Entre Plus: Money for Nothing
I refuse to go through the
hassle of paying bills for the
rest of my life. I can't
understand them anyway.
They're filled with dozens of
numbers, and I can never
figure out which number
represents the amount of
money I have to pay. So to
heck with it. By the time I
JONATHAN graduate, I plan to pay for my
CHAIT food, car, house, etc. with
All things considered,
Entr6e Plus is far superior to paying with real money.
Real money you have to earn or beg from your parents.
Entr6e Plus, however, is free. Manna from heaven.
As of now, you can use Entr6e Plus to purchase meals,
books, junk food, laundry service, and clothing.
Eventually, we will reach the point where everything can
be bought with Entr6e Plus. You will never need to carry
cash again. Even muggers will be equipped to accept
With credit, on the other hand, you face constant
harassment. If you purchase something with your card,
you risk provoking the credit card company. Once they
become angry with you, they will send a barrage of
indecipherable and vaguely threatening notices to your
These notices all convey the message that the credit
card company is extremely upset with you, but they don't
come out and say exactly what it is you have to do to
I first used a credit card last fall. At first nothing
seemed to happen. I thought that maybe it was like
Entrde Plus. Oh, I received some harmless-looking pieces
of paper in the mail, but they were filled with numbers
and didn't seem to say much. I tossed them into a desk
drawer and threw them out later.
But after a while, the notices came more and more
frequently, and they seemed angrier and angrier. So I
went to Comerica, thinking that such a well-established
financial institution would know how to sate the credit
company's anger. I asked the tellers how much money it
would take to appease the credit company, and they
didn't know either. So I randomly picked one of the
numbers on the bill and paid them that amount.
But this failed to satisfy the credit company. They sent
me even more notices, and despite the fact that I was now
going to-the bank almost every day, paying random
amounts of money, this seemed to only egg them on.
So I've given up trying to pay off my bills. I figure that
if the credit company wants my money badly enough,
they'll come over and try to collect it personally. My new
motto is, "Don't pay up until Vito comes to the door."
Granted, this technique has its drawbacks in terms of poor
credit rating and broken kneecaps. But you never have to
leave the comfort of your home, and you don't have to pay
attention to threatening notices.
The other purchasing option is the bank card, which is
sort of a combination between credit cards and Entr6e
Plus. Like Entr6e Plus, it has the benefit of using
imaginary money. The drawback is that the machine also
gives you confusing pieces of paper when you use it, but
I've been able to throw them away immediately,
bypassing the desk intermediary, and there have been no
negative repercussions so far.
Comerica also gives you a little propaganda message
while you wait for your money. It flashes these messages
by pretty quick, so it sinks into your mind without you
consciously realizing it. "Comerica has been rated
'outstanding' by the Federal Reserve for its community
reinvestment activities," is the usual one. I imagine that
sometimes it also flashes messages such as: "Comerica is
your friend," "Comerica is looking out for everybody's
best interests," or "Comerica should be running the
country, because they are the only ones you can trust."
I sincerely hope that none of these messages are
sinking in. We wouldn't run this risk, of course, if
everybody converted to Entrde Plus. The entire economy
would prosper, in fact. Since everyone would no longer be
spending their own money, using instead imaginary
money that their parents put in the computer network,
they would have no hesitation about making large
purchases. The whole nation would be out buying
mansions and luxury cars. We'd be out of the recession in
You should immediately write to the president and
suggest that we convert the nation over to Entrde Plus. I
would do it myself, except I can't right this moment. I
have this strange urge to go give money to Comerica.
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WEEKEND .Page 8