9 0 0 lest of What Isn't Best Fun Now that you've seen the best of what Ann Arbor has to offer, it's time to take a look at the best of what Ann Arbor doesn't have. There are many, many things that Ann Arbor doesn't have, like waterfalls, the world's largest sponge, Komodo Dragons, and Joan Collins. Without question, the presence of any of these things would impact our day-to-day experiences immeasurably. There is a significance in nonexistence, and herewith we present the best, or most significant, of those items that no longer exist, should exist, or aid us by their absence. Best Nonexistent Bar Joe's Star Lounge Yeah, it's getting to be a cliche', but what are we gonna do without the Lounge's genial art-drecko ambience. I have sincere hopes for a speedy re- opening in a new location, but at- mosphere takes a while to develop, grafitti must accumulate, paint must chip. Somehow a new Joe's frightens me, then again, where are we gonna see those medium-sized bands? Best Nonexistent Monolithic Object The Orgasmatron You know, the big thing in the now- defunct Simulation Station that looked like a reject from Flesh Gordon. Sure, they said there were movies ap- proximating Flight on the inside, but we all knew better. Also, had it ever worked, who could have resisted the Robot War game witht he quasi-R2D2's that seemed designed to hurl balls at one another? Best Nonexistent Arcade Flippers Sure, the place was cramp and covered with ugly post there was a time when it na new games before any of the cades. Beyond that, Flipper price-buster. Who can fo amazing ten-tokens-for-a-bu Student-I.D.-deal? The tok worked in the machines over a Rat's, which only gave you ej buck, not that I'd ever consi something unethical just to sav cents. Not me. No, sir. Video Best Non-existent Gover- nmental Facility The Secretary of State's Office ad, dingy, Here's a news bulletin for those of you ters, but who are Michigan drivers about to turn ebbed the tw enty. There isn't a Secretary of a -oh ra a S a e s O f c n t e b i d n e t t other ar- Stt's Offie in thet buildingnext to r's wthe Rick's American Cafe anymore. Last rge-with- time I was there, though, there was a ick-with~ note, explaining that for the sake of ens even convenience, the office had moved out at Mickey near Meijer's. It is a long, dangerous ight for a bike ride. It is an expensive bus ride. der doing And parking, another reason cited for ve twenty the move, is irrelevant to most residen- ts of the campus area, and there is a .mm _ _:i. -d - 1%, -qw- -mm- -Iqlmp- - pl- w W -W.- w- w qw I huge parking structure on the same block! Students need driver's licenses, but they don't necessarily have cars. The Secretary of State's insensitivity to this fact and the office's flight from the down-town area have created a major inconvenience, and the old branch is sorely missed. Best Nonexistent Bookstore Follet's I will miss it because it had mailing pouches. Now Kresge's has a monopoly onthem. Bizarre cut-outkrecordseand bargain-basement books were a pleasant diversion as well. It sure would be nice if Joe managed to get his hands on it, though. It would be an ex- cellent spot for a new Star Lounge. Best Nonexistent Weird Place Make Waves Where else would a display window feature "The Adventures of Barbie in Space"? At its peak, Make Waves was a great alternative record store, crashin' fashion depot, and source of obscene things. Its decline was sad- dening, and the help will be sorely missed. Best Nonexistent Band Civilian Fun Group The last show was a depraved college, filled with tumult, genial violence, and silly wigs. Now there isn't a good stage-dive-inducing band in this town, and Lord knows, every town needs one. Best Nonexistent Thing To Drink or Put Fish Into Clean Water When is this town going to get water that won't make goldfish float? Gold- fish are water experts. They immerse themselves in it. If they can't use city water, I'm inclined to trust their judgment. Best Nonexistent Food In Campus Groceries Meat I applaud vegetarian morality, but let's fact it, meat's a good source of protein, and some of it does taste good. Where's the beef? Best Nonexistent Flavor Of Ice Cream Daiquiri Ice Not really ice creanbut it was the only blue food I ever ate with relish. C'mon Baskin Robbins, you can't hook us and cut us off cold turkey. Got any tubs stashed in the back room? Best Nonexistent Sticky Thing The Twenty Cent Stamp Remember the good old days when one could trot down to the front desk and five stamps fit into a dollar so nicely? Bring a dime now, sucker. Best Nonexistent Bargain Dollar Night at'the Movies The Ann Ar~bor Theater backed off buck night for the big films, the State dispensed with it altogether, the Cam- pus discounts Wednesday afternoons. C'mon guys. Tuesday night means cheap movies. Best Nonexistent Way to Watch a Double Feature Uninterrupted I know the campus movie collectives face a price dilemma, but having to wait for a lone student to snatch tickets one-by-one from a packed auditorium is a real pain. The honor system might work better.. If we must be subjected to the two-ticket system, then starting times should be adjusted for the fifteen- to-twenty minute pause that gathering necessitates. Best Nonexistent Political Ideology The Radical Left Yeah, I know. You're still out there, but not like you were. It's not your fault, really. Big Chills, Big Brother. Funny, though. The problems are get- ting bigger. Best Nonexistent Excuse To Smoke Dope The Hash bash This past April 1st was a nasty, cold windy day, but it would have been nice to see a few die-hards sitting cross- legged on the Diag, stoned out of their minds. Best Nonexistent Dive Orange Julius I have no question in my mind that this classic collegiate rathole would have been a prime contender in the Best Place To Go When You're Drunk category, had it not met an untimely demise. Ugly yellow and orange decor enticed you to a variety of food sub- stitutes, all of which seemed to be petroleum by-products. I'll never forget my sampling of the beverage that gave its name to the store. I think flecks of it are still clinging to my win- dpipe. Best Nonexistent Record Store Where House Not a great, but Where House had character. The paintings of all the rock greats always slowed my trip down the stairs, and the prices sometimes un- dercut everybody else. It's also nice to see a new record store that isn't afraid to sell used records and cut-outs right by the entrance, as if to say, "See if this isn't a better deal than the new stuff we have." Then again, maybe that's why they ain't there anymore. Best Nonexistent Place To Buy Clove Cigarettes A-Square Tobacconists For those that needed bizarre foreign things to smoke, this place was a regular stop. Best Nonexistent Sports Innovation The Forward Pass Every year we hear that this amazing football weapon will be incorporated in- to the Wolverine offense. Every year it's up-the-middle, option, sweep, kick. Modern college football demands a balanced attack. Does Anthony Carter have a younger brother? Best Nonexistent Security Devices Locks on the green bikes This amazingly clever and generous idea is a convenience for the bikeless, and a necessity for potential rape vic- tims late at night. Community cooperation will keep the green mon- sters on campus for everybody. Weekend associate editor John Logie devised this list of the nonexistent. IN GREATEST CHINESE RESTAURANT IN ANN ARBOR! 4 4 4 I" I *Exquisite SOUPS, APPETIZERS, and SPECIALTIES *CARRY-OUT from a Large Menu, 668-6638 Y Z X .Z A o a L3 so. a COD it Z oC iN W cr. I 7 Days a Week' 332 S. Main St. Downtown Ann Arbor -dm- -.0I -.AMw w w Wf W-M W W- w Wt M. W -dm- MW W W 22 Weekend/Friday, April 19, 1985 Weekend/I