w w w w
SOME PEOPLE do not care
about Kraft Creamy Cucumber
In fact, some people do not care at
all about the entire universe of salad
I feel sorry for these people.
The world of Creamy Cucumber
Dressing is, to the uninitiated, a
world of complexity, a world of
unresolved mystery, and questions,
thousands of questions.
Not long ago I was entirely
ignorant on the matter, but then I
noted that Kraft listed a toll free
number on the back of the label. It
read, "Questions or comments about
Kraft Creamy Cucumber Dressing?
Please call us toll free in the con-
tinental U.S. at."
And so this reporter, in disbelief
that Kraft had taken part of its
budget and used it for the altruistic
motive of educating people on salad
dressing, felt a telephone call to the
Creamy Cucumber Number was in
I dialed the toll-free number
(which can be found, incidentally,
on the back of the dressing bottle, for
those of you inclined to doubt the
existence of Salad Dressing
Specialists) and spoke at length with
a woman I will call Judy. What
follows is a non-fictional, condensed
version of my stimulating conver-
sation with Judy - The Creamy
Daily: Is this extension 4482, the
Creamy Cucumber Extension?
by Mike Fisch
Judy: Yes it is. This is Judy may I
D: Judy, I'm a man who loves
Creamy Cucumber Dressing, but I
want something more. I need some
variety. What's my next step?
Where do I go from here?
J: (pause) Well sir, that's a good
question. A lot of the choice depends
on personal taste. I can give you
some calorie information...
D: Can I ask you a question about,
say Thousand Island, or is this just
the Creamy Cucumber extension?
J: No sir, I am equipped to discuss
all of the Kraft Pourable Dressings.
At That point I didn't know what to
say. Not only was Judy
knowledgeable about Creamy
Cucumber whe was also a Pourable
Dressing Specialist. I mean the
whole line of dressings. Awestruck, I
thanked Judy and hung up.
While eating a salad a few days
later I noticed some thought
provoking information on the back
of the Creamy Cucumber bottle. It
read as follows:
(Creamy Cucumber Dressing) A
delicious and easy sauce for salmon
or tuna loaf. Great over fishsticks.
I was intrigued. What was a tuna
loaf? How was it made? The an-
swers to my questions were not far
away; surely Judy could shed some
light on the tuna loaf issue. And to
think a year ago answers to such
questions would have required hours
of tireless research. My second
(condensed) conversation with Judy
D: I quote from the back panel of
Kraft Creamy Cucumber Dressing.
"A delicious and easy sauce for
salmon or tuna loaf." Just what is
tuna loaf, Judy?
J: I think it's something like
J: Yes sir.
D: Can you be more specific? Can
you tell me how it's made?
J: No sir, I don't have that infor-
mation. I'll connect you with another
extension. They should be able to
And so Judy's knowledge of salad
dressing was finite. I had stumped
the expert. I completely understood,
however; surely more than one ex-
tension would be necessary to com-
bat the multitude of questions about
I could not wait to dig in.
Inside the large manilla envelope
from Kraft were the recipes,
calculated data sheets on the
pourable dressings, viscous
dressings, reduced calorie
dressings, as well as (to my sur-
prise) information on process
cheese, process cheese product, and
process cheese food. I had a virtual
encyclopedia of information right at
At once I began to memorize some
of the more interesting cheese facts.
Harvest Moon Brand Pasteurized
Process Cheese Loaf has but four
grams of fat per serving, for exam-
The information packet I received
only furthered my interest in all
things Kraft. Perhaps the Creamy
Cucumber woman could refer me to
the Pasteurized Process Cheese
Man. But certainly my fascination
with salad dressing had not dimmed.
I made another call to the 1-800
number. A different woman an-
swered this time. Let's call her
Daily: Could you please list off
your foreign dressings, Jane?
'At that point I didn't know what to say.
Not only was Judy knowledgeable about
Creamy Cucumber she was also a
pourable dressing specialist.'
Creamy Cucumber Dressing.
Seconds later I was speaking with
a woman in the Creamy Cucumber
Recipe Department. I presented the
same questions about tuna loaf
(again quoting the back of the bottle
so she wouldn't think me untutored
on the subject) and she answered
After searching her recipe file the
Creamy Cucumber woman found
seven recipes for me, one of which
was tuna salad loaf. The seven
recipes included such treats as "The
Big Dipper," "Hot Cabbage Salad,"
and "Salmon Loaf." In but two
weeks mailing time they would all
Jane: Surely, French, Russian,
Thousand Island, Italian...
D: That's quite a few alien
dressings. As a proud, red-blooded
American, I'm wondering - why no
American Dressing, Jane?
J: Well, specific names such as
Bacon and Tomato seem to catch on
more. There really wouldn't be
anything to distinguish one specific
dressing as theAmerican dressing.
D: When trying to fill a Salad
Dressing Specialist position, a
Creamy Cucumber extension person
for example, what kind of person
does Kraft look for?
J: We look for someone with good
communications skills, a quick lear-
ner, someone who keeps their cool
under pressure and has a good ear.
Not much is required educationally.
That's quite a surprise when one
considers the grueling two or three
month training sessions, which
probably separate the real pros
from the "salad is fun" types
within a week or two.
D: Could you refer me to someone
who can provide iformation about
J: I should be able to answer your
D: You know about cheesestoo?
J : Yes sir.
D: Well, that's strange, the
woman I spoke to before only knew
about salad dressing. At any rate,
you make a cheese called Golden
Image American Flavored
Imitation Pasteurized Process
Cheese Food. Personally, I'm
scared of any product where the
company has to tell you it's food. I
mean, shouldn't we just know that?
For instance, when you buy a steak
they don't have to write steak food.
J: That long name is necessary to
meet government standards.
D: 'A~e you sure it's not simply
to remind us that it is actually a food
after all those names?
J: That's not the intent at all sir.
D: Bottom line, Jane. Would you
feed it to your kids?
J: Perhaps if they were on a low
D: Will eating Golden Image give
me a bad image - like wearing
J: I don't think so sir...
Much of this article is dedicated to
discussion of the Creamy Cucumber
Extension. That doesn't seem fair.
Perhaps you are not a Creamy
Cucumber Fan. Who do you call?
Where do you turn when your Caesar
Salad has no zest? When your an-
tipasto isn't quite up to snuff? Bleu
Cheese lovers should ask for exten-
sion 4471. Taco dressing is exten-
sion 4433. As for you Buttermilk,
Bacon and Tomato, and Zesty
Italian people? Simply consult the
back of your salad dressing bottle.
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(Continued from Page 2)
establishing a scene. "L.A.'s always
been a melting pot for modern music.
For whatever reason, bands just end
up here," Orienza says, citing recent
Tuscon transplants Green on Red and
Milwaukee's Plasticland as examples
of L.A.'s homogenous nature.
"Another big reason is the media
exposure of a big city which adds to
the cross pollination of the scene by
attracting new acts," Orienza adds.
The success of the whole L.A. "paisley
underground" scene in L.A.,
showcasing such acts as the Three
O'Clock and Rain Parade, is largely
the result of "a combination of timing
and media exposure," according to
How much is really media? Scott
Vanderbilt, also of Enigma, main-
tains, "The so-called scenes are com-
plete myths,...completely contrived.
It's all media." He adds, "Anytime
you have a large metropolis or college
as a base, you're going to see some
sort of scene developing." And when
that scene is established, albeit with
plenty of media hype, "many bands
go to where the action is to get more
Vanderbilt stresses the media role
so much that he considers scenes more
as "self-fulfilling prophecies" than
true musical oases. Get a few bands
and somekcoverage, and, Bingo!,
people think you've got a scene and
the bands start flocking in.
Proof of this media role is as close
as your T.V. set. MTV's "The Cutting
Edge" travels from town to town with
some short-haired guy in a paisley
shirt, "uncovering" new music
scenes. Last month's feature was
about Austin Texas, and sure enough,
Zeitgeist, the local favorite there, has
already started touring in California
and beyond, with word from the
music wire saying, "Watch for
them." It's obvious that media can't
take all the credit, but, then again,
would you have heard of Zeitgeist
without MTV? Would you even know
there was a scene in Austin, and
what's more, would you really care?
Not to get too Andy Rooney, but is it
really worthy of the national ex-
Mike Rothchild, of Landslide
Records, thinks so. "They [MTV]
wouldn't have gone down there
without having something to sink
their teeth into," he says. The Athens-
based Landslide label handles both
Austin and Athens bands, like
Zeitgeist and Love Tractor, putting
Rothchild right in the heart of the new
music South. He thinks the scenes are
very real and de-emphasizes the role
of the media.
Rothchild cites music history and
college values as the inherent reasons
for the South's recent musical suc-
cess. "So much of the music after
World War II originated in the South,
like R and B explosions of the '40s
"Today's college kids draw on this
heritage, but are also willing to take
chances on new sounds," Rothchild
So, "There's something in the water
down there" might not be as prover-
bial and off-base as it sounds.
As for the actual mechanics of the
scenes, Rothchild sees' a more con-
crete trend. "Usually it takes one
band to kick off a scene, like the B-
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