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Vol. VIVIVI, No. 6 Kopyrite 1985, Midnite Michigan Daily Star Land of the Lost - Almost April 1, 1985 Non-cents 666 pages
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ooziNG S LAIM Artist's drawing
University President Harold Shapiro (right) nervously chats with a slimy alien thing yesterday. Shapiro was abducted
on his way home from U-Club after some beers and a few Bahama Mamas.
Hal
nabbed
on
U
1
way
home
By THE WAY
Telling of a culture without conduct
codes and regents meetings, Univer-
sity President Harold Shapiro yester-
day recounted his bizarre kidnapping at
the hands of a band of ruthless ex-
traterrestrial marauders.
The incident began last Friday as
Shapiro made his way home from Hap-
py Hour at the U-Club, he told reporters
at a press conference in the Ypsilanti
State Mental Hospital.
"BILLY (FRYE) and I had a few
beers and a couple of Bahama Mamas
after work-nothing out of control," he
said nervously, pausing between
thoughts.
"I was ringing the doorbell at my
house-I forgot my key-when sud-
denly; a flying saucer began to hover
from
-Club
'I'm lucky to be alive.'
-University President
Harold Shapiro
ofie-h icvrdtepeiet
near Viv's window," he said.
The next few hours, Shapiro says,
were only a blur.
"I remember confronting a large
green alien and being taken aboard
their ship, but the rest is lost from my
memory."
Campus security found Shapiro lying
naked on his front lawn about 11 p.m.
Friday night and immediately took him
into protective custody.
MARION DELGADO , the securtiy
officer who discovered the president,
said Shapiro was weeping and
whispering "there's no place like home,
there's no place like home."
Still, the incident has local authorities
baffled. There were no otper sightings
of UFOs that night, but officials have no
idea what happened to Shapiro between
the time he left happy hour and when
security found him later that night.
See CREATURE, Page 666
Murdoch adds Daily to his
-LSA dean sees
future using his
psychic powers
lst of
By REDD INK
In a bold, stupid move,
magnate Rupert Murdoch
bought The Michigan Dail
parent company for well ove
Charles Eisendrath, chair
Board for Student Publicati
engineered the deal when D
in chief Neil Chase refused
story of Eisendrath's. "I pu
and soul into that story," CI
CHASE, REACHED byi
sleazy publications
would have let him. I didn't know it coming presidential compaign.
meant so much to him." Chase than Reactions among Daily staff writes
publishing farted, giggled, and jumped out the ranged from jubilation to drunke
yesterday window, euphoria.
y from its Murdoch vowed to "make some ' Sean Lible, who covers the Michiga
r$100. changes" at the financially troubled Student Assembly for the Daily, sail
man of the student newspaper, and started out by "If this means we're going to ri
ons, said he hiring perennial candidate Paul Jensen revealing photos of (MSA Presiden
aily editor as managing editor. Scott Page, I quit."
to print a As soon as the deal was announced, But Suzie Typoas, the Daily's sorori
t my heart Jensen held a press conference to reporter, said she thought the sale w
huck ksaid discuss the editorial changes that will wise. "It's neat," she said. "I ju
undercover be made. "I plan to fire all Daily repor- know Rupie will let me cover thek
n Ypsilanti ters who insist on covering all that Delt formal next week. that's the ki
"If Chuck boring regents stuff. Now we'll have of story we really, really need."
ek Week, I good stories-like about sex and my up- See SENSATIONAL, Page, Scott
rs
.en
,an
:d,
un
nt)
ity
as
ust
Phi
ind
By CAT BARF '
For years it has been believed that
the most powerful committee in LSA is
the Executive Committee, but the Daily
learned yesterday of the secret Steiner
Seance Committee.
Using the high resolution telescope
atop Angell Hall, the Daily determined
that all the associate deans and their
secretaries marched into Steiner's of-
fice. The group encircled the dean, sit-
ting in a yoga position on his desk
staring into a crystal ball. They all sat
on the floor and began swaying back
and forth, chanting "he, he, ho, ho, tell
us the answers Peter O."
AT THAT POINT Steiner stared hard
through his 10 inch thick 1940s glasses
into his LSA crystal ball. "I can see in-
to the future," moaned Steiner. "It is
1990, I'm the President of the Univer-
sity and I have eliminated that subver-
sive pain in the ass student
newspaper."
"Yes, almighty P.O.," respond the
deans and secretaries, speaking as one.
"I have the answer to the
demographics problem," he continues.
"At my first regents meeting, I
dissolve the board and announce the
elimination of every department on
campus except communications. Then
I'll move the University to a nice small
town in the middle of nowhere . .
"But where? But where?" mumbled
the associate deans, "Wait, its coming
in slowly," murmurs Steiner. "I
knbw-Oberlin, Ohio!" he exclaims.
"But what about our research your
immenseness?"' wonder the deans.
'Do they have electricity in Oberlin,"
ask the secretaries. "Will we be able to
use our IBMs there?"
"Ah, my children, the new 'U' will be
founded on a new principle. The un-
dergraduate will be the most impor-
tant!" Steiner explains. "How
revolutionary," the swaying mass said.
See HERE, Page 69
.r " Daily report
Murdoch State Menta
... buys the farm really wante
Reagran, Gorb
By SEK SCHUEL
GENEVA-Arms talks with the Soviet Union may
no longer be necessary, according to our sources in
Geneva, Switzerland. Friday afternoon, at ap-
proximately 5:33 (Swiss time), President Ronald
Reagan held a secret, unnannounced summit
meeting with new Soviet premier Mikhail Gor-
bachev, in a popular Geneva nightspot called
Valerie's, which was holding a two-for-one drink
special "Happy Hour." Such Happy Hour specials
have not been banned in Geneva as they have in some
parts of the United States.
According to a source close to the president, who
asked not to be identified (although his real name is
George Bush), Reagan and Gorbachev agreed to hold
the informal summit one week before Gorbachev was
named as the successor to Constantine Chernenko,
who died recently. "Gorby knew Chernenko was
gonna kick the bucket, and he knew he'd be the new
ters in his ward i
1 Hospital, said,
ed to cover Gre
- - -
I
4!
atches get
head honcho," said Bush, interview
Nicaragua.
"HE KNEW President Reagan
drinking man, and he wanted to see
drink him. It's as simple as that."
According to Bush, Reagan and
flew in to Geneva early Friday afte
sent their wives out shopping, so they
bar, talk man to man, and get waste
According to Red Smith, an Ame
as a bouncer at Valerie's, the tw
superpowers came in together, ac
Secret Service or KGB officers. "T
when they come in, and Reagan sa
man, watch for assholes wearing
stripes and carrying Uzi automatics
in.' And he hands me a fifty.
"THEY SAT down at the bar, and
Whiskey 'til about midnight. At a
tanked, party ard
ed on a beach in they announced that the U.S. and the Ruskies was
gonna be friends from now on. Then they bought a
n was an Irish round for the h'ouse. I had a Kamikazi and a Black
e if he could out- Russian."
Vice-President George Bush confirmed Smith's
Gorbachev both story. "Well, the President didn't want me to come
ernoon, and then along, but I wanted to, so I dressed in a 'Mr. T'
y could "go to the costume, and sat at the next table. I heard
d as shit." everything. The President and Mr. Gorbachev
rican who works agreed to assume a friendly, 'drinking buddies'
o leaders of the relationship, and to dismantle all of the missiles we
companied by no have aimed at each other.
hey was laughin' "They basically decided that it's stupid for us to
ys to me, 'Young have all these weapons pointed at each other, when it
sunglasses, pin- would be so easy to team up and beat the-shit out of all
s. Don't let them the little punks that make up the rest of the world.
"I heard Ron say, 'Let's blast hell out of the
drank Vodka and Japanese!' Then Gorby laughed and said, in that ac-
bout ten o'clock, cent of his, 'Okay, but must to blow up China too!"'
TODAY
Blue babies
Richard Hertz is already on the look-out for tiny-tot football
gear for the two boys, who will participate in practices with
the team this summer. Bo expects the Maize n' Blue twins
will need some time to get used to the rigors of varsity
training, but he's very optimistic. "They'll be ready all
right. I feed them steak-sometimes they choke, but I let
them work that out for themselves. When you play for me
you've got to be strong, independent..." A lot of you might
Rapids),yesterday announced an expansion of the Univer-
sity's broadcasting programs. According to Seguine, both
he and the regents of the University felt the money was in
cable television, and they quickly agreed to let him add a
few cable television stations to his responsibilities. Since I
got here in January, I have felt that this was the way to go,
Seguine said. While University sources were being rather
mum about the exact nature of the programming, saying
to the tune of California Girls, chosen because it has that
Beach Boy-wavy sound.
On the inside .. .
The Opinion Page continues its knee-jerk, commie editor-
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