90 0 A Threat to the North We now have our justification. It's time to invade Canada. Attack them before they attack us. This has been a sentiment of mine for a long time now. I'm still seething from our humiliating defeat at the hands of British Canada during the War of 1812. Some of you wimpy, disloyal Canadian sympathizers may feel that after 179years (156 in ONA ThAN Canadian years), we should let bygones be bygones. Myself, I prefer to seeth. And why shouldn't I? The Europeans were always seething about losing wars. When you read the history-textbooks, they say things like, "Frane, of course, wasstillsadingabuthavinglatA -Lorraineto Genanyfory yarAfor, wm n heGermansnwporeditfravings ilabut havingkWtttFraw in 1735. Ormaybe Atm sAustria. Butey wardi ysaing."In any case, you got the impression that the French would wake up every day and say, "Damn! If only we had Alsace-Lorraine!" This was a sufficient reason to attack. So I have been harboring this deep resentment against Canada for a while, just waiting for an incident to touch off a war. And now we have our incident: the Canadian Football League is expanding to the United States. A franchise is scheduled to open in Portland in 1992. Don't get me wrong, I love football. I can be entertained by, watching any football game. I would watch three guys named Ed play touch football on their lawn. I will not watch Canadian football. Canadian football is a bastardized version of real football, with 12 players and only three downs and enormously long, wide fields. For Canadians to force their deranged mutated sport upon us is nothing less than cultural imperialism. It's time to attack. Now I realize that some of you may have serious philosophical objections to launching a surprise attack on a nation which we have been at peace with for 179 years. For instance, what are we going to do with all the Canadians once we have crushed their military like a mosquito? We certainly couldn't let them become full-fledged citizens.' They would contaminate our economy with their worthless fake currency. Furthermore, they would demand that our public schools teach in Canadian as well as English. Our children would come home from school and ask, "What's for dinner, eh?" And we would be forced to beat them. So we won't be able to extend citizenship to Canadians. Instead, they will be allowed to renounce all allegiance to the metric system, the Toronto Blue Jays, and all things Canadian, and allowed to stay as nonvoting resident aliens. Anyone who refuses, or is later caught practising Canadian culture -for instance, using the word "hoser" -would be deported to prison camps in the barren northem Canadian wasteland. Don't worry, they won't protest. They're Canadians. Another argument against invading is that we have nothing to gain by annexing Canada. I could not disagree more. Take Windsor, for instance It's against our national interest to have our entire strip bar supply in the hands of an unreliable foreign power, which could cut them off at any time, leaving fratemity members with nowhere to celebrate their 19th birthdays. As long as Windsor remains under foreign control, we are at Canada's mercy. Finally, invading Canada would improve the United States' standing within the intemational community. We could keep all the other nations on their toes. They would have no idea aho we would invade next. We wouldn't even know. So if we wanted to use French airspace to bomb Libya again, they wouldn't dare object, for fear that we would re-invade Normandy. And maybe even keep Alsace-Lorraine. Jonaha Chaiti anLS&A sophomore, so itshouldweasno supriseattai coAmn isopshomoric. Nex tyrhis cojmwn wi/ %uiowrc, and en styritwid m ioric, andwenujwritwllb soionic, and* nw rwitll/ksviornc... by benjamin holcomb roger's thesaurus 11 F - - 11 l ~soo\ sI 4 YOU'RE. LATE. FOR CLAss, IDq. REPO-RT O THE 'RNCVALS OFFIC._IMIATE4./__ n-h rI p- ' y Vp ad AI nMONITOS.., 1.- COM . Pink, Maize and Blue (cover story) A close look at Michigan's lesbian and gay community.See Page 6 Foreign Focus: Columbia Daily editor Donna Woodwell recounts experiences from her summer sojourn in Bogota and neighboring regions of Columbia.See Page 4. Breakfast Like it Oughta Be You really shouldn't forsake breakfast. It's not as big a hassle as you may think Food consultant Andrew Levy tells you why. See Page & The Weird The latest installment of Antonio Roque's secret history of the University looks at individuality, trendiness and surgical knives. See Page 9. Also: Columns Jonathan Chait makes the case for annexing Canada, while Jesse Walker manages to be rambling and meditative at the same time. Cartoons In addition to regular features "Tram to Nowhere" and "Roger's Thesaurus," this week's Weekend premieres the "Sunday" edition of Judd Winick's "Nuts and Bolts." The Weekend List Friday through Thursday, the List won't let you miss an event in Ann Arbor. Cover photo in ugper-right by Anthony Crol. Other two photos are from the Daily archives. All I Ever Real Needed to Knoi Learned in Car The fall of Communism a summer had been going on f seemed nothing for reporters coup came along. Nothing, n Then, out of nowhere, can Union. A putsch. That's the w Coups are a dime a dozen, bi since 1923. For the first time printed a word the average th Instantly, we knew somethir JESSE It is a journalistic principl WALKER is always up. It's just that,un along, the only thing up was Never mind the Yugoslavian African secret funds, or the qualifications of Clarence T the media, until that Soviet coup came bouncing down 1 normal sexual practices of Paul Reubens and the definit Milwaukee murderer-cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer. Where o were tainted by the dominant stories of the day. Was it 1 was caught masturbating in a Serbian tank? Did the gov admit to secretly funding anti-ANC porno films? Soon th in upon themselves, and there were rumors of Jeffrey D exposing Pee Wee Herman's penis in a Florida movie th None of these rumors were stated out loud, of course under the surface, a confused, surreal fusion of everythi: unconscious of the American public. Even as civil war to watch Paul Tsongas wander around in his bathing suit fo SPAN. I started to switch the television back and forth n and MTV, absorbing the zeitgeist of the era. The next c spiritual illumination, and attacked my menial office tas And then came the Soviet coup. We all have our own theories as to what will happen Continuing secession and devolution into a completely Ongoing civil war and destruction? A puppet r6gime cor Community? Boris Yeltsin masturbating in an adult mov everybody is interested. And so, at last, a worthy story b once more. It's all quite interesting to me. I used to joke about th becoming freer than the United States, but I never thou To my knowledge, the only person to have ever predict Barry Goldwater, and I doubt he ever really believed it c went ahead and happened anyway, without regard for co conventional wisdom. I went back to the newspapers, in search of the sort c makes events like this comprehensible. But they were s Fulghum's "All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learn considered writing my own version: All I ever really needed to know I learned in Cambodia. Dace the Khmer Rouge pyramidbut we all knew our place. And we al Share. If they won't share, send 'em off to a work camp. Crush theirskulls. I didn't finish it, though. It was too cynical, and the j Besides, the summer is over. Jokes are out; news is ii Herman; hello, Clarence Thomas. It's autumn, the seas . Nals'a l B'Y p I1 4 4 11 n NNW I F I I .. ~ ' m w d" b'' Iff d " .~~-"I EGAD HYGIENE...p K(ILLS . A kMWuC5EI"E, o '0 ~ 'Lick n ®" p Qw p e 0 0 : Weekend Editor-Gil Renberg Weekend Associate Editor-Jesse Walker Editodal Assistants-Jonathan Chait, Matt Pulliam Staff-Lisa Bean, Scott Chupack, Andrew Levy, Craig Linne, Daniel Poux, Antonio Roque Special Sections Coordinator-Beth Halverson Sales Manager-April Rassa Assistant Sales Manager-Shannon Burke Weekend is published by The Michigan Daily almost'every Friday. Copyright 1991. All rights reserved. In order to reproduce something from Weekend, mail us 12 proofs of purchase and your father's Visa card number. Don't forget the expiration date. Items for the Weekend List must be-submitted at the latest by the Friday before publication. List submissions and letters can be dropped off at the Daily or mailed to us at: Weekend 420 Maynard Street Ann Arbor, MI 48109.- J to g lonathan Chait, who heretofore was wont to roam this page, A o the rear of this esteemed publication. Jesse the Usurper won 'ods themselves ran and took cover. 60wk. * - . -- - fs - September 27, 1991k wi r Pagel10 } --. -