WEEKEND/ MARCH 24,1989
Al utEmemL'oe w
- Puttin' on the twits
If you want to explain what,
biologically, makes humans different
from "animals," it's easy. We've got
opposable thumbs, proportionally
larger brains, and so on. But that's
not enough for most people. We
want to know the intangibles. What
makes us transcend mere biology.
What makes us able to order prime
rib with a clear conscience.
Some people call it a soul. Some
call it intellect. They're wrong.
What elevates humankind is our
ability to take any natural function
and turn it into an embarassing
nightmare (Homo sapiens translates
from the Latin into "excuse me, I
can't believe I did something so
stupid"). Nature created food. Hum-
ans created the salad fork. Nature
created sex. Humans created the 4
1/2-foot-wide back seat.
Nature created fur.
Humans created fashion.
I've always hated this issue of
Weekend. Not so much from an
ethics of journalism standpoint; I
know it's necessary to raise money
and all that (the Black Market Babies
Catalogue Issue comes out next
No, my complaint is with fash-
ion in general. I can handle the
cruelty (not the baby seal-clubbing
- the fact that catalogues always
name fabric colors after food [basil,
peach, caramel, etc.] when the only
way to look attractive in their outfits
is starvation). I can handle the
silliness (I always thought a "power
suit" was what Iron Man wore).
But I have yet to see a fashion
catalogue that caters to actual hum-
ans. I perused the J. Crew Spring/
Summer '89 catalogue, and saw a
cover featuring three men, with a
woman, cavorting barefoot on a
beach - in dress slacks, shirt, and
tie. Guess Frankie and Annette really
have grown up.
Thus, I present...
The JimCo Spring/Summer '89
Photo #1: &
the name of the
these days is PR
(and we don't
Re-search!) Model Duderstadt looks
haute, hot, and ready to hype in our
"Media Darling" three-piece - the
power suit that turns permanent
press into positive press. Designed
especially for the busy administrator
with the national media knocking at
his riot-protected door.
Jimbo's ensemble, shown here in
camera-friendly grey, also comes
with our patented "Coat O' Many
Colors" - for days when you just
can't look too diverse. Large inner
pockets are sized just right to hide
those embarassing minority recruit-
ment reports when Kathleen Sul-
-livan comes a-callin', while the
extra-wide lapels are guaranteed to
out of the lens.
if you don't look
good, we don't
Photo #2: Do you crave to be
intellectual, but simply lack the
brainpower? Worry no more! The
best substitute for a sharp mind is a
sharp outfit, and that's why we've
introduced the Jean Paul Sartre
LineTM of fashion products for the
Here, Ian models "the Angst
Look," just one of the existentialist
ensembles that'll have you at your
wan, worldweary best! Available
colors: Trenchcoat - black; beret -
black; turtleneck - black; socks -
black; shoes - black. Perfect for
open poetry readings or lurking by
the window of that new coffee place
on State Street that everybody
pretends they don't remember the
name of because it sounds so
ridiculous. Accessories include: the
Plast-O-Skar make up kit (fabricate
past suicide attempts!); Camus' The
Stranger (Howl and On the Road
also available at our Ann Arbor
outlets). Printed pages extra.
Photo #3: It's a dilemma every
activist faces at one time or another
- can glanour be politically cor-
rect? Well, don't despair, fellow
proles; we don't have to start wear-
ing drab work uniforms until after
the revolution! Larissa is a member
of LASC, SANE, WAND, FNOR,
BLARG, and GORNDLCLATCH
- and a sharp dresser to boot!
Larissa's outfit contains at least one
garment indigenous to every op-
pressed nation or group on Earth,
and its modularity allows for quick
changes in time for dinner with the
folks in Birmingham. Special titan-
ium-reinforced buttons leave no
cause unespoused, and also protect
delicate fabrics from nasty water
OFF THE WALL
Springsteen rocks New Jersey
I guess someone has to
HELLO FftW1Uawt4s FVOITE G-'
IN CAMPLU$ fAioi4,'
What has 4 names and
George Herbert Walker Bush
Fifteen Years ago...
March 24, 1974
"Camp David, Md. (AP) - The White House indicated yesterday it will not consider
surrendering 42 taped conversations sought for the House impeachment injury until the
Judiciary Committee defines its charges against President Nixon and specifies 'what materials
are wanted and why."'
Thirty Years ago...
March 24, 1959
"University President Harlan Hatcher told the faculty yesterday they will continue to be
paid, even with the current threat of payless paydays.
"'I don't think the State will permit you to go without any pay,' he told faculty members
and their wives at a special meeting.
Fifty-seven Years ago...
March 24, 1932
"Strenuous efforts toward more effective student government were made last night by the
Student Council when a plan was adopted by that body which provides that juristiction over
student conduct and activities will be vested in a legislative body consisting of an upper and a
"The upper house, if the Regents ratify the plan, will consist of eight members, four of
whom will be chosen from the faculty, and the other four from the student body.
"All members of the upper house would be appointed by the president of the University
and would be liable to removal from office by him."
Items in the Weekend Almanac are culled from past issues of the Daily on this date in history.
All articles are taken from Daily files which are open to public review in the Daily's library.
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What is short, has
has a big nose?
no spine, and
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Poverty is bad
Crime is messy
Don't be sad,
Vote for Jesse!
In all the world, what would you
I had a 4.0
Bigger hands and all that comes
Win the jello jump
A year's supply of Goebel
That Stucchi's would deliver
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