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PERMIT NO. 1 3
Vol. INXS - No. Code Kopyright, Michigan Daily, 1986
Ninety-six years of leftist rhetoric
Something About Trees, Michigan - April Fools Day, 1986
The Front Page
Reagan
calls Ortega
'chip off the old block'
home these chips, these Ortega-brand to new administration spokesman Reaction in Congress was mixed
By MUCK RAKER tortilla chips, and they were nice and Kurt Muenchow, "those sons of bun- "Don't tell him. We're going to try t
Special to the Daily crusty... er... crunchy, just the way I nies." convince him that Bishop Tutu i
d.
o
s
WASHINGTON-President Reagan
reversed his policy on Nicaragua
yesterday, urging Congress to give the
Sandinista government $200 billion in
humanitarian aid.
Reagan, asked about the sudden
switch, said, "Well, Nancy brought
like my Froot Loops.Y
"ANY GUY who can make chips like
those just can't be a dictator," the
leader of the free world said.
When told that Nicaraguan
President Daniel Ortega does not
make tortilla chips, Reagan replied,
"There you go again," and muttered
Reagan was also asked about the
Sandinistas' alleged Marxist
leanipgs. "Well I know Harpo didn't
say much, but Groucho...I remember
one time, me and Joe McCarthy were
sitting around burning books, and
Groucho comes along..."
really an exiled Russian ballet star,"
said 'Sen. Edward (John and Rob's
brother) Kennedy.
Presidential hopeful Robert Dole
was vacationing on his pineapple
plantation and could not be reached
for comment.
See SENILITY, Page 1988
Reagan
...kills Commies
Ortega
...makes taco chips
New VP
Duderstadt
reveals
Kock
By MERKE COMMIE
In a surprise twist yesterday, new
Vice President for Academic Affairs,
James Duderstadt revealed that he is
*really MSA military researcher
Ingrid Kock.
Just after his/her/its nomination
was approved by the
Bored of Regents, Duder-
stadt...er...Kock ...er...the new vice
president ripped off her suit,
revealing a tye-dyed t-shirt and mood
beads.
"THERE will be no more research on
this campus," Kock proclaimed, as Regent
r Thomas Roach (D-Saline Solution)
screamed, "That's why we need a
code!"
But Regent Deane Baker (D-
Canterbury House) threw a
Nicaraguan Bag over his head, and
ripped off a mask of his own,
revealing a beard and a t-shirt saying
"No SDI research on campus."
"It was all a joke," he yelled. "All
that stuff about the Soviets taking
over Ann Arbor. You really didn't ex-
pect an intelligent man like me to
support Reagan did you? You know,
the Russians love their children too."
After several other regents sud-
denly began screaming that they were
the reincarnations of Trotsky, Lenin
and Stalin, the regents decided to
rename themselves the University of
MIchigan Revolutionary Council.
They immediately divested from com-
panies that do business with
anywhere bad.
See REVOLUTION, Page 1
Regents plan
I to revive Diag
-'Hash Bash'
'Everybody must get
a stoned, 'Neelsin says
h - M.- V
It's business as usual at the Diag (which was destroyed yesterday), as University engineer Toto D. Struction
takes an eye exam. Struction had helped build the 'Star Wars' shield which was guaranteed to be three times
more absorbant than the leading form of university protection.
Diag shocked b toxic shield
By ANITA BONGBITT
All eight members of the Univer-
sity's Board of Regents said yester-
day they plan to participate in the
previously defunct Hash Bash at noon
today on the diag.
The Hash Bash, which began April
1, 1972 to celebrate Ann Arbor's
lenient marijuana law, has dwindled
in popularity throughout the 1980s.
Last year, nobody showed up.
REGENT Thomas Roach (D-
Hicksville) said the regents plan to
revive the event by "getting totally
shitfaced, totally blown away."
"You just can't trust these college
students to carry out what I believe is
part of the University of Michigan's
tradition of excellence in all
areas-and that includes getting
stoned," said Roach, who made his
millions after inventing the roach
clip.
Regent Deane "Dino" Baker (R-
Ann Arbor), who once was a vocal op-
ponent of the city's $5 pot law, said he
changed his attitude when he
vacationed in Jamaica last year.
"That reggae music, mon," he said,
"it gets inside of you, and the ganja is
so cheap down there, mon."
BAKER declined to elaborate.
University President Harold
Shapiro, who said he is "a lot hipper
than people think I am," said he
hadn't heard about the regents' plans,
but added, "It sounds like a good idea
to me. It would probably loosen up a
few of them, especially Sarah
(Power)."
Shapiro said the move doesn't sur-
prise him, because the regents oc-
casionally smoke weed in their
"executive sessions," when the media
and general public are not allowed to
attend. Although the regents seems to
discuss things like personnel matters
and pending legal cases, they actually
ponder highly important matters, like
who will make a run to Taco Bell.
DIRECTOR of Campus Safety Leo
Heatley said security officials will
videotape the regents and follow them
home after the demonstration. "It's
just our standard procedure," he said.
"Anytime there might be protesters,
we like to be there in case something
happens."
Heatley added that he doesn't think
there will be any arrests, becuase
technically, the regents own all
University property, including
students and faculty.
Regent Kneel "Rasta" Neelsin (R-
Brighton) said he plans to attend the
bash because Ann Arbor is "so much
cooler" than Brighton. "You want to
talk dull? In Brighton, a crazy night
out is bowling and TV. Students don't
know how good they've got it," he
said. "Everybody must get stoned."
LSA Dean Peter Steiner said he
does not approve of the regents' plan.
"There's something about
marijuana," he said. "It gives me
gas, and it makes my glasses fog up."
Steiner said he may try to take advan-
tage of the regents' happy-go-lucky
mood today by trying to get them to
approve a $3 million plan to paint the
LSA Building dark brown.
"I think it would be more
dignified," he said.
By CLIFF PROTO
The University's recently-built
"Star Wars" defense shield went
beserk on the diag yesterday, killing
3,000 student protesters and leveling
the Graduate Library.
Spewing beams of space death, the
5,000 Gigawatt particle beam collap-
sed in a heap of failed technology,
shaking windows as far away as
Lawrence Livermore Labs in
Berkeley, Calif.
"IT WAS just a test-we'll get it right
next time," said electrical
engineering professor Theodore Bir-
dsall, who designed the $10 trillion
toy.
"If the students won't let us protect
them with a code, then, by gosh, we'll
just have to keep building defense
shields," said University President
Harold Shapiro. He then expressed his
"profound regret" for the victims,
who were incinerated into piles of
microdust.
Yesterday's tragedy had been
scheduled as ademonstration of the
first project completed under the
University's new classified research
guidelines. The guideines forbid all
research that does not pose a "direct
and violent threat to human life."
DR. JOSEPH Mengele, who succeeded
Prof. Phillip Converse as head of the
committee that changed the
guidelines, called yesterday's test a
successful demonstration of ad-
ministrative power against certain
unnamed leftist organizations.
"Zis weel be veddy effective against
zees people," said Mengele, once
thought to be killed on a safari in
South American.
When asked to comment on the new
guidelines, University Vice President
for Research Linda Wilson smiled,
went into her office, and closed the
door.
ISA debates doing nothing, can't decide
By SOME DEODORANT
The Michigan Student Assembly
debated for four hours last night
whether to pass a resolution resolving
to ban future resolutions. The matter
was left unresolved.
Outgoing Assembly President Paul
Josephson, who proposed the move,
complained that the dozens of
resolutions passed by the assembly
this year "have not accomplished cow
dung."
ITHAT'S the last time I'm ever talking to a
Daily reporter while I'm getting
laid," Josephson said afterwards.
Law school representative Eric "Be
it resolved" Schnaufer, who had
never failed to voice his opinion about
a proposed resolution, called the
measure a "Blatant political move."
by Josephson.
Schnaufer said Josephson "is just
trying to spoil my fun. Now what am I
going to do on Tuesday nights?
Study?"
SCHNAUFER further accused
Josephson of pushing for the
resolution in order to get home in time
to catch the second half of the NBS
televsion show the "A-Team."
During last night's episode, Mr. T.
'That's the last time I'm ever talking to a
Daily reporter while I'm getting laid.'
-Former MSA President Paul Josephson
(who thought he'd be an LSA representative)
mud which deluged the MSA offices
during last week's MSA elections.
Fortunately, none of the mud lan-
ded in any nearby University offices. -
"We're just thankful none of it lan-
ded over here in the Fleming (Ad-
ministration) Building," said Unvier-
sity President Harold Shapiro.
CANDIDATES from the "Penguin"
and "Granola" parties had traded
scathing accusations during the
recent MSA elections. 'Penguin' party
representatives originally accused
Granola candidates of trying to take
over the campus in a violent com-
munist revolution after four were
seen walking into a showing of the
Marx Brothers' "Duck Soup."
"We have a signed statement right
here from Jenifer Faigel that she and
Mark Weisbrot once were members of
the Harpo and Groucho Worker's Par-
ty in Nicaragua," said Penguin Kurt
Muenchow.
Granola candidates soon retaliated
by distributing a picture of Muenchow
inserting a live trout into his trousers.
Muenchow blasted the Granola Party
for "fish-baiting."
Independent candidate Ziggy over-
whelmingly won the election after
asserting that he liked neither
Groucho Marx nor John Lenin, and
opposed the cruel treatment of living
things, particularly those being put
inside Muenchow's trousers.
See FISH-BAITING, Page 3
and Ingrid Kock stopped the evil Dr.
Shapiro from unleashing the evil code
ray at a midwestern public university
for out-of-state students who can't get
into Harvard.
Assembly representatives gasped
as Schanufer hurled charges that
Josepheson is hopelessly addicted to
the program, and even pilphered MSA
funds to buy a VCR so he could watch
the show repeatedly.
LAST NIGHT'S meeting was held in,
the Pendleton Room of the Union, sin-
ce work crews are still cleaning up
TODAY-
Ciao, Babes
This is the last day of publication for The
Michigan Daily. After being abused and
unapprecated by everybody on campus,awe
nrP t~ak i mo nmcinea nd going home-
Ray who?
By the way
INSIDE
GRANOLA: Opinion attacks Donny Osmond as
fascist. See Page LOVE.
ENIGMATIC: Arts reviews the comeback of the
antithesis of esoteric disco. See Page HATE.
F or the first time in more than five years, political
science Prof. Raymond Tanter disappeared from
campus media this week. The controversial professor
The University Board of Regents yesterday passed
the code of non-academic conduct, banning speech
by all students except when spoken to, and then only
"yes, sir." MSA was unavailable because memhrs
I