Language lessons: clothsing in on Ciche Chic
If clothing is too
expensive for you, try on
some words. Fine fabrics
may be expensive, but talk
is always cheap. And where
threads fail to impress, a
well-placed clichd can do
wonders for your
appearance. There is no
excuse for not knowing the
latest buzzwords, no reason
to miss mastering the
ideologies of the day.
Confused? Don't be.
Now, we at Imperial
Clothes, creators of the God
And Country label, have a
new product: the Party Line.
This year's line of language
fashions is complete in and
of itself; never again will
you have to be without a
ready answer, or an opinion
you can pass off as your
own. Impossible? Not at all!
Take our new array of
Sensitivity products, for
example. Being sensitive
used to be a chore. It meant
dealing with each person as
an individual, with his or
her own needs and desires
- needs and desires that
kept changing with time, to
boot. Conversations (not to
mention friendships) were
painful exercises in getting
to know
people from
the inside
out; a stray
word that
might
delight one
could offend
Jesse another. In
short, being
Walker sensitive
meant
hardship and toil.
Well, toil no longer! Our
experts have developed a
standardized Sensitivity that
anyone can master in a few
hours. All you have to do is
learn this year's name for
each oppressed group, and
the rest is easy. But be
careful - getting caught
wearing the fashions of
yesteryear is a majorfaux .
pas. Keep up to date, and
when in doubt - whatever
you do, don't think. Sense
and Sensitivity do not mix. In
the meantime, if you're a
male, you'll find your social
life getting better and better
as classy wimmin* fall for
the new, sensitive look.
Sensitivity - nothing but
the best for people who
have to prove they're not
prejudiced.
But that's not all.
Administrators as well as
activists are prime targets
for our new product,
Diversity. Once upon a time,
the concept of diversity
entailed too much diversity
for it to be imposed from
above. Now, thanks to
Imperial Clothes, the
guidelines for a Diverse
Campus - or staff, or death
squad, or any sort of
organization - are clearly
laid out for all to see, so that
your group can be safely
accredited as Diverse by a
process so simple you'll
wonder why no one ever
thought of it before. When
you purchase our mass-
produced Diversity line,
you'll know how many
tokens of each race and
gender to look for, when to
demand a hiring freeze, how
to use Sensitivity Training
with the utmost efficiency,
and more. Don't let your
neighbor's Diversity look any
different than yours! Master
the word, and no one will
master you.
Always wanted a see-
through blouse, but couldn't
afford it? Well, how about a
see-through phrase? At first
glance, it's solid as a rock; at
second, it's transparent as
water. That's right, your
friends will be knocked out
when you sport the new
Racist Speech Is Not Free
Speech, and by the time they
realize you're comparing a
type of speech with a type
of freedom, they'll no more
want to point out your
nudity than they would
their own.
There's more to offer, but
we're running out of time.
So be aware: when you
order our line, you'll take on
such flexible words and
phrases as Green, Social
Justice, Racist,
Institutionalized, Progressive,
Democracy, and, held over
for its popularity, The People.
And don't worry about
the expense - like we said,
talk is cheap, and we know
as well as anyone else that
fashion is a rite, not a
privilege. Besides, our
workers are probably the
most overworked and
underpaid in the world;
they'd have all found better
jobs or gone on strike years
ago if it wasn't for their
union. If you want to give us
money, we won't object;
join the fight for a space in
the MSA commission .
budget with our name on it.
In the meantime, though,
when you order any of our
products, don't bother to
send cash. All they cost is
your mind.
F
*Free fashion tip.
.
_ _,,.
.............
T g ts. g1
G t Rad<tG t et.
Zeith Data Systems, of course. For more nformation on how to
buy a Zenith Data Systems PC at a special educational price, visit
your nearby Campus Contact today at:
Michigan
Alumni
work
here:
The
Wall Street
Journal
The
New York Times
The
Washington Post
4
The
Detroit Free Press
The
Detroit News
NBC Sports
Associated Press
United Press
International
Because they
worked here:
Computer Resource Center
3113 School of Education Building
University of Michigan
764-5356
or Zenith Data Systems
(313) 352-1010
IIIlih
,
II
I
f: ;.;
1