Page 2-The Michigan Daily-Weekend etc.- March 19, 1992
Smurf off and die
S enators Bob Dole and Jesse Helms have launched a campaign to cut federal
funding for public television, stating that it has a liberal slant and is
corrupting the values of our nation. Their prime example of this bias is a PBS
documentary about gay Black men.
I think Bob and Jesse are right to try and clean this filth off the airwaves.
Yet I don't see how a documentary about an overlooked segment of our
population is necessarily corrupting. This is not to suggest that bigotry is a
factor - I'm sure that some of Jesse Helms' best friends are gay Black men.
Still, it's a good thing that somebody is doing something about the filth that
pervades our airwaves. In addition to the aforementioned documentary, PBS
also promotes perverted shows like Sesame Street, with skits featuring "Bert
and Ernie," two grown men who live together (!) and express their phallic
fixations by stealing one another's noses.
Perhaps Bob and Jesse can save this generation of children from being
exposed to such depravity. I know that our generation has already been lost.
We grew up watching "The Smurfs," which portrayed a large family (they
all had the same last name - "Smurf") of incestuous forest dwellers who had
become tiny and blue due to genetic defects resulting from years of inbreeding.
The Smurfs were all young boys except for their patriarch, Papa Smurf, and his
concubine, Smurfette, the only female in the community. Although we never
actually saw the Smurfs engaging in sex, a few of them displayed an unhealthy
Oedipal obsession with Smurfette, while the rest were simply shown skipping
off into the forest, hand in hand, while humming the Smurf Theme in soprano.
If I had any moral fiber left whatsoever after years of exposure to the
Smurfs, it was completely destroyed when I arrived at college and was exposed
to residence hall-sponsored pornography films. Actually, they were anti-
pornography films. An anti-pornography film is basically a porn movie in
which the soundtrack, which mainly consists of moaning anyway, has been
replaced with a woman's voice explaining how this is all filthy smut which
should be banned. The guys on my hall would always attend the anti-
pornography films in the hall lounge and make sensitive comments such as:
"Boy, this scene is just really, really degrading to women."
"Wow! Is this scene degrading to women! Especially the part with the
"Let's take another look at that last scene."
If they ever manage to ban pornography, all the men who used to watch it
will just start renting anti-pornography films and turning down the volume.
But in the meantime, we can try to fight the Objectification Of Women right
here on campus. I personally witnessed an example of this last year when three
women saw a poster advertising a wet T-shirt contest. They stared at the poster
incredulously, unable to believe that such a thing could happen in this day and
age. They discussed staging a protest of the event, until one of them exclaimed:
"Wait a second - this is a wet T-shirt contest with men!"
"Oh wow! When is it?"
I started laughing, but none of them seemed to recognize the irony. The
thing is, both the women at the poster and Jesse Helms would spit in your face
if you suggested that their mentalities, the way they react to concepts which
bother them, is essentially the same. But it really is.
Wt~ dof C3rC &bout (onr, We don't weal-g1Dares
So you wanna be a punk rocker? Well piss off, wanker. The best you can
do is look like one. Here's how:
1. Rip, burn, tear or hack holes in every article of clothing that you own,
preferably while you're wearing said articles. If you mutilate yourself in
the process, even better.
2. Break a bottle and carve your significant other's name into your chest.
Or carve your name into your significant other's chest. If you don't have
an other, SUCK ME OFF or SID LIVES will do just fine.
3. Spiked hair is a necessity, but throw out that mousse shit. Rubber ce-
ment lasts longer. If you insist on short locks, shave your head completely.
Tattoo FUCK YOU on your forehead.
4. For vamps only: BLACK lipstick, nail polish, eyeliner are all important,
as is lotsa white stuff for the face. The kohl should be applied in quarter
sized rings around the eyes. Don't hold back, ever.
5. And speaking of which, wear your hickeys freely and with pride. Es-
pecially if they're in unusual places. Acne, track marks, and lip herpes are
nothing to be ashamed of. Live fast, die young, leave a mess behind you.
6. Silver (tin, cast iron) rings are the required accessory. These should dan-
gle cunningly from your leather bondage bracelet as well as your nose,
cheeks, nipples, tongue, genitals ... oh, and ears too. If you can't afford the
rings, mum's sewing basket should have plenty of safety pins.
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Pt PAIR of SHO~R'&.
t o NT MAC ELUNCH--.(K.oF~
Jesus Wishes He Could Play Guitar
Jesus wishes he could play guitar.
Got the hair to be a metal star.
Cigarette in hand to sing his psalms,
Strumming hard and bleeding through the palms. \
Studded leather jacket, wiry beard;
Frightened mothers say he looks too weird.
Autographing bibles for his fans,
Smeared with blood that's dripping from his hands.
Jimi Hendrix tattooed on his chest
(Long since laid his crucifix to rest).
Arms raised high, imploring in his stance:
"Everybody off your cross and dance!"
- skot beal
For more blasphemy, see The Music Box on page 5
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