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September 27, 1991 - Image 3

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Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 1991-09-27

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90

0

A Threat to the North

We now have our justification.
It's time to invade Canada. Attack
them before they attack us.
This has been a sentiment of
mine for a long time now. I'm still
seething from our humiliating
defeat at the hands of British
Canada during the War of 1812.
Some of you wimpy, disloyal
Canadian sympathizers may feel
that after 179years (156 in
ONA ThAN Canadian years), we should let
bygones be bygones. Myself, I
prefer to seeth.
And why shouldn't I? The
Europeans were always seething about losing wars. When you
read the history-textbooks, they say things like, "Frane, of course,
wasstillsadingabuthavinglatA -Lorraineto Genanyfory
yarAfor, wm n heGermansnwporeditfravings ilabut
havingkWtttFraw in 1735. Ormaybe Atm sAustria. Butey
wardi ysaing."In any case, you got the impression that the
French would wake up every day and say, "Damn! If only we
had Alsace-Lorraine!" This was a sufficient reason to attack.
So I have been harboring this deep resentment against

Canada for a while, just waiting for an incident to touch off a war.
And now we have our incident: the Canadian Football League is
expanding to the United States. A franchise is scheduled to open
in Portland in 1992.
Don't get me wrong, I love football. I can be entertained by,
watching any football game. I would watch three guys named Ed
play touch football on their lawn.
I will not watch Canadian football.
Canadian football is a bastardized version of real football, with
12 players and only three downs and enormously long, wide
fields. For Canadians to force their deranged mutated sport upon
us is nothing less than cultural imperialism. It's time to attack.
Now I realize that some of you may have serious philosophical
objections to launching a surprise attack on a nation which we
have been at peace with for 179 years. For instance, what are we
going to do with all the Canadians once we have crushed their
military like a mosquito?
We certainly couldn't let them become full-fledged citizens.'
They would contaminate our economy with their worthless fake
currency. Furthermore, they would demand that our public
schools teach in Canadian as well as English. Our children would
come home from school and ask, "What's for dinner, eh?" And
we would be forced to beat them.
So we won't be able to extend citizenship to Canadians.

Instead, they will be allowed to renounce all allegiance to the
metric system, the Toronto Blue Jays, and all things Canadian,
and allowed to stay as nonvoting resident aliens. Anyone who
refuses, or is later caught practising Canadian culture -for
instance, using the word "hoser" -would be deported to prison
camps in the barren northem Canadian wasteland. Don't worry,
they won't protest. They're Canadians.
Another argument against invading is that we have nothing to
gain by annexing Canada. I could not disagree more. Take
Windsor, for instance It's against our national interest to have our
entire strip bar supply in the hands of an unreliable foreign power,
which could cut them off at any time, leaving fratemity members
with nowhere to celebrate their 19th birthdays. As long as
Windsor remains under foreign control, we are at Canada's mercy.
Finally, invading Canada would improve the United States'
standing within the intemational community. We could keep all
the other nations on their toes. They would have no idea aho we
would invade next. We wouldn't even know.
So if we wanted to use French airspace to bomb Libya again,
they wouldn't dare object, for fear that we would re-invade
Normandy. And maybe even keep Alsace-Lorraine.
Jonaha Chaiti anLS&A sophomore, so itshouldweasno
supriseattai coAmn isopshomoric. Nex tyrhis cojmwn wi/
%uiowrc, and en styritwid m ioric, andwenujwritwllb
soionic, and* nw rwitll/ksviornc...
by benjamin holcomb

roger's thesaurus

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YOU'RE. LATE. FOR CLAss, IDq.
REPO-RT O THE 'RNCVALS
OFFIC._IMIATE4./__

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Pink, Maize and Blue (cover story)
A close look at Michigan's lesbian and gay community.See Page 6
Foreign Focus: Columbia
Daily editor Donna Woodwell recounts experiences from her summer sojourn
in Bogota and neighboring regions of Columbia.See Page 4.
Breakfast Like it Oughta Be
You really shouldn't forsake breakfast. It's not as big a hassle as you may think
Food consultant Andrew Levy tells you why. See Page &
The Weird
The latest installment of Antonio Roque's secret history of the University looks
at individuality, trendiness and surgical knives. See Page 9.
Also:
Columns
Jonathan Chait makes the case for annexing Canada, while Jesse Walker
manages to be rambling and meditative at the same time.
Cartoons
In addition to regular features "Tram to Nowhere" and "Roger's Thesaurus,"
this week's Weekend premieres the "Sunday" edition of Judd Winick's "Nuts
and Bolts."
The Weekend List
Friday through Thursday, the List won't let you miss an event in Ann Arbor.
Cover photo in ugper-right by Anthony Crol.
Other two photos are from the Daily archives.

All I Ever Real
Needed to Knoi
Learned in Car
The fall of Communism a
summer had been going on f
seemed nothing for reporters
coup came along. Nothing, n
Then, out of nowhere, can
Union. A putsch. That's the w
Coups are a dime a dozen, bi
since 1923. For the first time
printed a word the average th
Instantly, we knew somethir
JESSE It is a journalistic principl
WALKER is always up. It's just that,un
along, the only thing up was
Never mind the Yugoslavian
African secret funds, or the qualifications of Clarence T
the media, until that Soviet coup came bouncing down 1
normal sexual practices of Paul Reubens and the definit
Milwaukee murderer-cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer. Where o
were tainted by the dominant stories of the day. Was it 1
was caught masturbating in a Serbian tank? Did the gov
admit to secretly funding anti-ANC porno films? Soon th
in upon themselves, and there were rumors of Jeffrey D
exposing Pee Wee Herman's penis in a Florida movie th
None of these rumors were stated out loud, of course
under the surface, a confused, surreal fusion of everythi:
unconscious of the American public. Even as civil war to
watch Paul Tsongas wander around in his bathing suit fo
SPAN. I started to switch the television back and forth n
and MTV, absorbing the zeitgeist of the era. The next c
spiritual illumination, and attacked my menial office tas
And then came the Soviet coup.
We all have our own theories as to what will happen
Continuing secession and devolution into a completely
Ongoing civil war and destruction? A puppet r6gime cor
Community? Boris Yeltsin masturbating in an adult mov
everybody is interested. And so, at last, a worthy story b
once more.
It's all quite interesting to me. I used to joke about th
becoming freer than the United States, but I never thou
To my knowledge, the only person to have ever predict
Barry Goldwater, and I doubt he ever really believed it c
went ahead and happened anyway, without regard for co
conventional wisdom.
I went back to the newspapers, in search of the sort c
makes events like this comprehensible. But they were s
Fulghum's "All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learn
considered writing my own version:
All I ever really needed to know I learned in Cambodia. Dace
the Khmer Rouge pyramidbut we all knew our place. And we al
Share.
If they won't share, send 'em off to a work camp.
Crush theirskulls.
I didn't finish it, though. It was too cynical, and the j
Besides, the summer is over. Jokes are out; news is ii
Herman; hello, Clarence Thomas. It's autumn, the seas

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Weekend Editor-Gil Renberg
Weekend Associate Editor-Jesse Walker
Editodal Assistants-Jonathan Chait, Matt Pulliam
Staff-Lisa Bean, Scott Chupack, Andrew Levy, Craig Linne, Daniel Poux, Antonio Roque
Special Sections Coordinator-Beth Halverson
Sales Manager-April Rassa
Assistant Sales Manager-Shannon Burke
Weekend is published by The Michigan Daily almost'every Friday. Copyright 1991. All rights reserved. In order to
reproduce something from Weekend, mail us 12 proofs of purchase and your father's Visa card number. Don't forget the
expiration date. Items for the Weekend List must be-submitted at the latest by the Friday before publication. List
submissions and letters can be dropped off at the Daily or mailed to us at:
Weekend
420 Maynard Street
Ann Arbor, MI 48109.-

J
to
g

lonathan Chait, who heretofore was wont to roam this page, A
o the rear of this esteemed publication. Jesse the Usurper won
'ods themselves ran and took cover.

60wk.

* - . -- - fs -

September 27, 1991k

wi r

Pagel10

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