them as a mass of food rather than as individual chickens." This definition seems to work pretty well, until you consider Chicken MQNuggets. This is food which has clearly lost its individual chickenness, if it ever had it in the first place, yet is still referred to in the plural. And what about chicken sandwiches which are made from multiple chickens? That would probably be covered by the Bread Rule. A Fashion Tip for the Hip who want to be hot to trot or how to stand out in the Ann Arbor winter of discontent: Wear fluorescent ear muffs. Sock puppets work great as mittens. A fanny-pack around a bulky down coat will insure that your workouts are not waisted. Wrap yourself in an electric blanket (bring it to class, find a desk by an outlet). Comfort and environmentalism are important to all of us, so Birkenstocks with four pairs of wool socks should do the trick. Positive visualization works in Cali, why not in the Midwest? Carry a beach ball, sandy pail and shovel. Put on your sombrero and chomp on some red hots, chili peppers, hot tamales, salsa and if that doesn't work, try a flask of tequila. Wear your bathrobe - you'll be able to sleep late and save time dressing, and you'll retain that cosy feeling, even when you're sitting in that frigid Thermodynamics lecture. Make-up should accentuate the natural - wear blue lipstick, apply red blush to nose tip and add eye drops for the latest "teary look.." Be late to class - throw on your lycra and rubber soles and sprint. The running will keep you warm. Have vigorous sex. (OK, so it's not exactly a fashion tip.) .m . -'' = r r 'r r ,,,,_.,,\ ;,,. " .-- 00 1 NEWS toR by "Bring me Shamir," screamed a woman asshe tore off her dress aboard a crowded Berlin-Tel-Aviv flight. Fellow passengers said she wore nothing under her dress and bit a crew member who tried to control her. When taken into custody by po- lice she supposedly danced and skipped all the way to the station. A Baltimore woman fell down a garbage chute while trying to re- trieve her false teeth. Sandy Lifesy fell in from the 11th floor access to the chute and was not discovered un- til a neighbor opened the chute on his floor to dump trash. Lifesy suf- fered no injuries and never did find her teeth. 01 -Margo Baumgart "W r?'irtO Nogk4Where 6L"ToS'ILWo01-It 1A 1 QCo , 1UA G~ h'hle h Q0, ~'C l t -Z"W S Yc, . -TIT /Q I ANSWER TRIVIAL QUESTIONS, WIN SOME LOOT! How well do you know University grad and famous director Lawrence Kasdan? Be among the first to answer these trivia questions correctly and win an official 1-sheet poster or T-shirt from his latest film, Grand Canyon, while supplies last: 1. What was the first film Kasdan directed? 2. For which John Belushi film did Kasdan write the screenplay? 3. Who played the corpse in The Big Chil? Drop your answers off at the Daily, or mail them to: Weekend etc. Trivia 420 Maynard Ann Arbor 48109 Be sure to include your name & phone number. Winners will be contacted by phone. I.J 6" 1wD wiing and Drinking Sze-wCbaap West " Cocktails " Dining : Carry Out + Luncheon " Specials SZECHUAN - HUNAN - MANDARIN Hours: M-Th, 11:30-10; F, 11:30-11 Sat., Noon-11 pm; Sun., Noon-10 pm Happy Hour: 4-7, M-Th 2161 W. Stadium (East of Liberty) Ann Arbor " 769-5722 1100 E. Catherine at Glen - 761-8996 Open 6 a.m. - 4 p.m. weekdays 6 a.m. - 3 p.m. Sat., 7 a.m. - 2 p.m. Sun. Serving breakfast and lunch all day. Featuring homemade raisin bread Favorites for over 30 years. THANO'S LAMPLIGHTER -421 East Liberty 2(1block west of State) 665-7003 Sicilian Pizza our Specialty Beer, Wine, and Liquor Open 7 Days til 2:00 A.M. GARDEN Szechuan, Hunan, and Peking cuisine Delivery, take-out, dine-in, cocktails, and Sunday buffet Hrs: Mon.-Thur., 11:30 am -10 pm Fri., 11:30 am -11 pm Sat.,:'noon -11 pm Sun., noon -10pm 3035 Wash tenaw Ave., " 971-0970 Chinese Restaurant Mandarin, Szechuan, and Hunan Specialties. Exotic Drinks, Full Bar. Carry out, Quick Lunch Special, Sunday Brunch. Open 7 days a week. 3535 Plymouth Rd.-665-3591 4905 Washenaw Ave.-434-7978 Students Welcome Custom Sandwiches, Italian Sausages, Mediterranean Cuisine, Fresh Salads, Fresh Pastries, Fresh Fruit Drinks, Plus Much More! Dine-In, Carry-Out, or Catering 715 N. UNIVERSITY - 663-0069 't~ro's Italian Restaurant Homemade Pastas & Pizza 665-04449 Take Out 300 Detroit St. at Catherine (across from Farmer's Market) k od CHEF JAN is the TOP GOLD MEDAL WINNER of Detroit Cobo Hall National Contest CHEF JAN is the "Best Chef Award" winner, Washington, DC 1201 S. University * 668-2445 Great Chinese food DELIVERED fast & fresh! b a , G A P-1 Have you tried a new restaurant lately? PARTHENON 3 et aur uit kana 114 KOREAN CUMSII "Best Komen Restaurant in Town" II- I I I I I I i I n' I