PAGE 12 WEEKEND/ MARCH 24,1989 Fashist ideology Al utEmemL'oe w - Puttin' on the twits If you want to explain what, biologically, makes humans different from "animals," it's easy. We've got opposable thumbs, proportionally larger brains, and so on. But that's not enough for most people. We want to know the intangibles. What makes us transcend mere biology. What makes us able to order prime rib with a clear conscience. Some people call it a soul. Some call it intellect. They're wrong. What elevates humankind is our ability to take any natural function and turn it into an embarassing nightmare (Homo sapiens translates from the Latin into "excuse me, I can't believe I did something so stupid"). Nature created food. Hum- ans created the salad fork. Nature created sex. Humans created the 4 1/2-foot-wide back seat. Nature created fur. Humans created fashion. I've always hated this issue of Weekend. Not so much from an ethics of journalism standpoint; I know it's necessary to raise money and all that (the Black Market Babies Catalogue Issue comes out next week, incidentally). No, my complaint is with fash- ion in general. I can handle the cruelty (not the baby seal-clubbing - the fact that catalogues always name fabric colors after food [basil, peach, caramel, etc.] when the only way to look attractive in their outfits is starvation). I can handle the silliness (I always thought a "power suit" was what Iron Man wore). But I have yet to see a fashion catalogue that caters to actual hum- ans. I perused the J. Crew Spring/ Summer '89 catalogue, and saw a cover featuring three men, with a woman, cavorting barefoot on a beach - in dress slacks, shirt, and tie. Guess Frankie and Annette really have grown up. Thus, I present... The JimCo Spring/Summer '89 U-M Catalogue: Photo #1: & Any University president knows the name of the academic game these days is PR (and we don't mean Prestigious Re-search!) Model Duderstadt looks haute, hot, and ready to hype in our "Media Darling" three-piece - the power suit that turns permanent press into positive press. Designed especially for the busy administrator with the national media knocking at his riot-protected door. Jimbo's ensemble, shown here in camera-friendly grey, also comes with our patented "Coat O' Many Colors" - for days when you just can't look too diverse. Large inner pockets are sized just right to hide those embarassing minority recruit- ment reports when Kathleen Sul- -livan comes a-callin', while the extra-wide lapels are guaranteed to IOZO keep pesky student protesters out of the lens. Remember, Dude, if you don't look good, we don't look good! Photo #2: Do you crave to be intellectual, but simply lack the brainpower? Worry no more! The best substitute for a sharp mind is a sharp outfit, and that's why we've introduced the Jean Paul Sartre LineTM of fashion products for the budding aesthete. Here, Ian models "the Angst Look," just one of the existentialist ensembles that'll have you at your wan, worldweary best! Available colors: Trenchcoat - black; beret - black; turtleneck - black; socks - black; shoes - black. Perfect for open poetry readings or lurking by the window of that new coffee place on State Street that everybody pretends they don't remember the name of because it sounds so ridiculous. Accessories include: the Plast-O-Skar make up kit (fabricate past suicide attempts!); Camus' The Stranger (Howl and On the Road also available at our Ann Arbor outlets). Printed pages extra. Photo #3: It's a dilemma every activist faces at one time or another - can glanour be politically cor- rect? Well, don't despair, fellow proles; we don't have to start wear- ing drab work uniforms until after the revolution! Larissa is a member of LASC, SANE, WAND, FNOR, BLARG, and GORNDLCLATCH - and a sharp dresser to boot! Larissa's outfit contains at least one garment indigenous to every op- pressed nation or group on Earth, and its modularity allows for quick changes in time for dinner with the folks in Birmingham. Special titan- ium-reinforced buttons leave no cause unespoused, and also protect delicate fabrics from nasty water NEC £,EKEfl0 SINCE 1989 41ZMANNC I I' OFF THE WALL Springsteen rocks New Jersey (In response) I guess someone has to Si HELLO FftW1Uawt4s FVOITE G-' IN CAMPLU$ fAioi4,' What has 4 names and personality? George Herbert Walker Bush no rr pd U w mmmmmmmmml Fifteen Years ago... March 24, 1974 "Camp David, Md. (AP) - The White House indicated yesterday it will not consider surrendering 42 taped conversations sought for the House impeachment injury until the Judiciary Committee defines its charges against President Nixon and specifies 'what materials are wanted and why."' Thirty Years ago... March 24, 1959 "University President Harlan Hatcher told the faculty yesterday they will continue to be paid, even with the current threat of payless paydays. "'I don't think the State will permit you to go without any pay,' he told faculty members and their wives at a special meeting. Fifty-seven Years ago... March 24, 1932 "Strenuous efforts toward more effective student government were made last night by the Student Council when a plan was adopted by that body which provides that juristiction over student conduct and activities will be vested in a legislative body consisting of an upper and a lower house.... "The upper house, if the Regents ratify the plan, will consist of eight members, four of whom will be chosen from the faculty, and the other four from the student body. "All members of the upper house would be appointed by the president of the University and would be liable to removal from office by him." Items in the Weekend Almanac are culled from past issues of the Daily on this date in history. All articles are taken from Daily files which are open to public review in the Daily's library. 3 rFiRSTW iAVms)CK t e.514 . A A r 4 Mb 8Ltf SWEAI5IIR. 9. ASW0 N (In response) What is short, has has a big nose? Michael Dukakis no spine, and " . . r.n Poverty is bad Crime is messy Don't be sad, Vote for Jesse! In all the world, what would you wish for? (Responses) I had a 4.0 Good friends/Happiness/Love Bigger hands and all that comes with them Win the jello jump Peace A boyfriend A year's supply of Goebel That Stucchi's would deliver --Graduate Library NEW Wes~c,6UAMARrC;P ,A040 F"),D aL .IN MA'rCIAIr4G )tAS, I 5AfilmRT AND MAIM M ii.:. i ..t.Jw. '!!' ...... """""""" MIN= 'TAWFi4 sria. 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University Michigan Union 761-4539 747-9070 662-1222 1 ANN ARBOR 1220 S. UNIVERSITY VALUABLE COUPON BABYA P mTM Plus Tax III Prce valid in USA only T 0 VALUABLE COUPON - e-AECA DCAmnWIe I 665-2034 Two adorable little individual-sized pan pizzas with cheese and pepperoni for one low price. Valid only with coupon at oarticioating Little Caesars. ' Expires: March 31, 1989 (1989 Little Caesar Enterprises, Inc. MD VALUABLE COUPON = TWO SMALL PIZZAS wh w4k rk ea ani4 +tnnnn* 1 1S and a 12 oz. Soft Drink I $ 49 P ce va din USA only hat's an Italian Sub, Ham and Cheese or Vegetarian Sandwich anda 12z.oft' rin. alidonly with coupon at participating LittlCaesars Expires: March 31, 1989 ar 1989 Little Caesar Enterprises, Inc. MD M VALUABLE COUPON TWO MEDIUM PIZZAS with cheee and t nina* I i