Dr. Style has the ,, ans Note: Dr. Style, fashion consul- tant to personalities ranging from Tina Yothers to the Rev. Al Sharp- ton, has agreed to take over the * columnist's space for this issue. Jim Poniewozik, who couldn't match his socks if he only owned one pair, will be back next week. Maybe. Hello, loves! Time to see what Dr. Style has in his genuine chin- chilla mailbag today... Dear Dr. Style: My seven year- old son, Timmy, hasn't spoken to me in almost two weeks because I won't buy him Levi's 501 jeans. I've tried to explain to him that it's ridiculous to spend that much money on cloth- ingfor a boy his age. He says that all the other kids at school have them and that I'm just an old, out of touch woman. Would you please set him straight? -Besieged in Bangor Dear Besieged: Glad to. Timmy, just because your mother refuses to buy you the jeans does not mean that she is out of touch. Rather, she obviously does not love you. Why else would a woman deliberately handicap her son in the first stages of the race for fashion superiority, virtually guaran- teeing that you will grow up miser- able, friendless and destined for sui- cide by age 14? Dr. Style pities you, Timmy. Might I suggest, should your mother persist in this malicious neglect, that you develop a drug habit to pun- ish her. Dear Dr. Style: Help! It's almost time for me to pull my leather and fur clothes out of the closet for the winter, but I'm being plagued by dreams of goo-goo eyed baby seals screaming "Don't kill me!" in Em- manuel Lewis' voice. How can I reconcile my conscience with my love of a good piece of dead flesh? -Vacillating in Vancouver Dear Vacillating: Quite frankly, Dr. Style considers that sort of namby-Bambi sentimen- tality the worst threat to the fashion industry since the invention of the rhinestone. But, as anyone who's de- signed an ad for an animal rights group knows, the sanctity of life is directly proportional to its cuteness, so Dr. Style is sending you a copy W ~27i2 c V C I V , of the Winter '90 GONADS (Gar- - you still have hope for a rewa ments Of Non-ADorable Species) ing career if you get into tat catalog. Why worry about causing artistry while the getting's good! the death of one of Mowgli's pals Dear Dr. Style: How ethical i when you can wrap yourself in a for a certain student newspaper Cockroach Cape, a Gila Hat, or a set aside an entire issue to pictu Vole Stole? Sleep secure in the of people modeling clothing, wh knowledge that your outerwear be- basically amounts to free adver longed to an animal that was ugly ing for the mfnghkrpg - and therefore undeserving of life! Dear Incomplete: You also may wish to have your Whoops! Looks like clumsy local cable company disable the PBS Dr. Style accidentally spilled channel on your TV set. coffee all over your letter! Oh, w Dear Dr. Style: In the '60s it was I'm sure it was an interest suede, in the '70s, velour, and in the question, but since I can't make4 '80s, artificial fabric. What's look- the slightest hint of what you w ing to be the wonder fabric of the referring to, I'm afraid you'll have '90s? write back next year. Dr. Stylev -Oblong in Orlando have to make nice and sure to wa Dear Oblong: those nasty old butterfingers n Ink. With Direct Deposit checks, time! home computers, fax machines, Dear Rev. Graham: Please tc work by mail, exercise machines, pity on a miserable wretch of a s and the VCR all becoming I've spent my last 20 years drink ubiquitous, it's estimated that by and fornicatin' and I'm ready to 1995 people will only leave their things straight. What do 1 need to homes in case of fires, and even then to save my eternal soul? 70% will choose death instead. Since - Lower'n a Gopher's Hiney the only people we will ever need Council Blu come in direct contact with will be Dear Gopher: members of our immediate families, Well, obviously the syndic people will rediscover the joys of mailroom staff screwed up again,I lounging about the house butt- let's see if old Dr. Style can't so naked. So take note, English majors your problem for you. wers I'll assume from your salutation that you're looking for a Christian denomination. I'd eliminate Men- nonites right off the bat - although, of course, a good black outfit should be a staple of anyone's wardrobe, so that might be an option if you're big on basics. As for your other Protestant denominations, a good rule of thumb is to rule out any religion that allows its clergy to dress the same as their flocks; one minute, you start being egalitarian about fashion and the next minute, it's the whole "Urban Cowboy" nightmare all over again. Which brings us to Dr. Style's personal fave, Catholicism, particu- larly if you're willing to go the extra nine yards and enter the priesthood - Dr. Style has a drawer full of chasubles he just can't seem to find the right occasion to wear - but if not, this winter's Bean catalog has some scapulars and rosary beads to die for! The bigger the dogma, the better the duds, I always say. rd- Dear Dr. Style: I guess this isn't too really a "fashion" question, but could you tell me why people who s it write to advice columnists insist on to using moronic pseudonyms? res -Nothing Better to Do Than ich Waste My Time Asking Esoteric tis- Questions in Lacrosse, Wisconsin Dear Nothing: Good question. Actually, the old names are supplied by the his columnists, and form an intricate ell, code. For example, the signatures to ing each of Ann Landers' columns out through 1985, when anagrammed, ere are an exact reproduction of the orig- e to inal text of the Bible in Aramaic, will while L.M. Boyd's provide clues to itch the location of a buried cache of nude ext photographs of Gordon Jump. Well, that's all the space we have ake for this week, loves. Until next oul. time, remember: "Death before kin' shoulder pads!" set d11 Look For NEKEV ~ SINC E 1989 1~ 1 Sixty-nine Years ago... October 27, 1920 "For a period of several days preceding last Saturday's contest with Illinois, Ann Arbor was infested by a new creature, that member of the family of human parasites known as the professional gambler... "It is to the best interests of the University and this community that every possible means be employed to abolish this evil... "Professional gambling and the playing of professional football are the two great menaces of the college sport." [From an unsigned editorial] Items in the Weekend Almanac are culled from past issues of the Daily on this date in history. All articles are taken from Daily files which are open to public perusal in the Daily's library. 45KETCR?At' VZINN SOMEjMMDAeN M6-? 50OWfNG CAWAL. 0 p. SOCIAWWY 1SIHiAN4T? SOMElTHING VA410NA" WT NT fNT 000 a ) y'in ffs ate but lve Alex About Town Next Week INTRCDUCING: NAILS 1 UNISEX SALON Complete Nail Service Specializing in Acrylic Nails Shiear Delighft announces UniseAJFacials speciallfypriced at $12.50 incdes Marine mudfmash, An eXciting new fine of Skin Care products * Aso ffering Hair cuts for $10.0x includes shampoo Shear 'Deligit 9{air StyfingSaan Scated in tie campus nn 615 E.-uron Open-onday ' Saturday 9-5 'Evenings by appointment Call 769-6282 I 10% Off All Typewriter Supplies! I0 I U: * Special Sale October 27- November 4 I I *All supplies in store are 100% off for one week only! F * Including inventory currently on sale! a Ribbons * Lift-Off Tape * Calculator Paper H Electronic Typewriter Ribbon Cassettes * coupon must be presented at time of purchase. 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