The Michigan Daily/New Student Edition -Thursday, September 7, 1989- Page 14
DON"'T EVEN DARE
CALL THIEIM DORMS
by Alex Gordon
New Student Edition Editor
The University of Michigan has
no dorms for first-year students.
Rather, all you incoming collegians
will be sleeping, eating, drinking,
showering, and studying in a
Now it may seem residence hall
is just a euphemism for dorm, like
say maintenance engineer for janitor.
Au contraire, mon frere. Calling a
majestic residence hall a humble
dorm is as insulting as calling your
parents by their first names.
A dorm, by definition, is a place
where you eat and sleep. A residence
hall, though, is a dwelling, upon the
order of Kubla Khan's Xanadu,
which offers educational and cultural
programs, plus lounge movies to
13 is your lucky number when
choosing your housing. There are 13
dorms, er, residence halls for you to
the dorm without actually pulling
into the front door. Pizza drivers, it
seems, are the only other people
blessed with such deft parking skills.
Luckily, you'll be greeted by
your residence hall's
Don't let their friendly appearance
fool you. They want tips for lugging
your stuff up three flights of stairs.
Those who welcome you are easily
spotted by their matching t-shirts,
with fun messages like "My parents
paid lots of money for me to go to
this University, and all I got was
this lousy t-shirt."
As you first gaze in your new
room it will be reminiscent of T. S.
Eliot's "Waste Land." Within days,
however, when you've bought your
carpeting, constructed your loft, and
your roommate has put up his
Motley Crue posters or her Holly
Hobby posters, your room will soon
be as distinctive as those in the
House on the Rock, Wisconsin's
primary tourist attraction.
In the first week of residence hall
life you will befriend all the people
on your hall. By the second week of
residence hall life you will pray that
the people on your hall will drop out
of school. Actually, chances are you
will find some people that you do
As you make it down to your res-
idence hall's cafeteria, the choices
will confound you. Whoop it up
;while you can, soon your diet will
consist of tuna, yogurt, and Sugar
;Smacks. There's no feeling quite
like arriving at the commissary at
1:00 on a Sunday afternoon with a
mammoth hangover, craving scram-
bled eggs, toast, and orange juice,
but greeted by a menu consisting off
beef Stroganoff, leftover shrimp cre-
ole and grape Kool-Aid.
If all the cholesterol you con-
sume there doesn't give you a heart
attack, then the fire alarms pulled by
pranksters at four in the morning
will. To make the alarms more so-
cial, might I suggest having a theme
planned for each one, like say
Hawaiian night, semi-formal, toga,
and so on.
No occasion perhaps best repre-
sents residence hall life better than
those big hall parties. Mind you, all
residence halls have alcohol policies
which are enforced in direct propor-
tion to how well you and your
Resident Advisor get along.
It's probably going to be hard to
get a keg in and out unnoticed, but
it's been done. Your best bet may be
brewing your own beer. Kits are
available, and you can always pass it
off as a chem lab.
the computer labs, and that one guy
who is always on the only pay
phone that works when you want to
make a call with that stolen credit
card number your roommate gave
East Quadrangle-Not every-
one here is as weird as you heard
they are. The home of the
Residential College, to many this is
the most complete residence hall.
Very close to Stop-'N-Go in case
you crave a late night frozen burrito.
Really, not everyone here is that
North Quadrangle-Why is
there no North Quad?
Betsy Barbour and Helen
Newberry-A pair of all-woman
dorms right in the heart of campus.
What more could you ask for?
Fletcher Hall-Recently made
co-ed. No cafeteria, but awfully close
to the football stadium.
Mosher-Jordan-No relation to
Michael Jordan, this hall is content
Alice Lloyd-More Long
Islanders than a Saturday night at
Charlie's. Also home to the world's
slowest elevator. If the Mets are in
the series, steer clear of this hall.
Couzens-Lots of singles, but
about as exciting as the relative its
Mwokley, it's the Cadillac of the
hill dorms. Designed by the same ar-
chitect as South Quad. There are so
many people you're-bound to find
someone you like. It's shaped like
an H' tor no reason. Great big
screen tv as you walk in and a great
street for playing football. Just avoid
the Domino's trucks.
Stockwell-Sorry men, this is
an all-women's residence hall. The
absence of men seems to make a no-
ticeable difference in the relative
cleanliness of the place.
Bursley-Basically your owv
world. Get used to buses. Nice if
you're an engineer, or a fan of Gerald
Don't forget to buy a t-shirt with
your house name made to look like a
beer insignia to commemorate those
days spent in University housing.
And stay away from Cheez-Whiz:
Oh, and just one last note. ThO
showers in the residence halls are
another matter. You'll be taking a
nice pleasant shower one morning,
when all of a sudden a rush of water
The Snack Bar at South Quad.
Refuge from the cafeteria.
Actually, let's not kid ourselves.
Any of those proponents of free will
over determinism would be hard
pressed to maintain their beliefs after
going through the University hous-
Now as if it wasn't enough to
have 13 different residence halls,
there are some eight various types of
rooms you can reside in. Get out
your calculators, that makes the odds
that you'll receive a single in your
first choice of dorm 104 to 1. Pete
Rose wouldn't even take that bet.
Arriving at your residence hall is
a rude awakening. In the September
heat, parents yell and scream as they
try to position their cars as close to
The term "lounge lizard" takes on
a new meaning in the residence hall.
The lounge is that place on your hall
with bad furniture and the only tv
with good reception. Cable, if you're
lucky. Don't, in the words of Judy
Tenuta, let the lounge "posses you."
Lounge lizards watch tv, a lot of
tv, a whole lot of tv. They schedule
their classes around the soaps. They
know the Nick at Night schedule.
They can sing the theme song from
"Car 54, Where Are You?" They are
scary. You will be a lounge lizard.
In addition to the lounge lizards,
there are the people who spend all
their time in front of the pinball ma-
chines, the people who only hang in
Studying in a residence hall is
about as easy as studying in pole
position at the Indy. During finals,
quiet hours are set, but they are en-
forced about as strictly as the law
about ripping the tag off your mat-
tress. In actuality, it means that guy
down the hall turns down Bachman
Turner Overture's "You Ain't Seen
Nothing Yet" to the decibel level of
a small jet engine.
The worst thing that can happen
to you is losing your room key.
Somehow, having a replacement
made will end up costing more than
your tuition. People have actually
had their keys surgically attached to
their hands, which means you'll al-
ways have your key, but you may
have trouble getting a date.
That is basically life in the resi-
dence hall. Don't be scared though,
it really can be a good experience.
Then again, that's what they said
about taking typing in high school.
Here is a guide to your place of
residence this fall.
South Quadrangle-It's big and
bears a certain metaphorical resem-
blance to a zit on the face of the
University. The football players, and
wrestlers live here. The cafeteria was
recently overhauled and now has
more neon than Las Vegas. A diver-
sified crowd, a lot of parties, and a
lot of strange substances on the
floors Sunday morning. The snack
bar is renowned for its cheeseburgers
West Quadrangle-This is the
the best looking dorm, and nothing
quite beats being able to roll out of
bed two minutes before your class at
Angell Hall. The cafeteria serves a
great breakfast. This is the place to
get into if you can, but it's about as
easy as getting Phantom of the
Opera tickets. A highlight is the
ball-fight against South Quad.
In just a few days you can transform your barren room into a pleasure'
palace like this one. The stereos blaring BTO's classic hits, no doubt.
the temperature usually reserved'fof
coffee come spraying out. You'll
never trust a shower again.
Independent investigators have
dismissed all of these strange and
unexplainable residence hall pie-
nomena as just "coincidence." We
4 .know different. +
It's a long, cold wait to catch the
bus back to Bursley or Baits.
Did I mention just how cold it is
while you're waiting for that bus to
go back to North Campus. The av-
erage January temperature in Ann
Arbor is 24 decrees farenheit. Brrrr.
f.: :. ..
Continued from Page 12
equal weight attached to each.
"Studying the literature that
the dominant culture has previ-
ously suppressed makes the
works of T.S. Eliot aRid
Hemmingway more interestifig
and more significant."
So it seems that though Black*
and women writers aren't bum-
ing anybody off the canon shelf,
they are at least starting to join
them on it.
Doesn't she look pleased with her choice from the cafeteria this evening. Nothing quite compares to your
mom's cooking, but away from home, the cafeteria does a super job as a replacement.
UM News in
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