The Michigan Daily/New Student Edition -Thursday, September 7, 1989- Page 14 E 6 ca+tt I, I DON"'T EVEN DARE CALL THIEIM DORMS by Alex Gordon New Student Edition Editor The University of Michigan has no dorms for first-year students. Rather, all you incoming collegians will be sleeping, eating, drinking, showering, and studying in a "residence hall." Now it may seem residence hall is just a euphemism for dorm, like say maintenance engineer for janitor. Au contraire, mon frere. Calling a majestic residence hall a humble dorm is as insulting as calling your parents by their first names. A dorm, by definition, is a place where you eat and sleep. A residence hall, though, is a dwelling, upon the order of Kubla Khan's Xanadu, which offers educational and cultural programs, plus lounge movies to boot. 13 is your lucky number when choosing your housing. There are 13 dorms, er, residence halls for you to choose from. FILE PHOTO the dorm without actually pulling into the front door. Pizza drivers, it seems, are the only other people blessed with such deft parking skills. Luckily, you'll be greeted by your residence hall's "WELCOMING COMMITTEE." Don't let their friendly appearance fool you. They want tips for lugging your stuff up three flights of stairs. Those who welcome you are easily spotted by their matching t-shirts, with fun messages like "My parents paid lots of money for me to go to this University, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." As you first gaze in your new room it will be reminiscent of T. S. Eliot's "Waste Land." Within days, however, when you've bought your carpeting, constructed your loft, and your roommate has put up his Motley Crue posters or her Holly Hobby posters, your room will soon be as distinctive as those in the House on the Rock, Wisconsin's primary tourist attraction. In the first week of residence hall life you will befriend all the people on your hall. By the second week of residence hall life you will pray that the people on your hall will drop out of school. Actually, chances are you will find some people that you do like. As you make it down to your res- idence hall's cafeteria, the choices will confound you. Whoop it up ;while you can, soon your diet will consist of tuna, yogurt, and Sugar ;Smacks. There's no feeling quite like arriving at the commissary at 1:00 on a Sunday afternoon with a mammoth hangover, craving scram- bled eggs, toast, and orange juice, but greeted by a menu consisting off beef Stroganoff, leftover shrimp cre- ole and grape Kool-Aid. If all the cholesterol you con- sume there doesn't give you a heart attack, then the fire alarms pulled by pranksters at four in the morning will. To make the alarms more so- cial, might I suggest having a theme planned for each one, like say Hawaiian night, semi-formal, toga, and so on. No occasion perhaps best repre- sents residence hall life better than those big hall parties. Mind you, all residence halls have alcohol policies which are enforced in direct propor- tion to how well you and your Resident Advisor get along. It's probably going to be hard to get a keg in and out unnoticed, but it's been done. Your best bet may be brewing your own beer. Kits are available, and you can always pass it off as a chem lab. the computer labs, and that one guy who is always on the only pay phone that works when you want to make a call with that stolen credit card number your roommate gave you. East Quadrangle-Not every- one here is as weird as you heard they are. The home of the Residential College, to many this is the most complete residence hall. Very close to Stop-'N-Go in case you crave a late night frozen burrito. Really, not everyone here is that weird. North Quadrangle-Why is there no North Quad? Betsy Barbour and Helen Newberry-A pair of all-woman dorms right in the heart of campus. What more could you ask for? Fletcher Hall-Recently made co-ed. No cafeteria, but awfully close to the football stadium. THE HILL Mosher-Jordan-No relation to Michael Jordan, this hall is content just being. Alice Lloyd-More Long Islanders than a Saturday night at Charlie's. Also home to the world's slowest elevator. If the Mets are in the series, steer clear of this hall. Couzens-Lots of singles, but about as exciting as the relative its named for. Mary Markley-Pronounced Mwokley, it's the Cadillac of the hill dorms. Designed by the same ar- chitect as South Quad. There are so many people you're-bound to find someone you like. It's shaped like an H' tor no reason. Great big screen tv as you walk in and a great street for playing football. Just avoid the Domino's trucks. Stockwell-Sorry men, this is an all-women's residence hall. The absence of men seems to make a no- ticeable difference in the relative cleanliness of the place. NORTH CAMPUS Bursley-Basically your owv world. Get used to buses. Nice if you're an engineer, or a fan of Gerald Ford. Baits-See Bursley. Don't forget to buy a t-shirt with your house name made to look like a beer insignia to commemorate those days spent in University housing. And stay away from Cheez-Whiz: Oh, and just one last note. ThO showers in the residence halls are another matter. You'll be taking a nice pleasant shower one morning, when all of a sudden a rush of water The Snack Bar at South Quad. Refuge from the cafeteria. Actually, let's not kid ourselves. Any of those proponents of free will over determinism would be hard pressed to maintain their beliefs after going through the University hous- ing lottery. Now as if it wasn't enough to have 13 different residence halls, there are some eight various types of rooms you can reside in. Get out your calculators, that makes the odds that you'll receive a single in your first choice of dorm 104 to 1. Pete Rose wouldn't even take that bet. Arriving at your residence hall is a rude awakening. In the September heat, parents yell and scream as they try to position their cars as close to The term "lounge lizard" takes on a new meaning in the residence hall. The lounge is that place on your hall with bad furniture and the only tv with good reception. Cable, if you're lucky. Don't, in the words of Judy Tenuta, let the lounge "posses you." Lounge lizards watch tv, a lot of tv, a whole lot of tv. They schedule their classes around the soaps. They know the Nick at Night schedule. They can sing the theme song from "Car 54, Where Are You?" They are scary. You will be a lounge lizard. In addition to the lounge lizards, there are the people who spend all their time in front of the pinball ma- chines, the people who only hang in 4 , FILE PHOTO Studying in a residence hall is about as easy as studying in pole position at the Indy. During finals, quiet hours are set, but they are en- forced about as strictly as the law about ripping the tag off your mat- tress. In actuality, it means that guy down the hall turns down Bachman Turner Overture's "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" to the decibel level of a small jet engine. The worst thing that can happen to you is losing your room key. Somehow, having a replacement made will end up costing more than your tuition. People have actually had their keys surgically attached to their hands, which means you'll al- ways have your key, but you may have trouble getting a date. That is basically life in the resi- dence hall. Don't be scared though, it really can be a good experience. Then again, that's what they said about taking typing in high school. Here is a guide to your place of residence this fall. CENTRAL CAMPUS South Quadrangle-It's big and bears a certain metaphorical resem- blance to a zit on the face of the University. The football players, and wrestlers live here. The cafeteria was recently overhauled and now has more neon than Las Vegas. A diver- sified crowd, a lot of parties, and a lot of strange substances on the floors Sunday morning. The snack bar is renowned for its cheeseburgers and fries. West Quadrangle-This is the the best looking dorm, and nothing quite beats being able to roll out of bed two minutes before your class at Angell Hall. The cafeteria serves a great breakfast. This is the place to get into if you can, but it's about as easy as getting Phantom of the Opera tickets. A highlight is the annual first-snow-of-the-year-snow- ball-fight against South Quad. In just a few days you can transform your barren room into a pleasure' palace like this one. The stereos blaring BTO's classic hits, no doubt. the temperature usually reserved'fof coffee come spraying out. You'll never trust a shower again. Independent investigators have dismissed all of these strange and unexplainable residence hall pie- nomena as just "coincidence." We 4 .know different. + It's a long, cold wait to catch the bus back to Bursley or Baits. 4 Did I mention just how cold it is while you're waiting for that bus to go back to North Campus. The av- erage January temperature in Ann Arbor is 24 decrees farenheit. Brrrr. " . ;> f.: :. .. Authors Continued from Page 12 equal weight attached to each. "Studying the literature that the dominant culture has previ- ously suppressed makes the works of T.S. Eliot aRid Hemmingway more interestifig and more significant." So it seems that though Black* and women writers aren't bum- ing anybody off the canon shelf, they are at least starting to join them on it. P, __ FILE PHOTO Doesn't she look pleased with her choice from the cafeteria this evening. Nothing quite compares to your mom's cooking, but away from home, the cafeteria does a super job as a replacement. r r UM News in The Daily 764-0552 Michigan Daily ARTS 763-0379 l e titl tgttn ttil i i II 2T 1 w