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Ninety-one Years of
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Teargas Showers
Cloudy today, especially
near the Diag, where a
Columbian high should
prevail. Beer bottle and
teargas showers follow
towards evening,
Page 12 Wednesday, April 1, 1981 The Michigan Daily
Budget- cutting
Regents
agree to eliminate
LSA
for the College of Engineering as soon
as he takes office. Both additions, he
claims, will further the revenue-
producing goals of the University.
By BILLY FRIED
The Regents, approving a recom-
mendation from the Budget Priorities
Committee, unanimously voted yester-
day to discontinue the College of
Literature, Science and the Arts.
The surprise move came after the
BPC privately submitted the recom-
mendation to the Regents late last
week. "It would have caused a needless
stir if we had made the recommen-
dation public," said Regent Nellie Var-
ner.
BPC CHAIRMAN Robert Craig ex-
plained the committee's recommen-
dation. "We were sitting in a meeting
early in March discussing possible
money-saving cuts. In frustration, I
jokingly proposed eliminating LSA. Af-
ter a moment, it dawned on us that it
was the most practical choice."
The committee passed the motion
unanimously, touting it as the final
budget-cutting step necessary for at
least the remainder of the semester.
"Now we can go back to our real jobs,"
said one faculty member.
The Regents were reportedly pleased
with the idea. "What better way to meet
the 'smaller but better" manifesto?
Those BPC People are brilliant," said
Regent Tom Roach.
REGENT DEANE' BAKER was
equally pleased. "The BPC members
are amohg the few people who under-
stand that students are here to support
the research function of the Univer-
sity," he said. "It's about time we star-
ted putting our major interests in
revenue-producing units."
A dazed LSA Dean John Knott was
unavailable for comment, although
several students reported seeing him
purchase a case of Wild Turkey bour-
bon at Campus Corners and speed away
from town. University President
Harold Shapiro said that he "would like
to take a long look at the situation, to
assess the entire spectrum," before
commenting on the LSA elimination.
Other sections of the University
lauded the action. Engineering Dean-
designate James "Wunderkind"
Duderstadt, who reportedly seconded
the motion for discontinuance, said the
action would be a boon to the nation as
well as the University. "Who needs
liberal arts anyway?" he asked. "With
the world situation the way it is,
America can use all the engineers it
can get."
Duderstadt is presently working on a
draft for the formation of a College of
Sciences. He announced his intent to
create a defense research department
In a goodwill gesture that he hopes will symbolize his reign at the Vatican,
Pope John Paul II began distributing babies yesterday to infertile Catholic
couples from all over the world. Thousands of excited husbands and wives
crowded Vatican City to receive the first shipment of babies, cheering the
pontiff as he carefully placed the once unwanted infants into open arms.
PLEADS 'SOR TA' CUIL T Y:
Canham in jail
for trespassing
tops nab Sec. Haig for
attacking English language
By THE WAY
Michigan Athletic Director Don
Canham was arrested at the offices of
The Michigan Daily last night following
his unsuccessful attempt to gain ac-
cess to a Daily sports staff meeting.
Canham and a pair of "bodyguards"
marched down to the Daily last night
with the intention of expressing their
frustration at the Daily's tendency to
portray the Athletic Director as a cold-
hearted, tight-fisted businessman.
~"WHAT GIVES YOU guys the right
wto print the truth?" Canham wailed, as
the Daily .sports staff looked on in
astonishment. "Besides, I'm
changing," he maintained. "Just last
week, I took the locks off of the water
fountains down at Matt Mann Pool. I
decided that it would be a smart in-
vestment after I noticed the water level
in the pool dropping following each
swim practice."
"We defend justice here," Daily spor-
ts editor Stank McNamara proclaimed
proudly. "We don't intend to ruin
anyone's life. Maybe a career or two ..."
"Well, it's time you changed your
policies," Canham retorted. "You see,
these fellas know how to handle people
like you," he said, nodding at the pair of
6-5, 260-pound goons flanking him.
"They've stepped on higher forms of
life than you." (Canham then tried to
spit at McNamara for effect, but it just
drooled on his chin.) "Tell him, boys."
"WHAT?" CRIED the goon on the
left. "We were just on our way to
Dooley's when you gave us five bucks
each to come in here with you ..."
Seconds later, three Ann Arbor police
officers arrived at the scene. "What's
all the commotion about here?" one of
them inquired.
"I want this man arrested," Mc-
Namara said, pointing to the Athletic
Director.
"I WANT THESE guys to quit writing
bad things about me," Canham said.
"I want a beer," the Goon on the left
said.
The police proceeded to handcuff
Canham and escort him from the
meeting.
Canham reportedly had also been
unhappy about recent Daily criticism of
women's basketball coach Gloria
Soluk. "She's a good person," Canham
was overheard mumbling at the cour-
thouse. "Besides, she always lets me go
in the locker room and congratulate the
girls after they win."
See GROWN MAN CRY, Comic section
O Out,
as coach
By OSCAR MADISON
In an unexpected move, Michigan
Athletic Director Don Canham announ-
ced yesterday that he was dumping
football coach Bo Schembechler and
hiring ex-Ohio State coach Woody
Hayes as his replacement.
"Let's face it, Bo just isn't that hot as
a coach," said Canham. "It took him
eleven years before he finally won a
damn Rose Bowl game. Woody's a
great coach, and all the folks up here
love him. He'll be great!"
Hayes assumed control of the team at
practice yesterday, and, in a rare out-
burst, ripped up all the yard markers,
punched the team's official
photographer, and gave defensive back
Keith Bostic a bloody nose after he in-
tercepted a pass on a play that Woody
called.
"It feels great to be back in the saddle
again," said the new Wolverine mentor.
"This is the job I've always wanted. Ac-
tually, I've always hated OSU and loved
Michigan."
Schembechler was in surprisingly
good spirits after being notified by
Canham. "I guess I had it coming,"
said Schembechler. "Woody's a much
better coach than me, and he'll do a
great job."
Schembechler also said that he will
accept a post as the assistant punt
return coach at Slippery Rock. "The
Rock is a great school, and I'm really
lucky I got such a good job with them,"
he said.
By EARLY and SAVE
Secretary of State Alexander Haig
was arrested yesterday on the charge
of assaulting the English language with
intent to commit murder.
District of Columbia police ap-
prehended Haig outside the Capitol
Building minutes after he had met with
the Senate Foreign Relations Commit-
tee. During his address to the commit-
tee, Haig "made repeated attempts to
harm the language, with an apparent
determination to destroy it com-
pletely," according to Police Chief
Ralph Walker.
AFTER BEING released on personal
recognizance, Haig told reporters that
the charges are "gross fictations."
"I am disbeliefed by these counter-
expeditious - and obstructionary
maltruths that have been directed at
me," Haid said angrily. Claiming that
"e longations of linguistic perimeters"
are a legal and acceptable practice in
his profession, Haig denied that he is
"culpable of any bellicostic or vendet-
tisse attempts to benign the ver-
"The charges are gross
fictations."
--Secretary of State
A lexander Haig
nacular."
"WE HAVE BEEN observing
Secretary Haig for some time now,"
Walker said, "and we have determined
that his actions constitute a grave
threat to the security of the language,
and ultimately to the citizens who speak
that language." He added that Haig's
verbal violations "were beginning to
spread to his colleagues in the State
Department, the Congress, and the
White House, and some of his fellow
diplomats abroad."
Reaction around the nation was
mixed, with broad support for the Haig
arrest being expressed from linguists,
grammarians, and left-leaning Senate
Democrats. Just 30 minutes after Haig
was apprehended, Police Chief Walker
reportedly received a dozen roses from
journalists Edwin Newman and
William Safire.
See STARS, next week
SNOR TS OF THE DAIL Y:
Knight-Martin bout set for Superdome
NEW ORLEANS (AP)-Fight promoter Don King
announced yesterday that Indiana basketball coach
Bobby Knight and Oakland A's manager Billy Martin
will meet in a scheduled 10-round middleweight bout
later this month at the New Orleans Superdome.
THEY WANT TO decide once and for all who the
toughest coach in the-country is," said King.
Knight, currently 15-0 as a pro, last fought LSU
basketball fan Louis Bonnecaze and won by a TKO in
the first round. "I'm sick and tired of hearing Martin
shoot off his big mouth," said the Hoosier coach. "I'm
gonna smash his face in. Anyone who played baseball
has to be a sissy, anyway." .
Fun on the Diag
ITH THE COMING OF Spring, campus
takes a turn for the better as the flay
demonstrators, musicians, Hare Krishna
shippers, skateboarders, and what have
takes hold in the Diag. What fun we've al
denouncing nuclear energy and cursing Communists
way home for lunch, even if we didn't mean it. And w
pleasure it is to see a wandering minstrel play his
psichord for you for free. Well, two events will be It
place this week to take advantage of the bustling Di
Martin has an impressive 27-0 record-25 by
knockout-and is looking forward to the fight. "I'm
gonna do to Knight the same thing I did to that mar-
shmellow salesman," said the fiery Martin.
Quotas set fr cagers
ALBEQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) - An Albequerque
judge ruled yesterday that high school basketball
teams in that city must be racially and ethnically
balanced.
The judge, Vladimir Kolonowski, ruled that high
school basketball teams in Albequerque must be
composed of at least three whites, three blacks, two
jews, one chicano, one native American, half an
oriental, and half an Arab. Area high school teams
have until next season to meet these requirements.
KOLONOWSKI ADDED that combinations of these
quotas can be used to meet the ruling.
"If you've got a kid with a black father and an
oriental mother, that would fulfill the oriental quota
and leave the team two-and-a-half short on the black
quota,' the judge said.
Area high school coaches were vehemently op-
posed to the plan.
"What is this guy?" said Gil Thorpe, coach of-
Ajibequerque West High School. "I mean, what the
hell is this three blacks quota? I think that's going a
little far. It's just not the American way."
Robbery of the high seas
A wayward U.S. Navy ship seeking a cheaper fill turned land-lubber yester-
day to avoid the higher fuel prices of its native environment. Threatening the
attendant with armed cannons, the boat made off with an undetermined
amount of stolen fuel.
their own cause or a political issue of some kind, will simply
their own cause or a political issue of same kind, will simply
chant obscene slogans at the Spartacus Youth League. [
Madcap .camp us atics
They say that college students will do the wildest things.
Right here in Ann Arbor, it seems, some of the most riotous
collegiate craziness takes place every weekend, and you
never know what will happen next. Just last weekend in
South Quad, according to several residents, a gang of six
Kelsey house buddies waged a fierce, well-attended
An MSA referendum
The Michigan Student Assembly has announced that
along with the upcoming officer elections, a second cam-
pus-wide vote will be held. On his ballot, students will be
asked, "Do you really think, when it comes right down to it,
that MSA is worth its weight in sheep dung?" Current
President Marc Breakstone said that the results will be
considered"with some seriousness"when MSA begins a 10
year self-evaluation beginning in May. Q
in the Admissions Office, incoming male students will be
expected to stand no taller than five-foot-seven while
females will have to stop growing at five-foot-four to gain
preferential admissions treatment. Administrators hope to
meet their goal of a 25 percent short freshman class
through vigorous recruitment efforts this summer. "The
economic benefits will be substantial," Admissions Coun-
selor Eleanor Hendershot said. "Mattresses and beds for the
residence halls will cost less bacuse they'll be smaller.
Food costs will be cut in half by the reduced intake. The
possibilities are endless."
On the Inside
"Witticisms" offends the entire human race on the
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