Dr. Style has the
Note: Dr. Style, fashion consul-
tant to personalities ranging from
Tina Yothers to the Rev. Al Sharp-
ton, has agreed to take over the
* columnist's space for this issue. Jim
Poniewozik, who couldn't match his
socks if he only owned one pair,
will be back next week. Maybe.
Hello, loves! Time to see what
Dr. Style has in his genuine chin-
chilla mailbag today...
Dear Dr. Style: My seven year-
old son, Timmy, hasn't spoken to me
in almost two weeks because I won't
buy him Levi's 501 jeans. I've tried
to explain to him that it's ridiculous
to spend that much money on cloth-
ingfor a boy his age. He says that all
the other kids at school have them
and that I'm just an old, out of touch
woman. Would you please set him
-Besieged in Bangor
Timmy, just because your
mother refuses to buy you the jeans
does not mean that she is out of
touch. Rather, she obviously does
not love you. Why else would a
woman deliberately handicap her son
in the first stages of the race for
fashion superiority, virtually guaran-
teeing that you will grow up miser-
able, friendless and destined for sui-
cide by age 14?
Dr. Style pities you, Timmy.
Might I suggest, should your mother
persist in this malicious neglect,
that you develop a drug habit to pun-
Dear Dr. Style: Help! It's almost
time for me to pull my leather and
fur clothes out of the closet for the
winter, but I'm being plagued by
dreams of goo-goo eyed baby seals
screaming "Don't kill me!" in Em-
manuel Lewis' voice. How can I
reconcile my conscience with my
love of a good piece of dead flesh?
-Vacillating in Vancouver
Quite frankly, Dr. Style considers
that sort of namby-Bambi sentimen-
tality the worst threat to the fashion
industry since the invention of the
rhinestone. But, as anyone who's de-
signed an ad for an animal rights
group knows, the sanctity of life is
directly proportional to its cuteness,
so Dr. Style is sending you a copy
I V ,
of the Winter '90 GONADS (Gar- - you still have hope for a rewa
ments Of Non-ADorable Species) ing career if you get into tat
catalog. Why worry about causing artistry while the getting's good!
the death of one of Mowgli's pals Dear Dr. Style: How ethical i
when you can wrap yourself in a for a certain student newspaper
Cockroach Cape, a Gila Hat, or a set aside an entire issue to pictu
Vole Stole? Sleep secure in the of people modeling clothing, wh
knowledge that your outerwear be- basically amounts to free adver
longed to an animal that was ugly ing for the mfnghkrpg -
and therefore undeserving of life! Dear Incomplete:
You also may wish to have your Whoops! Looks like clumsy
local cable company disable the PBS Dr. Style accidentally spilled
channel on your TV set. coffee all over your letter! Oh, w
Dear Dr. Style: In the '60s it was I'm sure it was an interest
suede, in the '70s, velour, and in the question, but since I can't make4
'80s, artificial fabric. What's look- the slightest hint of what you w
ing to be the wonder fabric of the referring to, I'm afraid you'll have
'90s? write back next year. Dr. Stylev
-Oblong in Orlando have to make nice and sure to wa
Dear Oblong: those nasty old butterfingers n
Ink. With Direct Deposit checks, time!
home computers, fax machines, Dear Rev. Graham: Please tc
work by mail, exercise machines, pity on a miserable wretch of a s
and the VCR all becoming I've spent my last 20 years drink
ubiquitous, it's estimated that by and fornicatin' and I'm ready to
1995 people will only leave their things straight. What do 1 need to
homes in case of fires, and even then to save my eternal soul?
70% will choose death instead. Since - Lower'n a Gopher's Hiney
the only people we will ever need Council Blu
come in direct contact with will be Dear Gopher:
members of our immediate families, Well, obviously the syndic
people will rediscover the joys of mailroom staff screwed up again,I
lounging about the house butt- let's see if old Dr. Style can't so
naked. So take note, English majors your problem for you.
I'll assume from your salutation
that you're looking for a Christian
denomination. I'd eliminate Men-
nonites right off the bat -
although, of course, a good black
outfit should be a staple of anyone's
wardrobe, so that might be an option
if you're big on basics. As for your
other Protestant denominations, a
good rule of thumb is to rule out
any religion that allows its clergy to
dress the same as their flocks; one
minute, you start being egalitarian
about fashion and the next minute,
it's the whole "Urban Cowboy"
nightmare all over again.
Which brings us to Dr. Style's
personal fave, Catholicism, particu-
larly if you're willing to go the extra
nine yards and enter the priesthood
- Dr. Style has a drawer full of
chasubles he just can't seem to find
the right occasion to wear - but if
not, this winter's Bean catalog has
some scapulars and rosary beads to
die for! The bigger the dogma, the
better the duds, I always say.
rd- Dear Dr. Style: I guess this isn't
too really a "fashion" question, but
could you tell me why people who
s it write to advice columnists insist on
to using moronic pseudonyms?
res -Nothing Better to Do Than
ich Waste My Time Asking Esoteric
tis- Questions in Lacrosse, Wisconsin
Good question. Actually, the
old names are supplied by the
his columnists, and form an intricate
ell, code. For example, the signatures to
ing each of Ann Landers' columns
out through 1985, when anagrammed,
ere are an exact reproduction of the orig-
e to inal text of the Bible in Aramaic,
will while L.M. Boyd's provide clues to
itch the location of a buried cache of nude
ext photographs of Gordon Jump.
Well, that's all the space we have
ake for this week, loves. Until next
oul. time, remember: "Death before
kin' shoulder pads!"
d11 Look For
~ SINC E 1989
Sixty-nine Years ago... October 27, 1920
"For a period of several days preceding last Saturday's contest with
Illinois, Ann Arbor was infested by a new creature, that member of the
family of human parasites known as the professional gambler...
"It is to the best interests of the University and this community that
every possible means be employed to abolish this evil...
"Professional gambling and the playing of professional football are the
two great menaces of the college sport."
[From an unsigned editorial]
Items in the Weekend Almanac are culled from past issues of the Daily on
this date in history. All articles are taken from Daily files which are open
to public perusal in the Daily's library.
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