EVE Lan a tig VLQ Vol. VIVIVI, No. 6 Kopyrite 1985, Midnite Michigan Daily Star Land of the Lost - Almost April 1, 1985 Non-cents 666 pages I PYNG SAuc R . SCAt~ t iov >o OF TOW#N..- ac " TH REE P t I SgtF10 , ooziNG S LAIM Artist's drawing University President Harold Shapiro (right) nervously chats with a slimy alien thing yesterday. Shapiro was abducted on his way home from U-Club after some beers and a few Bahama Mamas. Hal nabbed on U 1 way home By THE WAY Telling of a culture without conduct codes and regents meetings, Univer- sity President Harold Shapiro yester- day recounted his bizarre kidnapping at the hands of a band of ruthless ex- traterrestrial marauders. The incident began last Friday as Shapiro made his way home from Hap- py Hour at the U-Club, he told reporters at a press conference in the Ypsilanti State Mental Hospital. "BILLY (FRYE) and I had a few beers and a couple of Bahama Mamas after work-nothing out of control," he said nervously, pausing between thoughts. "I was ringing the doorbell at my house-I forgot my key-when sud- denly; a flying saucer began to hover from -Club 'I'm lucky to be alive.' -University President Harold Shapiro ofie-h icvrdtepeiet near Viv's window," he said. The next few hours, Shapiro says, were only a blur. "I remember confronting a large green alien and being taken aboard their ship, but the rest is lost from my memory." Campus security found Shapiro lying naked on his front lawn about 11 p.m. Friday night and immediately took him into protective custody. MARION DELGADO , the securtiy officer who discovered the president, said Shapiro was weeping and whispering "there's no place like home, there's no place like home." Still, the incident has local authorities baffled. There were no otper sightings of UFOs that night, but officials have no idea what happened to Shapiro between the time he left happy hour and when security found him later that night. See CREATURE, Page 666 Murdoch adds Daily to his -LSA dean sees future using his psychic powers lst of By REDD INK In a bold, stupid move, magnate Rupert Murdoch bought The Michigan Dail parent company for well ove Charles Eisendrath, chair Board for Student Publicati engineered the deal when D in chief Neil Chase refused story of Eisendrath's. "I pu and soul into that story," CI CHASE, REACHED byi sleazy publications would have let him. I didn't know it coming presidential compaign. meant so much to him." Chase than Reactions among Daily staff writes publishing farted, giggled, and jumped out the ranged from jubilation to drunke yesterday window, euphoria. y from its Murdoch vowed to "make some ' Sean Lible, who covers the Michiga r$100. changes" at the financially troubled Student Assembly for the Daily, sail man of the student newspaper, and started out by "If this means we're going to ri ons, said he hiring perennial candidate Paul Jensen revealing photos of (MSA Presiden aily editor as managing editor. Scott Page, I quit." to print a As soon as the deal was announced, But Suzie Typoas, the Daily's sorori t my heart Jensen held a press conference to reporter, said she thought the sale w huck ksaid discuss the editorial changes that will wise. "It's neat," she said. "I ju undercover be made. "I plan to fire all Daily repor- know Rupie will let me cover thek n Ypsilanti ters who insist on covering all that Delt formal next week. that's the ki "If Chuck boring regents stuff. Now we'll have of story we really, really need." ek Week, I good stories-like about sex and my up- See SENSATIONAL, Page, Scott rs .en ,an :d, un nt) ity as ust Phi ind By CAT BARF ' For years it has been believed that the most powerful committee in LSA is the Executive Committee, but the Daily learned yesterday of the secret Steiner Seance Committee. Using the high resolution telescope atop Angell Hall, the Daily determined that all the associate deans and their secretaries marched into Steiner's of- fice. The group encircled the dean, sit- ting in a yoga position on his desk staring into a crystal ball. They all sat on the floor and began swaying back and forth, chanting "he, he, ho, ho, tell us the answers Peter O." AT THAT POINT Steiner stared hard through his 10 inch thick 1940s glasses into his LSA crystal ball. "I can see in- to the future," moaned Steiner. "It is 1990, I'm the President of the Univer- sity and I have eliminated that subver- sive pain in the ass student newspaper." "Yes, almighty P.O.," respond the deans and secretaries, speaking as one. "I have the answer to the demographics problem," he continues. "At my first regents meeting, I dissolve the board and announce the elimination of every department on campus except communications. Then I'll move the University to a nice small town in the middle of nowhere . . "But where? But where?" mumbled the associate deans, "Wait, its coming in slowly," murmurs Steiner. "I knbw-Oberlin, Ohio!" he exclaims. "But what about our research your immenseness?"' wonder the deans. 'Do they have electricity in Oberlin," ask the secretaries. "Will we be able to use our IBMs there?" "Ah, my children, the new 'U' will be founded on a new principle. The un- dergraduate will be the most impor- tant!" Steiner explains. "How revolutionary," the swaying mass said. See HERE, Page 69 .r " Daily report Murdoch State Menta ... buys the farm really wante Reagran, Gorb By SEK SCHUEL GENEVA-Arms talks with the Soviet Union may no longer be necessary, according to our sources in Geneva, Switzerland. Friday afternoon, at ap- proximately 5:33 (Swiss time), President Ronald Reagan held a secret, unnannounced summit meeting with new Soviet premier Mikhail Gor- bachev, in a popular Geneva nightspot called Valerie's, which was holding a two-for-one drink special "Happy Hour." Such Happy Hour specials have not been banned in Geneva as they have in some parts of the United States. According to a source close to the president, who asked not to be identified (although his real name is George Bush), Reagan and Gorbachev agreed to hold the informal summit one week before Gorbachev was named as the successor to Constantine Chernenko, who died recently. "Gorby knew Chernenko was gonna kick the bucket, and he knew he'd be the new ters in his ward i 1 Hospital, said, ed to cover Gre - - - I 4! atches get head honcho," said Bush, interview Nicaragua. "HE KNEW President Reagan drinking man, and he wanted to see drink him. It's as simple as that." According to Bush, Reagan and flew in to Geneva early Friday afte sent their wives out shopping, so they bar, talk man to man, and get waste According to Red Smith, an Ame as a bouncer at Valerie's, the tw superpowers came in together, ac Secret Service or KGB officers. "T when they come in, and Reagan sa man, watch for assholes wearing stripes and carrying Uzi automatics in.' And he hands me a fifty. "THEY SAT down at the bar, and Whiskey 'til about midnight. At a tanked, party ard ed on a beach in they announced that the U.S. and the Ruskies was gonna be friends from now on. Then they bought a n was an Irish round for the h'ouse. I had a Kamikazi and a Black e if he could out- Russian." Vice-President George Bush confirmed Smith's Gorbachev both story. "Well, the President didn't want me to come ernoon, and then along, but I wanted to, so I dressed in a 'Mr. T' y could "go to the costume, and sat at the next table. I heard d as shit." everything. The President and Mr. Gorbachev rican who works agreed to assume a friendly, 'drinking buddies' o leaders of the relationship, and to dismantle all of the missiles we companied by no have aimed at each other. hey was laughin' "They basically decided that it's stupid for us to ys to me, 'Young have all these weapons pointed at each other, when it sunglasses, pin- would be so easy to team up and beat the-shit out of all s. Don't let them the little punks that make up the rest of the world. "I heard Ron say, 'Let's blast hell out of the drank Vodka and Japanese!' Then Gorby laughed and said, in that ac- bout ten o'clock, cent of his, 'Okay, but must to blow up China too!"' TODAY Blue babies Richard Hertz is already on the look-out for tiny-tot football gear for the two boys, who will participate in practices with the team this summer. Bo expects the Maize n' Blue twins will need some time to get used to the rigors of varsity training, but he's very optimistic. "They'll be ready all right. I feed them steak-sometimes they choke, but I let them work that out for themselves. When you play for me you've got to be strong, independent..." A lot of you might Rapids),yesterday announced an expansion of the Univer- sity's broadcasting programs. According to Seguine, both he and the regents of the University felt the money was in cable television, and they quickly agreed to let him add a few cable television stations to his responsibilities. Since I got here in January, I have felt that this was the way to go, Seguine said. While University sources were being rather mum about the exact nature of the programming, saying to the tune of California Girls, chosen because it has that Beach Boy-wavy sound. On the inside .. . The Opinion Page continues its knee-jerk, commie editor- .I I I I I