Thursday, December 10, 1987
The Michigan Daily
All Johnny wants for Christmas is a
By John Shea
"Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!" cried little Johnny
with glee as he made his annual pilgrimage to Briarwood. He was
looking for Santa Claus and clutched in his little hand was a little list
of things he wanted for the holidays.
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" belly-laughed Santa Claus at Briarwood. "Merry
Christmas little boy! Come up here and sit on my lap and tell me your
"Okay. My name is Johnny, sir."
"That's a fine name you've got there, Johnny. Okay, Johnny. What
do you want for Christmas?"
"I want... I want... I wanna see a movie. A good movie."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" cried Santa. "Why, that shouldn't be too hard!" Santa
reached deep down into his bag and pulled out several reels of film,
carefully scrutinizing each one.
"Ah," said Santa. "Here's a good flick. Wall Street, the new film by
Oliver Stone of Platoon fame, opens in theatres everywhere December
11! It stars Michael Douglas as a corporate raider who convinces young
stockbroker Charlie Sheen to get him inside information. Moral con-
Johnny frowned. He had been down that moral road before - he had
seen Death of a Salesman twice - and frankly didn't want to go down
it again. Damn his parents for dragging him to all those stupid moral-
ity plays. And damn Santa for suggesting he had to sit through another
"Uh-uh. No way, man."
Little Johnny wanted to see a movie that would make his heart sing
and his feet jump for joy and just make him feel good to be alive.
"I know," said Santa Claus. "Bill Cosby has a new movie coming
out - Leonard, Part 6, opening in theatres everywhere December 18!"
Santa offered. "Cosby stars as a retired secret agent-turned-restaurateur
who suddenly finds himself having to save the world from lobsters,
frogs, and ostriches!"
Now. Little Johnny was a lot of things, but a stupid little boy he
was not. He had seen The Cosby Show before, and took great joy
watching the Huxtable family and all the funny things they said and did.
But then the show got high ratings and they started to wear designer
clothes, and soon they weren't funny anymore.
"Didn't Cosby go on Larry King and say the movie was a total
piece of - "
"In so many words."
"Oh," moaned Johnny.
"Do you ever imagine of faraway places and times?" Santa asked.
"Sure," said Johnny.
"Well, listen. There are two excellent films coming out in late De-
cember and both are shot in the Far East: Steven Spielberg's Empire of
the Sun and The Last Emperor.
"Empire of the Sun, starring John Malkovich, is an epic drama set
in World War II. It focuses on a little boy - just like you - who
views the the adult world of war. And The Last Emperor, currently be-
ing hailed by many as the best film of the year, is the true story of
China's last emperor, Pu Yi, and his struggle between the old world and
the new. It's not only great history, it's great entertainment."
Johnny nodded his head. "Sounds interesting," he said. "When are
they coming to Briarwood?" .
Santa looked at his list of release dates.
"Do your parents have a car?"
"Because they'll have to drive you to Los Angeles or New York to
see either one of them by 1988."
Johnny started to cry.
Bill Cosby leaves the Huxtable sitcom household for the leading role
in 'Leonard Part 6.'
Santa was getting frustrated. Everything he had offered to the little
boy was getting shot down in a big way. There was one last reel of
film in his bag. It was not a busy time of the day and Santa made sure
no one was around when he pulled the reel out.
"Do you like to laugh, little boy?" Santa asked.
"Oh heavens, yes!"
Santa leaned over and whispered in Johnny's ear, "Eddie Murphy:
Johnny cringed. He had seen the comedian once before, on HBO, in
his "Delirious" concert. One night when his parents were away, Johnny
called up all of his friends and invited them over to the house to watch
it. And no one laughed harder than Johnny. Problem was, the next day
Johnny got up in front of his class and tried to be as funny as Eddie. It
didn't work. And as his bare bottom was being beaten repeatedly, it oc-
curred to him that yelling obscenities prefixed with "mother" were not
as funny as he originally thought.
"No thanks," Johnny said.
"Well, Johnny. That's all I've got for now. I'm sorry. I'm not a
miracle worker. You've got to take what's there and hope that by the
time Oscar season rolls around, there'll be some highly entertaining
pictures out there. But in the meantime, can I get you anything else?"
Johnny thought about for a moment.
"Yeah. I want a car. A good car."
The place for stereo
605 E. William, Ann Arbor
Charlie Sheen plays a young trader in Oliver Stone's 'Wall Street.'
VERY CHEAP ROUNDTRIP TICKET to
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the ANNUAL MEETING of the University
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Michigan Room of the Michigan Union.
FEMALE ROOMATE to share 2 bedroom
at. near campus. Rent $282/mo. & phone &
elec. Call747-6724 ASAP.
FEMALE ROOMMATE WANTED. Share
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FEMALE ROOMMATE needed to share 2
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TWENTY-FIVE YEAR OLD WOMAN
looking for a woman of similar age to share
an apartment beginning in January. Prefer
someone who is a non-smoker and neat. If
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ROMMATE NEEDED FEMALE (grad stu-
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MULTITECII +700, 640K $700, or +20Mb
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IOur last publication day for this term will be-
Friday, December 11. We will resume our;
. regular publication schedule on Wednesday,
-Happy Holidays from .. .
.h IIiIiwn aig
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