Page 2-The Michigan Daily-Weekend etc.- March 19, 1992 I I Jonathan Chait Smurf off and die S enators Bob Dole and Jesse Helms have launched a campaign to cut federal funding for public television, stating that it has a liberal slant and is corrupting the values of our nation. Their prime example of this bias is a PBS documentary about gay Black men. I think Bob and Jesse are right to try and clean this filth off the airwaves. Yet I don't see how a documentary about an overlooked segment of our population is necessarily corrupting. This is not to suggest that bigotry is a factor - I'm sure that some of Jesse Helms' best friends are gay Black men. Still, it's a good thing that somebody is doing something about the filth that pervades our airwaves. In addition to the aforementioned documentary, PBS also promotes perverted shows like Sesame Street, with skits featuring "Bert and Ernie," two grown men who live together (!) and express their phallic fixations by stealing one another's noses. Perhaps Bob and Jesse can save this generation of children from being exposed to such depravity. I know that our generation has already been lost. We grew up watching "The Smurfs," which portrayed a large family (they all had the same last name - "Smurf") of incestuous forest dwellers who had become tiny and blue due to genetic defects resulting from years of inbreeding. The Smurfs were all young boys except for their patriarch, Papa Smurf, and his concubine, Smurfette, the only female in the community. Although we never actually saw the Smurfs engaging in sex, a few of them displayed an unhealthy Oedipal obsession with Smurfette, while the rest were simply shown skipping off into the forest, hand in hand, while humming the Smurf Theme in soprano. If I had any moral fiber left whatsoever after years of exposure to the Smurfs, it was completely destroyed when I arrived at college and was exposed to residence hall-sponsored pornography films. Actually, they were anti- pornography films. An anti-pornography film is basically a porn movie in which the soundtrack, which mainly consists of moaning anyway, has been replaced with a woman's voice explaining how this is all filthy smut which should be banned. The guys on my hall would always attend the anti- pornography films in the hall lounge and make sensitive comments such as: "Boy, this scene is just really, really degrading to women." "Wow! Is this scene degrading to women! Especially the part with the whipped cream." And: "Let's take another look at that last scene." If they ever manage to ban pornography, all the men who used to watch it will just start renting anti-pornography films and turning down the volume. But in the meantime, we can try to fight the Objectification Of Women right here on campus. I personally witnessed an example of this last year when three women saw a poster advertising a wet T-shirt contest. They stared at the poster incredulously, unable to believe that such a thing could happen in this day and age. They discussed staging a protest of the event, until one of them exclaimed: "Wait a second - this is a wet T-shirt contest with men!" "Oh wow! When is it?" "Let's go!" I started laughing, but none of them seemed to recognize the irony. The thing is, both the women at the poster and Jesse Helms would spit in your face if you suggested that their mentalities, the way they react to concepts which bother them, is essentially the same. But it really is. Wt~ dof C3rC &bout (onr, We don't weal-g1Dares So you wanna be a punk rocker? Well piss off, wanker. The best you can do is look like one. Here's how: 1. Rip, burn, tear or hack holes in every article of clothing that you own, preferably while you're wearing said articles. If you mutilate yourself in the process, even better. 2. Break a bottle and carve your significant other's name into your chest. Or carve your name into your significant other's chest. If you don't have an other, SUCK ME OFF or SID LIVES will do just fine. 3. Spiked hair is a necessity, but throw out that mousse shit. Rubber ce- ment lasts longer. If you insist on short locks, shave your head completely. Tattoo FUCK YOU on your forehead. 4. For vamps only: BLACK lipstick, nail polish, eyeliner are all important, as is lotsa white stuff for the face. The kohl should be applied in quarter sized rings around the eyes. Don't hold back, ever. 5. And speaking of which, wear your hickeys freely and with pride. Es- pecially if they're in unusual places. Acne, track marks, and lip herpes are nothing to be ashamed of. Live fast, die young, leave a mess behind you. 6. Silver (tin, cast iron) rings are the required accessory. These should dan- gle cunningly from your leather bondage bracelet as well as your nose, cheeks, nipples, tongue, genitals ... oh, and ears too. If you can't afford the rings, mum's sewing basket should have plenty of safety pins. r$ -/ -I ' SonC 0 0 .T1". .Ytz: '' rjoWltie're byTSh. Worth= (5~~ ~ of t14# SEAND ~1F-PBULL-IF45/ TW.AT £DOEStr... « G WE. YOU o04 EAH ? YOU AND~ TlL i FINIlSH jT4E ALPI4A(ET WH-r PIor1 COMA4T'E? WIHY Da NT yOU 'TAALONG\ AK WALK< ON T)4E ACR, j.. .1N MK Pt PAIR of SHO~R'&. t o NT MAC ELUNCH--.(K.oF~ My)IMOMDOE.S. ..?UHo!TEC.R - i Jesus Wishes He Could Play Guitar Jesus wishes he could play guitar. Got the hair to be a metal star. Cigarette in hand to sing his psalms, Strumming hard and bleeding through the palms. \ Studded leather jacket, wiry beard; Frightened mothers say he looks too weird. Autographing bibles for his fans, Smeared with blood that's dripping from his hands. Jimi Hendrix tattooed on his chest (Long since laid his crucifix to rest). Arms raised high, imploring in his stance: "Everybody off your cross and dance!" - skot beal For more blasphemy, see The Music Box on page 5 WEEKENDs ta f r f Weekend etc. editor Arts editors Weekend news editor Julie Komorn Elizabeth Lenhard Lar/Barager Michael John Wilson r r s Graphics Art Production Erin Einhom Jonathan Higgins Kristen McMurphy Contributors Alissa Straus Carina Bacon, Skot Beal, Melissa Rose Bernardo, Mark Binelli, Andy Cahn, Jon Chait Tony Croll, Diane Frieden, Forrest Green l, Jessie HalladayStephen Henderson, Dan Poux Annette Petruso, Valerie Shuman, Joe Smith, Josh Worth y ss i I' _______-____________ 0 I r DI r 1 J 7 y ya.. ._ 1 - i 1 J fining and Drinking Sze-CIbat W est -Cocktails WesL - Dining --arry Out + Luncheon + Specials SZECHUAN - HUNAN - MANDARIN Hours: M-Th, 11:30-10; F, 11:30-11 Sat., Noon-11 pm; Sun., Noon-10 pm Happy Hour: 4-7, M-Th 2161 W. 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