OPINION
Page 4
It's 1
o'clock
Tuesday, March 3, 1981-
Time
The Michigan Daily
for my
daily fix
I've finally decided to come out of the closet.
If Devon can find the inner courage to admit
her alcoholism after trying to commit suicide
(because she left little Bonnie unattended
;during one of her drunken stupors), then I can
admit to my own addiction.
I ... I ... Iaman.. . "All My Children"
Witticisms
By Howard Witt
junkie. There-I said it. The monkey is off my
back.
Well, not yet.
I'VE BEEN WATCHING Devon, who is just
one of the nearly 50 characters on the ABC-TV
soap opera, for almost four years. I never
really liked her very much, and I always felt
sorry for Wally, who had to marry her when
-she got pregnant with little Bonnie after only
one passionate evening. Wally had to quit
school at Yale and start to support his
young family by doing odd jobs, and Devon,
that insatiable harlot, started an affair with
Sean behind Wally's back, and. . . well, I don't
mean to get too far into this. Sffice it to say
that I hoped Devon would actually succeed in
her suicide attempt.
OH, HOW TERRIBLE, you exclaim. He
really wanted that poor, misguided girl to jump
to her death from a 12th-story hospital window.
Whatever could have possessed him to be so
cruel?
"All My Children" has possessed me. And
now, after more than a thousand episodes, I'm
reaching out for help. Alcoholics suffer from
cirrhosis, heroin addicts from hepatitis. I'm
developing mush on the brain.
It all started one spring day in my junior year
in high school. It was a Friday afternoon, and I
had been home with the flu. All week I had
managed to avoid the television set during
those deadly afternoon. hours between
"Password" and "The 3 O'Clock Movie." But
not this day. This day I couldn't sleep, couldn't
read, couldn't eat. I had no choice but to switch
on the TV.
ONE LITTLE SOAP opera couldn't hurt, I
assured myself.
I happened onto "Another World." And ever
since that fateful day, I've been on the edge of
night, searching for tomorrow, trying to find
the guiding light in my one life to live in these
days of our lives. I'm ready to check into
General Hospital.
"Another World" quickly lost its cosmic
qualities, as the impotent husbands and
cheating wives rapidly grew stale.
"Why don't you try something a little
heavier?" a friend urged. "Go beyond 'Another
World' and try 'Ryan's Hope.' "
LIKE A FOOL, I took his advice, not noticing
that his eyes were always a little glazed and he
spoke in a constant monotone. After a few
weeks, even "Ryan's Hope," with its Carib-
bean gun runners and drug smugglers, could
not satisfy me. I had developed a tolerance for
it; I needed something with a stronger kick. I
went back to my glassy-eyed friend.,
"Try 'All My Children,' " he suggested.
"Oh, I don't think I'm ready for the hard
stuff," I quivered.
"C'mon, what are ya, chicken?" he taunted.
"Look at me. I've been watching 'All My
Children' for years and I'm all right."
"Oh, yeah?" I squinted. "How come you're
always wearing long-sleeve shirts, even in
summer? You're trying to cover up your ....
"Chuck and Tara tattoo," he interrupted. "I
ran out and got it right after they were
married."
I GAVE IN to his slick urgings. And he was
right-"All My Children" was an intense trip.
When they lengthened it to an hour, I thought I
would die of an overdose of ecstasy.
But I've paid a high price for my addiction.
When I was a freshman at the University, I
didn't have a TV of my own. I had to deal with
all sorts of unsavory characters to get my daily
fix.
I've had to pass up countless interesting
courses at CRISP because they were offered at
that precious "All My Children" hour-1-2 p.m.
I've stared at millions of tampon commer-
cials, seen thousands of baby bottoms in diaper
ads, and sat through hundreds of plugs for floor
cleaners.
AND, WORST OF all, I've had to endure the
cruel, heartless character changes, when ac-
tors leave the show and new ones suddenly ap-
pear without any warning. They've had three
Wallys in just one year. And when I tuned in
one day to find they had switched Bennys on
me, I thought I was living through Kafka's
Metamorphosis.
Sure, I've tried to break my habit on my own.
I tried going cold turkey a few months back by
not watching "All My Children" for a whole
week. But I couldn't stand the agony. I rushed
out on Sunday morning to buy a newspaper and
frantically tore open the entertainment section
to the soap opera synopses.
I even tried a kind of methadone-
maintenance program by watching "Dallas"
for a few weeks, but it didn't work. My body
craved Erica and Palmer and Donna and
Phoebe and Leora...
I know I need help badly. I really want to
break my ugly addiction. Last week I started
going to meetings of "All My Children
Anonymous," and believe me, that was no easy
task. They meet every afternoon during "All
My Children."
Which at least gives me time to get home and
catch "As The World Turns."
Howard Witt is a Daily staff writer.
His column appears every Tuesday.
Edited and managed by students at The University of Michigan
Feiffer
Vol. XCI, No. 122
420 Maynard St.
Ann Arbor, MI 48109
A ~tZ'AR
A1J MrA
Editorials represent a majority opinion of the Daily's Editorial Board
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MSU's
THE DECISION TO c
colleges at Michig
University clearly illust
potential magnitude of Presi
Mackey's "financial crisis" 1
MSU's Select Advisory C
has presented Mackey wit
calling for the elimination 4
stitution's College of Nursin
of Urban Development, Lym
College, James Madison Co
School of Social Work..
Sources say the Mackey h
okayed these cuts. Now, a
needed is a wave of MSU's
Trustees hand, and four co
one school will be the victi
budget cutter's ax.
As a result of these cuts,
70 tenured professors may
(jobs. Such a rash act is certa
.a deterrent to MSU's acaden
in the future. It is doubtfu
professors will flock to an
where tenure has little effi
security.
chopping block
lose four It is unfortunate MSU has chosen
an State to overreact to the state's current
rates the financial woes in such a fashion. True,
ident Cecil cuts must be made in the state's
powers. colleges and universities, but MSU's
.ommittee quick-acting, wholesale cuts are no an-
th a plan swer to these fiscal woes.
of that in- The decision to cut entire schools and
g, College colleges is not one that can be made in
Aan Briggs a matter of a few short weeks or even
llege, and months; and by no means should such
as already a decision be made by one individual.
all that is These kinds of drastic cuts must be
Board of made only after careful planning and
lleges and observation from several groups-in-
ims of the cluding students, faculty, and ad-
ministrators. MSU's frightened rabbit
more than approach to a short term problem will
lose their only severely damage the university in
in to prove the long run.
nic quality The MSU Board of Trustees should
1 top-level reject this outlandish budget-hacking
institution proposal in order to preserve the long-
ect on job range academic quality of the univer-
sity in East Lansing.
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LETTERS TO THE DAILY:
Anti-Cuban terrorism in the U. S.
To the Daily:
With all the talk about inter-
national terrorism, it is in-
teresting to note that the new
secretary of state has been com-
pletely silent about the terrorist
activities of Cuban exiled groups
here in the United States. The
assassination of the Cuban
diplomat, Felix Garcia, last fall
occurred in New York City, not
Tehran.
Although the act was
repudiated by the entire inter-
national community and a speedy
investigation was demanded by
the United Nations, to date there
have been no indictments or
arrests.
Secretary of State Haig has
also failed to account for the up-
swing in Cuban exiled terrorist
activities in the last year and a
half. Omega 7, the terrorist group
which functions mainly out of
New Jersey, has claimed credit
for at least twenty bombings and
the assassinations of two Cuban
Americans, Eulalio Negrin in
November of 1979 and Carlos
Muniz , April of 1979.
A recent report prepared by the
Constitutional Litigation Clinic at
Rutgers Law School for the State
ACLU and the World Council of
Churches has documented a par-
tial list of Cuban exiled terrorist
activities from 1973 to 1980 which
includes over 100 assassinations
and killings and over 100 bom-
bings not to mention the cases of
intimidation, harrassment and
extortion.
The links between the CIA, the
FBI and these groups are well
documented dating back to the
training of the invaders of Bay of
Pigs in 1961. The Watergate in-
cident brought to light these past
links. The assassination of the ex-
ambassador to Chile,
Letelier, in Washington
was carried out in con
with the Chilean governm
How can the Unite(
government have the
demand repayment ofd
of their embassies ov
when right here in New Y
George.
To the Daily:
Was I dreaming when
tly heard the Spirit of G
former King of England
versation with his o
Secretary of State? "A
Pitt - excuse the blasp
what has become ofn
proud American subjec
called me tyrant when
them to keep the Ea
Company afloat andt
bankrupting our brave
merchants!"
"Aye, Sire, T'is sad,
Americans now haste
taxed in a variety of wa
der to avoid the bankru
their industrial masters.
"And their labors ha
them serfs to an In
Feudality which enabl
Industrial Masters to n
waste not only their R
livelihoods but have cr
economic wasteland of t
tiful land which God an
Ill's confusion
cuse my pride - gave to them'.
I recen- They have succumbed to the
eorge III, preachings of their masters from
1, in con- Land Leeches and Lumber
ne time Barons to Motor Moguls. They
My God, have allowed the political
dhemy - democracy which their
my once forefathers created to be turned
ts? They into Political Principalities to
I taxed which they elect economic Prin-
st India ces from among candidates who
to avoid have been hand picked by the
English Barons of Industry. Would they
not have been far betteroff to have
indeed. continued under my kindly ad-
n to be ministrations and those of my
iys in or- successors?"
ptcies of "Indeed, Sire! Can you say that
conditions have been any dif-
ve made ferent in our beloved England
dustrial under the benevolent' reigns of
ed their your nineteenth and twentieth
rape and century successors, including the
ives and illustrious Queens, Victoria and
eated an Elizabeth?"
he boun- -Ralph Muncy
d I - ex- February 18
Orlando
i in 1976
njunction
nent.
d States
face to
damages
verseas,
Bork City
the Cuban and the Soviet
missions have been bombed time
and time again by Cubang
Americans who apparently
operate with relatively little im-
punity? Talk of international
terrorism should begin at home.
-Maria Torres
Feb. 19
Hands off1El Salvador
- -x~
. \ _ ._.. .. -' Wt,.2-=" - .,
To the Daily:
The Reagan administration has
thrown its El Salvador offensive
into high gear in the last two
weeks, and its real targets have
become immediately clear:
Washington is challenging the
Soviet Union and Cuba to a
showdown in Central America. In
this anti-Soviet crusade, Yankee
imperialism has pointed a gun at
the head of Sandinista
Nicaragua, demanding it cut off
aid, to Salvadoran left-wing
liberals, and the Pentagon is
already funneling greatly in-
creased military hardware and
"advisers" to oron up the mur-
peared as alleged blips on a radar
screen), the basis for sending
American troops to Vietnam; or
Lyndon Johnson's famous list of
50-plus "communists" (most of
them in jail or out of the country)
in Santo Domingo, his excuse for
landing the Marines in 1965.
U.S. aid to the bloody military
junta (which claimed over 10,000
victims in 1980) and Reagan's
war threats must be met with
militant mass protest. But it is
not enough to demand that the
U.S. keep its hands off El
Salvador. The Salvadoran
military forces are prepared to
massacre up to 200,000 workers
and peasants to put down "Com-
Letter policies
Letters
to the Daily
should
be
fvnod_
frinl.AcnrmdA wAithl314 ihrh"