FEBRUARY 1989 Opinions
U. THE NATIONAL COLLEGE NEWSPAPER T
FEBRUARY 1989 U U. THE NATIONAL COLLEGE NEWSPAPER 7
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ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER BrentAnderson, Life and Art Editor U. of California, Santa Barbara
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Dead men do endorsements;
items resurrect the famous
By David Ball
The Daily Tar Heel
U. of North Carolina, Chapel Hill
It is the not-too-distant future. The
subject at hand? Socrates. "I was in-
teractingwith the master the other day.
The probing questions! The sheer mas-
tery of contemporary educational con-
"Not to mention the graphics and the
Yes, that's right. What makes the use
of Socrates' name on an educational
computer unique is that he's dead. I've
decided that dead celebrity endorse-
ments are the wave of the future for
several reasons: Dead celebrities can't
refuse to endorse your product. Dead
celebrities won't suddenly lose popular-
ity. And, dead celebrities don't get paid.
With this potent new marketing tool
in hand, I've developed a range of pro-
ducts associated with famous people
who are six feet under.
Louis Pasteur for Pasteurex mold and mil-
dew stain remover. Who knows more ab-
out mold than the self-proclaimed "God
of Fungi" himself. Let's face it - the
stuff that's growing in your bathroom is
only going to show you're a bad home-
maker. Pasteurex uses patented clean-
ing agent, Petri 5000.
Ho Chi Minh for Ho Chi Minh weed killer.
From the jungles of Vietnam to the
lawns of America comes a guaranteed
way to get rid of weeds. It comes with its
own bulldozer applicator so you can de-
foliate in comfort. We all know that
these plants are used as cover for insur-
gent rodents, so liberate your home
from weeds today.
Henry VIII, for "O' Hank" condoms. Hen-
ry VIII was known for his gourmet
taste, benevolent leadership and his
women. That's why the people here at
Goodyear have developed "O' Hank"
condoms, in the spirit of England's
chubbiest king. Henry VIII didn't have
to deal with AIDS, but you do. As 01'
Hank says, "Don't behead - be safe!"
To pay for all these items, you'd need
a whole lot of credit, which brings me to
the final endorsement.
Karl Marx, for the American Express Red
Card. "Do you know me? Sometimes
when I'm out combating the imperialist
lackeys of the bourgeois ruling oligar-
chy I run out of the people's money.
That's why I carry the American Ex-
press Red Card. You charge,, but you
don't have to pay your bills, further
hastening the decline of the capitalist
elite. I recommend it to every proleta-
rian. The American Express Red Card
- don't leave your commune without