9
0
0
lest of What Isn't
Best Fun
Now that you've seen the best of what Ann Arbor has to offer, it's time
to take a look at the best of what Ann Arbor doesn't have. There are many,
many things that Ann Arbor doesn't have, like waterfalls, the world's
largest sponge, Komodo Dragons, and Joan Collins. Without question, the
presence of any of these things would impact our day-to-day experiences
immeasurably. There is a significance in nonexistence, and herewith we
present the best, or most significant, of those items that no longer exist,
should exist, or aid us by their absence.
Best Nonexistent Bar
Joe's Star Lounge
Yeah, it's getting to be a cliche', but
what are we gonna do without the
Lounge's genial art-drecko ambience. I
have sincere hopes for a speedy re-
opening in a new location, but at-
mosphere takes a while to develop,
grafitti must accumulate, paint must
chip. Somehow a new Joe's frightens
me, then again, where are we gonna see
those medium-sized bands?
Best Nonexistent
Monolithic Object
The Orgasmatron
You know, the big thing in the now-
defunct Simulation Station that looked
like a reject from Flesh Gordon. Sure,
they said there were movies ap-
proximating Flight on the inside, but
we all knew better. Also, had it ever
worked, who could have resisted the
Robot War game witht he quasi-R2D2's
that seemed designed to hurl balls at
one another?
Best Nonexistent
Arcade
Flippers
Sure, the place was cramp
and covered with ugly post
there was a time when it na
new games before any of the
cades. Beyond that, Flipper
price-buster. Who can fo
amazing ten-tokens-for-a-bu
Student-I.D.-deal? The tok
worked in the machines over a
Rat's, which only gave you ej
buck, not that I'd ever consi
something unethical just to sav
cents. Not me. No, sir.
Video Best Non-existent Gover-
nmental Facility
The Secretary of State's Office
ad, dingy, Here's a news bulletin for those of you
ters, but who are Michigan drivers about to turn
ebbed the tw enty. There isn't a Secretary of a -oh ra a S a e s O f c n t e b i d n e t t
other ar- Stt's Offie in thet buildingnext to
r's wthe Rick's American Cafe anymore. Last
rge-with- time I was there, though, there was a
ick-with~ note, explaining that for the sake of
ens even convenience, the office had moved out
at Mickey near Meijer's. It is a long, dangerous
ight for a bike ride. It is an expensive bus ride.
der doing And parking, another reason cited for
ve twenty the move, is irrelevant to most residen-
ts of the campus area, and there is a
.mm _ _:i.
-d - 1%,
-qw- -mm- -Iqlmp-
- pl- w W -W.- w- w qw
I
huge parking structure on the same
block! Students need driver's licenses,
but they don't necessarily have cars.
The Secretary of State's insensitivity to
this fact and the office's flight from the
down-town area have created a major
inconvenience, and the old branch is
sorely missed.
Best Nonexistent Bookstore
Follet's
I will miss it because it had mailing
pouches. Now Kresge's has a monopoly
onthem. Bizarre cut-outkrecordseand
bargain-basement books were a
pleasant diversion as well. It sure
would be nice if Joe managed to get his
hands on it, though. It would be an ex-
cellent spot for a new Star Lounge.
Best Nonexistent Weird
Place
Make Waves
Where else would a display window
feature "The Adventures of Barbie in
Space"? At its peak, Make Waves was
a great alternative record store,
crashin' fashion depot, and source of
obscene things. Its decline was sad-
dening, and the help will be sorely
missed.
Best Nonexistent Band
Civilian Fun Group
The last show was a depraved
college, filled with tumult, genial
violence, and silly wigs. Now there
isn't a good stage-dive-inducing band in
this town, and Lord knows, every town
needs one.
Best Nonexistent Thing
To Drink or Put Fish Into
Clean Water
When is this town going to get water
that won't make goldfish float? Gold-
fish are water experts. They immerse
themselves in it. If they can't use city
water, I'm inclined to trust their
judgment.
Best Nonexistent Food In
Campus Groceries
Meat
I applaud vegetarian morality, but
let's fact it, meat's a good source of
protein, and some of it does taste good.
Where's the beef?
Best Nonexistent Flavor
Of Ice Cream
Daiquiri Ice
Not really ice creanbut it was the only
blue food I ever ate with relish. C'mon
Baskin Robbins, you can't hook us and
cut us off cold turkey. Got any tubs
stashed in the back room?
Best Nonexistent Sticky
Thing
The Twenty Cent Stamp
Remember the good old days when
one could trot down to the front desk
and five stamps fit into a dollar so
nicely? Bring a dime now, sucker.
Best Nonexistent Bargain
Dollar Night at'the Movies
The Ann Ar~bor Theater backed off
buck night for the big films, the State
dispensed with it altogether, the Cam-
pus discounts Wednesday afternoons.
C'mon guys. Tuesday night means
cheap movies.
Best Nonexistent Way to
Watch a Double Feature
Uninterrupted
I know the campus movie collectives
face a price dilemma, but having to
wait for a lone student to snatch tickets
one-by-one from a packed auditorium is
a real pain. The honor system might
work better.. If we must be subjected to
the two-ticket system, then starting
times should be adjusted for the fifteen-
to-twenty minute pause that gathering
necessitates.
Best Nonexistent
Political Ideology
The Radical Left
Yeah, I know. You're still out there,
but not like you were. It's not your
fault, really. Big Chills, Big Brother.
Funny, though. The problems are get-
ting bigger.
Best Nonexistent Excuse
To Smoke Dope
The Hash bash
This past April 1st was a nasty, cold
windy day, but it would have been nice
to see a few die-hards sitting cross-
legged on the Diag, stoned out of their
minds.
Best Nonexistent Dive
Orange Julius
I have no question in my mind that
this classic collegiate rathole would
have been a prime contender in the
Best Place To Go When You're Drunk
category, had it not met an untimely
demise. Ugly yellow and orange decor
enticed you to a variety of food sub-
stitutes, all of which seemed to be
petroleum by-products. I'll never
forget my sampling of the beverage
that gave its name to the store. I think
flecks of it are still clinging to my win-
dpipe.
Best Nonexistent Record
Store
Where House
Not a great, but Where House had
character. The paintings of all the rock
greats always slowed my trip down the
stairs, and the prices sometimes un-
dercut everybody else. It's also nice to
see a new record store that isn't afraid
to sell used records and cut-outs right
by the entrance, as if to say, "See if this
isn't a better deal than the new stuff we
have." Then again, maybe that's why
they ain't there anymore.
Best Nonexistent Place
To Buy Clove Cigarettes
A-Square Tobacconists
For those that needed bizarre foreign
things to smoke, this place was a
regular stop.
Best Nonexistent Sports
Innovation
The Forward Pass
Every year we hear that this amazing
football weapon will be incorporated in-
to the Wolverine offense. Every year
it's up-the-middle, option, sweep, kick.
Modern college football demands a
balanced attack. Does Anthony Carter
have a younger brother?
Best Nonexistent Security
Devices
Locks on the green bikes
This amazingly clever and generous
idea is a convenience for the bikeless,
and a necessity for potential rape vic-
tims late at night. Community
cooperation will keep the green mon-
sters on campus for everybody.
Weekend associate editor John Logie
devised this list of the nonexistent.
IN
GREATEST CHINESE RESTAURANT
IN ANN ARBOR!
4
4
4
I"
I
*Exquisite SOUPS, APPETIZERS,
and SPECIALTIES
*CARRY-OUT from a
Large Menu, 668-6638
Y
Z X
.Z
A o
a L3
so.
a COD
it Z
oC
iN
W
cr.
I
7 Days a Week'
332 S. Main St.
Downtown
Ann Arbor
-dm- -.0I
-.AMw w w Wf W-M W W- w Wt M. W -dm- MW W W
22 Weekend/Friday, April 19, 1985
Weekend/I