4 ARTS Thursday, December 10, 1987 The Michigan Daily Page 8 good movie All Johnny wants for Christmas is a By John Shea "Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!" cried little Johnny with glee as he made his annual pilgrimage to Briarwood. He was looking for Santa Claus and clutched in his little hand was a little list of things he wanted for the holidays. "Ho! Ho! Ho!" belly-laughed Santa Claus at Briarwood. "Merry Christmas little boy! Come up here and sit on my lap and tell me your name!" "Okay. My name is Johnny, sir." "That's a fine name you've got there, Johnny. Okay, Johnny. What do you want for Christmas?" "I want... I want... I wanna see a movie. A good movie." "Ho! Ho! Ho!" cried Santa. "Why, that shouldn't be too hard!" Santa reached deep down into his bag and pulled out several reels of film, carefully scrutinizing each one. "Ah," said Santa. "Here's a good flick. Wall Street, the new film by Oliver Stone of Platoon fame, opens in theatres everywhere December 11! It stars Michael Douglas as a corporate raider who convinces young stockbroker Charlie Sheen to get him inside information. Moral con- flicts abound!" Johnny frowned. He had been down that moral road before - he had seen Death of a Salesman twice - and frankly didn't want to go down it again. Damn his parents for dragging him to all those stupid moral- ity plays. And damn Santa for suggesting he had to sit through another one. "Uh-uh. No way, man." Little Johnny wanted to see a movie that would make his heart sing and his feet jump for joy and just make him feel good to be alive. "I know," said Santa Claus. "Bill Cosby has a new movie coming out - Leonard, Part 6, opening in theatres everywhere December 18!" Santa offered. "Cosby stars as a retired secret agent-turned-restaurateur who suddenly finds himself having to save the world from lobsters, frogs, and ostriches!" Now. Little Johnny was a lot of things, but a stupid little boy he was not. He had seen The Cosby Show before, and took great joy watching the Huxtable family and all the funny things they said and did. But then the show got high ratings and they started to wear designer clothes, and soon they weren't funny anymore. "Didn't Cosby go on Larry King and say the movie was a total piece of - " "In so many words." "Oh," moaned Johnny. "Do you ever imagine of faraway places and times?" Santa asked. "Sure," said Johnny. "Well, listen. There are two excellent films coming out in late De- cember and both are shot in the Far East: Steven Spielberg's Empire of the Sun and The Last Emperor. "Empire of the Sun, starring John Malkovich, is an epic drama set in World War II. It focuses on a little boy - just like you - who views the the adult world of war. And The Last Emperor, currently be- ing hailed by many as the best film of the year, is the true story of China's last emperor, Pu Yi, and his struggle between the old world and the new. It's not only great history, it's great entertainment." Johnny nodded his head. "Sounds interesting," he said. "When are they coming to Briarwood?" . Santa looked at his list of release dates. "Do your parents have a car?" "Yeah. Why?" "Because they'll have to drive you to Los Angeles or New York to see either one of them by 1988." Johnny started to cry. Bill Cosby leaves the Huxtable sitcom household for the leading role in 'Leonard Part 6.' Santa was getting frustrated. Everything he had offered to the little boy was getting shot down in a big way. There was one last reel of film in his bag. It was not a busy time of the day and Santa made sure no one was around when he pulled the reel out. "Do you like to laugh, little boy?" Santa asked. "Oh heavens, yes!" Santa leaned over and whispered in Johnny's ear, "Eddie Murphy: Raw." Johnny cringed. He had seen the comedian once before, on HBO, in his "Delirious" concert. One night when his parents were away, Johnny called up all of his friends and invited them over to the house to watch it. And no one laughed harder than Johnny. Problem was, the next day Johnny got up in front of his class and tried to be as funny as Eddie. It didn't work. And as his bare bottom was being beaten repeatedly, it oc- curred to him that yelling obscenities prefixed with "mother" were not as funny as he originally thought. "No thanks," Johnny said. "Well, Johnny. That's all I've got for now. I'm sorry. I'm not a miracle worker. You've got to take what's there and hope that by the time Oscar season rolls around, there'll be some highly entertaining pictures out there. But in the meantime, can I get you anything else?" Johnny thought about for a moment. "Yeah. I want a car. A good car." the T.M. The place for stereo 605 E. William, Ann Arbor I Charlie Sheen plays a young trader in Oliver Stone's 'Wall Street.' 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