COLUMN T T w w w w .. -- I A whole new S universe SOME PEOPLE do not care about Kraft Creamy Cucumber Dressing. In fact, some people do not care at all about the entire universe of salad dressings. I feel sorry for these people. The world of Creamy Cucumber Dressing is, to the uninitiated, a world of complexity, a world of unresolved mystery, and questions, thousands of questions. Not long ago I was entirely ignorant on the matter, but then I noted that Kraft listed a toll free number on the back of the label. It read, "Questions or comments about Kraft Creamy Cucumber Dressing? Please call us toll free in the con- tinental U.S. at." And so this reporter, in disbelief that Kraft had taken part of its budget and used it for the altruistic motive of educating people on salad dressing, felt a telephone call to the Creamy Cucumber Number was in order. I dialed the toll-free number (which can be found, incidentally, on the back of the dressing bottle, for those of you inclined to doubt the existence of Salad Dressing Specialists) and spoke at length with a woman I will call Judy. What follows is a non-fictional, condensed version of my stimulating conver- sation with Judy - The Creamy Cucumber Woman. Daily: Is this extension 4482, the Creamy Cucumber Extension? Catch of the Day by Mike Fisch P16 Judy: Yes it is. This is Judy may I help you? D: Judy, I'm a man who loves Creamy Cucumber Dressing, but I want something more. I need some variety. What's my next step? Where do I go from here? J: (pause) Well sir, that's a good question. A lot of the choice depends on personal taste. I can give you some calorie information... D: Can I ask you a question about, say Thousand Island, or is this just the Creamy Cucumber extension? J: No sir, I am equipped to discuss all of the Kraft Pourable Dressings. At That point I didn't know what to say. Not only was Judy knowledgeable about Creamy Cucumber whe was also a Pourable Dressing Specialist. I mean the whole line of dressings. Awestruck, I thanked Judy and hung up. While eating a salad a few days later I noticed some thought provoking information on the back of the Creamy Cucumber bottle. It read as follows: (Creamy Cucumber Dressing) A delicious and easy sauce for salmon or tuna loaf. Great over fishsticks. I was intrigued. What was a tuna loaf? How was it made? The an- swers to my questions were not far away; surely Judy could shed some light on the tuna loaf issue. And to think a year ago answers to such questions would have required hours of tireless research. My second (condensed) conversation with Judy follows. D: I quote from the back panel of Kraft Creamy Cucumber Dressing. "A delicious and easy sauce for salmon or tuna loaf." Just what is tuna loaf, Judy? J: I think it's something like meatloaf sir. D: Meatloaf? J: Yes sir. D: Can you be more specific? Can you tell me how it's made? J: No sir, I don't have that infor- mation. I'll connect you with another extension. They should be able to help. And so Judy's knowledge of salad dressing was finite. I had stumped the expert. I completely understood, however; surely more than one ex- tension would be necessary to com- bat the multitude of questions about I could not wait to dig in. Inside the large manilla envelope from Kraft were the recipes, calculated data sheets on the pourable dressings, viscous dressings, reduced calorie dressings, as well as (to my sur- prise) information on process cheese, process cheese product, and process cheese food. I had a virtual encyclopedia of information right at my fingertips. At once I began to memorize some of the more interesting cheese facts. Harvest Moon Brand Pasteurized Process Cheese Loaf has but four grams of fat per serving, for exam- ple. The information packet I received only furthered my interest in all things Kraft. Perhaps the Creamy Cucumber woman could refer me to the Pasteurized Process Cheese Man. But certainly my fascination with salad dressing had not dimmed. I made another call to the 1-800 number. A different woman an- swered this time. Let's call her Jane. Daily: Could you please list off your foreign dressings, Jane? 'At that point I didn't know what to say. Not only was Judy knowledgeable about Creamy Cucumber she was also a pourable dressing specialist.' Creamy Cucumber Dressing. Seconds later I was speaking with a woman in the Creamy Cucumber Recipe Department. I presented the same questions about tuna loaf (again quoting the back of the bottle so she wouldn't think me untutored on the subject) and she answered them happily. After searching her recipe file the Creamy Cucumber woman found seven recipes for me, one of which was tuna salad loaf. The seven recipes included such treats as "The Big Dipper," "Hot Cabbage Salad," and "Salmon Loaf." In but two weeks mailing time they would all be mine. Jane: Surely, French, Russian, Thousand Island, Italian... D: That's quite a few alien dressings. As a proud, red-blooded American, I'm wondering - why no American Dressing, Jane? J: Well, specific names such as Bacon and Tomato seem to catch on more. There really wouldn't be anything to distinguish one specific dressing as theAmerican dressing. D: When trying to fill a Salad Dressing Specialist position, a Creamy Cucumber extension person for example, what kind of person does Kraft look for? J: We look for someone with good communications skills, a quick lear- ner, someone who keeps their cool under pressure and has a good ear. Not much is required educationally. That's quite a surprise when one considers the grueling two or three month training sessions, which probably separate the real pros from the "salad is fun" types within a week or two. D: Could you refer me to someone who can provide iformation about cheeses? J: I should be able to answer your question sir. D: You know about cheesestoo? J : Yes sir. D: Well, that's strange, the woman I spoke to before only knew about salad dressing. At any rate, you make a cheese called Golden Image American Flavored Imitation Pasteurized Process Cheese Food. Personally, I'm scared of any product where the company has to tell you it's food. I mean, shouldn't we just know that? For instance, when you buy a steak they don't have to write steak food. J: That long name is necessary to meet government standards. D: 'A~e you sure it's not simply to remind us that it is actually a food after all those names? J: That's not the intent at all sir. D: Bottom line, Jane. Would you feed it to your kids? J: Perhaps if they were on a low cholesterol diet. D: Will eating Golden Image give me a bad image - like wearing polyester? J: I don't think so sir... Much of this article is dedicated to discussion of the Creamy Cucumber Extension. That doesn't seem fair. Perhaps you are not a Creamy Cucumber Fan. Who do you call? Where do you turn when your Caesar Salad has no zest? When your an- tipasto isn't quite up to snuff? Bleu Cheese lovers should ask for exten- sion 4471. Taco dressing is exten- sion 4433. As for you Buttermilk, Bacon and Tomato, and Zesty Italian people? Simply consult the back of your salad dressing bottle. RALPH'S MARKET The Mini-Mart Where you buy smart FOOTBALL SPECIALS Kegs of Beer our keg prices meet or beat any in town and Party Trays for 8 or more only 48 hr. notice, please 709 PACKARD Open 10 am. - 12 a.m. Sun.-Th. 10 a.m. -12 a.m. F.-Sat. Football Saturday hrs. 8a.m. - 2a.m. HARRY'S ARMY SURPLUS NEW WOOL PEACOATS Sale Price $64.98 reg. $78.98 Price good thru Oct. 3, 1985 201 E. 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For whatever reason, bands just end up here," Orienza says, citing recent Tuscon transplants Green on Red and Milwaukee's Plasticland as examples of L.A.'s homogenous nature. "Another big reason is the media exposure of a big city which adds to the cross pollination of the scene by attracting new acts," Orienza adds. The success of the whole L.A. "paisley underground" scene in L.A., showcasing such acts as the Three O'Clock and Rain Parade, is largely the result of "a combination of timing and media exposure," according to Orienza. How much is really media? Scott Vanderbilt, also of Enigma, main- tains, "The so-called scenes are com- plete myths,...completely contrived. It's all media." He adds, "Anytime you have a large metropolis or college as a base, you're going to see some sort of scene developing." And when that scene is established, albeit with plenty of media hype, "many bands go to where the action is to get more interest." Vanderbilt stresses the media role so much that he considers scenes more as "self-fulfilling prophecies" than true musical oases. Get a few bands and somekcoverage, and, Bingo!, people think you've got a scene and the bands start flocking in. Proof of this media role is as close as your T.V. set. MTV's "The Cutting Edge" travels from town to town with some short-haired guy in a paisley shirt, "uncovering" new music scenes. Last month's feature was about Austin Texas, and sure enough, Zeitgeist, the local favorite there, has already started touring in California and beyond, with word from the music wire saying, "Watch for them." It's obvious that media can't take all the credit, but, then again, would you have heard of Zeitgeist without MTV? Would you even know there was a scene in Austin, and what's more, would you really care? Not to get too Andy Rooney, but is it really worthy of the national ex- posure? Mike Rothchild, of Landslide Records, thinks so. "They [MTV] wouldn't have gone down there without having something to sink their teeth into," he says. The Athens- based Landslide label handles both Austin and Athens bands, like Zeitgeist and Love Tractor, putting Rothchild right in the heart of the new music South. He thinks the scenes are very real and de-emphasizes the role of the media. Rothchild cites music history and college values as the inherent reasons for the South's recent musical suc- cess. "So much of the music after World War II originated in the South, like R and B explosions of the '40s and'50s." "Today's college kids draw on this heritage, but are also willing to take chances on new sounds," Rothchild explains. So, "There's something in the water down there" might not be as prover- bial and off-base as it sounds. As for the actual mechanics of the scenes, Rothchild sees' a more con- crete trend. "Usually it takes one band to kick off a scene, like the B- (, GIANELLI S 213 S. FOURTH AVE. 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