0 0 Entre Plus: Money for Nothing I refuse to go through the hassle of paying bills for the rest of my life. I can't understand them anyway. They're filled with dozens of numbers, and I can never figure out which number represents the amount of money I have to pay. So to heck with it. By the time I JONATHAN graduate, I plan to pay for my CHAIT food, car, house, etc. with Entr6e Plus. All things considered, Entr6e Plus is far superior to paying with real money. Real money you have to earn or beg from your parents. Entr6e Plus, however, is free. Manna from heaven. As of now, you can use Entr6e Plus to purchase meals, books, junk food, laundry service, and clothing. Eventually, we will reach the point where everything can be bought with Entr6e Plus. You will never need to carry cash again. Even muggers will be equipped to accept Entrde Plus. With credit, on the other hand, you face constant harassment. If you purchase something with your card, you risk provoking the credit card company. Once they become angry with you, they will send a barrage of indecipherable and vaguely threatening notices to your room. These notices all convey the message that the credit card company is extremely upset with you, but they don't come out and say exactly what it is you have to do to satisfy them. I first used a credit card last fall. At first nothing seemed to happen. I thought that maybe it was like Entrde Plus. Oh, I received some harmless-looking pieces of paper in the mail, but they were filled with numbers and didn't seem to say much. I tossed them into a desk drawer and threw them out later. But after a while, the notices came more and more frequently, and they seemed angrier and angrier. So I went to Comerica, thinking that such a well-established financial institution would know how to sate the credit company's anger. I asked the tellers how much money it would take to appease the credit company, and they didn't know either. So I randomly picked one of the numbers on the bill and paid them that amount. But this failed to satisfy the credit company. They sent me even more notices, and despite the fact that I was now going to-the bank almost every day, paying random amounts of money, this seemed to only egg them on. So I've given up trying to pay off my bills. I figure that if the credit company wants my money badly enough, they'll come over and try to collect it personally. My new motto is, "Don't pay up until Vito comes to the door." Granted, this technique has its drawbacks in terms of poor credit rating and broken kneecaps. But you never have to leave the comfort of your home, and you don't have to pay attention to threatening notices. The other purchasing option is the bank card, which is sort of a combination between credit cards and Entr6e Plus. Like Entr6e Plus, it has the benefit of using imaginary money. The drawback is that the machine also gives you confusing pieces of paper when you use it, but I've been able to throw them away immediately, bypassing the desk intermediary, and there have been no negative repercussions so far. Comerica also gives you a little propaganda message while you wait for your money. It flashes these messages by pretty quick, so it sinks into your mind without you consciously realizing it. "Comerica has been rated 'outstanding' by the Federal Reserve for its community reinvestment activities," is the usual one. I imagine that sometimes it also flashes messages such as: "Comerica is your friend," "Comerica is looking out for everybody's best interests," or "Comerica should be running the country, because they are the only ones you can trust." I sincerely hope that none of these messages are sinking in. We wouldn't run this risk, of course, if everybody converted to Entrde Plus. The entire economy would prosper, in fact. Since everyone would no longer be spending their own money, using instead imaginary money that their parents put in the computer network, they would have no hesitation about making large purchases. The whole nation would be out buying mansions and luxury cars. We'd be out of the recession in no time. You should immediately write to the president and suggest that we convert the nation over to Entrde Plus. I would do it myself, except I can't right this moment. I have this strange urge to go give money to Comerica. "THE BEST RADE YET FOR THE SEMacWEEK I ~1 Pr ( Me_____I fna )