Iraq, Iran kiss and make up See P'age 11 B. r Ninety-one Years of Editorial Permissiveness. £IJ*IiLiLi- A. aiu lii aug Teargas Showers Cloudy today, especially near the Diag, where a Columbian high should prevail. Beer bottle and teargas showers follow towards evening, Page 12 Wednesday, April 1, 1981 The Michigan Daily Budget- cutting Regents agree to eliminate LSA for the College of Engineering as soon as he takes office. Both additions, he claims, will further the revenue- producing goals of the University. By BILLY FRIED The Regents, approving a recom- mendation from the Budget Priorities Committee, unanimously voted yester- day to discontinue the College of Literature, Science and the Arts. The surprise move came after the BPC privately submitted the recom- mendation to the Regents late last week. "It would have caused a needless stir if we had made the recommen- dation public," said Regent Nellie Var- ner. BPC CHAIRMAN Robert Craig ex- plained the committee's recommen- dation. "We were sitting in a meeting early in March discussing possible money-saving cuts. In frustration, I jokingly proposed eliminating LSA. Af- ter a moment, it dawned on us that it was the most practical choice." The committee passed the motion unanimously, touting it as the final budget-cutting step necessary for at least the remainder of the semester. "Now we can go back to our real jobs," said one faculty member. The Regents were reportedly pleased with the idea. "What better way to meet the 'smaller but better" manifesto? Those BPC People are brilliant," said Regent Tom Roach. REGENT DEANE' BAKER was equally pleased. "The BPC members are amohg the few people who under- stand that students are here to support the research function of the Univer- sity," he said. "It's about time we star- ted putting our major interests in revenue-producing units." A dazed LSA Dean John Knott was unavailable for comment, although several students reported seeing him purchase a case of Wild Turkey bour- bon at Campus Corners and speed away from town. University President Harold Shapiro said that he "would like to take a long look at the situation, to assess the entire spectrum," before commenting on the LSA elimination. Other sections of the University lauded the action. Engineering Dean- designate James "Wunderkind" Duderstadt, who reportedly seconded the motion for discontinuance, said the action would be a boon to the nation as well as the University. "Who needs liberal arts anyway?" he asked. "With the world situation the way it is, America can use all the engineers it can get." Duderstadt is presently working on a draft for the formation of a College of Sciences. He announced his intent to create a defense research department In a goodwill gesture that he hopes will symbolize his reign at the Vatican, Pope John Paul II began distributing babies yesterday to infertile Catholic couples from all over the world. Thousands of excited husbands and wives crowded Vatican City to receive the first shipment of babies, cheering the pontiff as he carefully placed the once unwanted infants into open arms. PLEADS 'SOR TA' CUIL T Y: Canham in jail for trespassing tops nab Sec. Haig for attacking English language By THE WAY Michigan Athletic Director Don Canham was arrested at the offices of The Michigan Daily last night following his unsuccessful attempt to gain ac- cess to a Daily sports staff meeting. Canham and a pair of "bodyguards" marched down to the Daily last night with the intention of expressing their frustration at the Daily's tendency to portray the Athletic Director as a cold- hearted, tight-fisted businessman. ~"WHAT GIVES YOU guys the right wto print the truth?" Canham wailed, as the Daily .sports staff looked on in astonishment. "Besides, I'm changing," he maintained. "Just last week, I took the locks off of the water fountains down at Matt Mann Pool. I decided that it would be a smart in- vestment after I noticed the water level in the pool dropping following each swim practice." "We defend justice here," Daily spor- ts editor Stank McNamara proclaimed proudly. "We don't intend to ruin anyone's life. Maybe a career or two ..." "Well, it's time you changed your policies," Canham retorted. "You see, these fellas know how to handle people like you," he said, nodding at the pair of 6-5, 260-pound goons flanking him. "They've stepped on higher forms of life than you." (Canham then tried to spit at McNamara for effect, but it just drooled on his chin.) "Tell him, boys." "WHAT?" CRIED the goon on the left. "We were just on our way to Dooley's when you gave us five bucks each to come in here with you ..." Seconds later, three Ann Arbor police officers arrived at the scene. "What's all the commotion about here?" one of them inquired. "I want this man arrested," Mc- Namara said, pointing to the Athletic Director. "I WANT THESE guys to quit writing bad things about me," Canham said. "I want a beer," the Goon on the left said. The police proceeded to handcuff Canham and escort him from the meeting. Canham reportedly had also been unhappy about recent Daily criticism of women's basketball coach Gloria Soluk. "She's a good person," Canham was overheard mumbling at the cour- thouse. "Besides, she always lets me go in the locker room and congratulate the girls after they win." See GROWN MAN CRY, Comic section O Out, as coach By OSCAR MADISON In an unexpected move, Michigan Athletic Director Don Canham announ- ced yesterday that he was dumping football coach Bo Schembechler and hiring ex-Ohio State coach Woody Hayes as his replacement. "Let's face it, Bo just isn't that hot as a coach," said Canham. "It took him eleven years before he finally won a damn Rose Bowl game. Woody's a great coach, and all the folks up here love him. He'll be great!" Hayes assumed control of the team at practice yesterday, and, in a rare out- burst, ripped up all the yard markers, punched the team's official photographer, and gave defensive back Keith Bostic a bloody nose after he in- tercepted a pass on a play that Woody called. "It feels great to be back in the saddle again," said the new Wolverine mentor. "This is the job I've always wanted. Ac- tually, I've always hated OSU and loved Michigan." Schembechler was in surprisingly good spirits after being notified by Canham. "I guess I had it coming," said Schembechler. "Woody's a much better coach than me, and he'll do a great job." Schembechler also said that he will accept a post as the assistant punt return coach at Slippery Rock. "The Rock is a great school, and I'm really lucky I got such a good job with them," he said. By EARLY and SAVE Secretary of State Alexander Haig was arrested yesterday on the charge of assaulting the English language with intent to commit murder. District of Columbia police ap- prehended Haig outside the Capitol Building minutes after he had met with the Senate Foreign Relations Commit- tee. During his address to the commit- tee, Haig "made repeated attempts to harm the language, with an apparent determination to destroy it com- pletely," according to Police Chief Ralph Walker. AFTER BEING released on personal recognizance, Haig told reporters that the charges are "gross fictations." "I am disbeliefed by these counter- expeditious - and obstructionary maltruths that have been directed at me," Haid said angrily. Claiming that "e longations of linguistic perimeters" are a legal and acceptable practice in his profession, Haig denied that he is "culpable of any bellicostic or vendet- tisse attempts to benign the ver- "The charges are gross fictations." --Secretary of State A lexander Haig nacular." "WE HAVE BEEN observing Secretary Haig for some time now," Walker said, "and we have determined that his actions constitute a grave threat to the security of the language, and ultimately to the citizens who speak that language." He added that Haig's verbal violations "were beginning to spread to his colleagues in the State Department, the Congress, and the White House, and some of his fellow diplomats abroad." Reaction around the nation was mixed, with broad support for the Haig arrest being expressed from linguists, grammarians, and left-leaning Senate Democrats. Just 30 minutes after Haig was apprehended, Police Chief Walker reportedly received a dozen roses from journalists Edwin Newman and William Safire. See STARS, next week SNOR TS OF THE DAIL Y: Knight-Martin bout set for Superdome NEW ORLEANS (AP)-Fight promoter Don King announced yesterday that Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight and Oakland A's manager Billy Martin will meet in a scheduled 10-round middleweight bout later this month at the New Orleans Superdome. THEY WANT TO decide once and for all who the toughest coach in the-country is," said King. Knight, currently 15-0 as a pro, last fought LSU basketball fan Louis Bonnecaze and won by a TKO in the first round. "I'm sick and tired of hearing Martin shoot off his big mouth," said the Hoosier coach. "I'm gonna smash his face in. Anyone who played baseball has to be a sissy, anyway." . Fun on the Diag ITH THE COMING OF Spring, campus takes a turn for the better as the flay demonstrators, musicians, Hare Krishna shippers, skateboarders, and what have takes hold in the Diag. What fun we've al denouncing nuclear energy and cursing Communists way home for lunch, even if we didn't mean it. And w pleasure it is to see a wandering minstrel play his psichord for you for free. Well, two events will be It place this week to take advantage of the bustling Di Martin has an impressive 27-0 record-25 by knockout-and is looking forward to the fight. "I'm gonna do to Knight the same thing I did to that mar- shmellow salesman," said the fiery Martin. Quotas set fr cagers ALBEQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) - An Albequerque judge ruled yesterday that high school basketball teams in that city must be racially and ethnically balanced. The judge, Vladimir Kolonowski, ruled that high school basketball teams in Albequerque must be composed of at least three whites, three blacks, two jews, one chicano, one native American, half an oriental, and half an Arab. Area high school teams have until next season to meet these requirements. KOLONOWSKI ADDED that combinations of these quotas can be used to meet the ruling. "If you've got a kid with a black father and an oriental mother, that would fulfill the oriental quota and leave the team two-and-a-half short on the black quota,' the judge said. Area high school coaches were vehemently op- posed to the plan. "What is this guy?" said Gil Thorpe, coach of- Ajibequerque West High School. "I mean, what the hell is this three blacks quota? I think that's going a little far. It's just not the American way." Robbery of the high seas A wayward U.S. Navy ship seeking a cheaper fill turned land-lubber yester- day to avoid the higher fuel prices of its native environment. Threatening the attendant with armed cannons, the boat made off with an undetermined amount of stolen fuel. their own cause or a political issue of some kind, will simply their own cause or a political issue of same kind, will simply chant obscene slogans at the Spartacus Youth League. [ Madcap .camp us atics They say that college students will do the wildest things. Right here in Ann Arbor, it seems, some of the most riotous collegiate craziness takes place every weekend, and you never know what will happen next. Just last weekend in South Quad, according to several residents, a gang of six Kelsey house buddies waged a fierce, well-attended An MSA referendum The Michigan Student Assembly has announced that along with the upcoming officer elections, a second cam- pus-wide vote will be held. On his ballot, students will be asked, "Do you really think, when it comes right down to it, that MSA is worth its weight in sheep dung?" Current President Marc Breakstone said that the results will be considered"with some seriousness"when MSA begins a 10 year self-evaluation beginning in May. Q in the Admissions Office, incoming male students will be expected to stand no taller than five-foot-seven while females will have to stop growing at five-foot-four to gain preferential admissions treatment. Administrators hope to meet their goal of a 25 percent short freshman class through vigorous recruitment efforts this summer. "The economic benefits will be substantial," Admissions Coun- selor Eleanor Hendershot said. "Mattresses and beds for the residence halls will cost less bacuse they'll be smaller. Food costs will be cut in half by the reduced intake. The possibilities are endless." On the Inside "Witticisms" offends the entire human race on the ia a i i i