One night at the donut shoppe...
By KEN PARSIGIAN cream." she said, tight-lipped. "'Gainst rules,"
and JEFFREY SELBST We all offered Rich a look of sympathy as Phil K
..e. I the TUUE3 went with the palate-tickler. Then we hit upon the
WE'D FINISE)D WORK for the night on the perfect idea. An absolute winner!
paper and were sitting about trying to decide "MISS," SAID Rich, can you please give me a
what to do next. We'd played all the games we SA Rich "ctand yo pleasegiveme" a
could think of-Hangman, Botticelli, and Ghost she of coffee with lots and lots of cream?" Asy
- - . -. -. --~ -she prepared to pour out a cup, he added softly,
when one of us, probably Phil, suggested that we
go out and find something to eat.
That didn't sound worse than anything else, so
off we went. There were four-the other two being
Phil, who had the car, and Rich, the excess bag-
gage. We drove out to the cheap gas station on
Washtenaw, where Phil asked us to contribute to
the Vehicle Fund. We wondered why, seeing as he
never put in more than 50 cents worth of gas at a
shot, td which remark he merely curled his lip-.
The next problem was, of course, where to find
something to eat that was inexpensive and con-.
tained absolutely no nutritive vale. Considering the
array, the choice was not easy. This was Washte-
naw, after all.r
So we happened upon the Strip, heading out to-
ward Ypsilanti. Lives there an Ann Arbor resident
who does not know of the Strip? Ptomaine Speed-
way? For the uninitiated, it consists of hundreds
upon hundreis of fast-food outlets piled one on top
of another, all within a formidably ugly stretch of
Well, it was five in the morning, and most of these
pseudo-food shops were closed. This is truly the
modern ghost town-no sidewalks, no people, only
a sky growing gradually pink and splotches of oil
turning into prisms on the driveways. Here Count
Dracula would wear a McDonald's T-shirt.
WE DIDN'T QUITE decide to go to Dunkin' Do-
nuts, we sort of simply drove there. Let's face
it, it was there or the Pantry, and even at five a.m.
we had some shred of sanity left. Feebly we voiced
or objections, but Phil shut off the ignition. "It's
here or nowhere," he announced. "It's my car and
I want donuts." So it was settled.
Grumbling all the way, the two of us and Rich
followed Phil into the shop. There is no light on
-earth that could reduce the squalid splendor of the
decor. Lots of pink. Lots of formica. And a cheery
snarl to start you on your way.
We all lined up at the counter, hopping up on
the stools that always seem to be situated two
inches higher than your tush. Bleary-eyed, we sur-
veyed the selection of tempting fresh donuts, spe-
cially made for your enjoyment every two hours.
One has to empathize with whoever has, to face
those things every 120 minutes. He isn't paid
enough. He couldn't be
There were the delightful chocolate surprises, the
glazed mouthwaterers, and the rainbow treats. All
topped off with liberal dollops of soybean goo.
The waitress arrived to take our orders, such as
they were. We halfheartedly issued our commands,
that is, except Phil. "Two glazed delights," he said,
licking his chops, "two yummy tummies, and a
mouthwaterer. For now." We gave him slightly
nauseated looks, but he was, as usual, impervious.
RIdHARD HAS STRANGE cravings. Most people
dunk their yummy tummies, or whatever, in
coffee. But for some reason, Rich wanted milk. The
issue of the udder. That white frothy stuff. Much as
the waitress desperately wished to oblige him, she
could not. This Dunkin' Donuts, it seems, had not
received its daily shipment of milk,- and wasn't-to
have any until the next day.
"Cream!" said Richard, with that terribly Eu-
reaka air about him "What about cream? Could
you - would you - sell me some cream?"
The waitress, a woman of bovine simplicity, ap-
peared doubtful. "Cream?"
Richard pointed. "You know - I've been watch-
ing you --- you've been putting it into coffee."
"Coffee?" She hesitated a moment. We all were
observing this exchange closely.
"Have you decided?" asked Rich.
She nodded her head. "Decided," she said. We
all waited for the answer breathlessly. "I've de-
cided to ask the manager"
"Manager?" said Rich.
She leaned over the counter, and said in a close
voice, "He makes all the weighty decisions around
While we were waiting for the ruling to be hand-
ed down, Phil thought about his second round of
orders. ("Shall I have a whipned-cream-palate-
tickler? Or a rasnherry Superslurp? Oh, I can't
make un my mind!")
The waitress came back into the counter area,
head held high. "The manager says we can't sell
"and hold the coffee."
She whirled around, face ablaze. "Qut hassin'
me," she demanded, in a thick suety voice. The
manager strode out from the back room, his pain-
ful lack of years showing through his brite clean
"Quit hasslin' my girl!" he hollered, and the at-
mosphere changed suddenly. What had begun as
jest was now serious. We looked up as he came rap-
idly to the fore. "If you wanta hassle my girls you
can just get out now."
This was our introduction to a person of the class
we refer to as the "Young Entrepreneurial Nazi"
class. Just what is a "young entrepreneurial Nazi"?
Well, he/she is generally just starting out in life,
wants a slice of security to take home, one of two
apple-cheeked little monsters in the back-yard sand-
box, and above all else, a barbeque.
When we were finished, we trooped out to the
car. Now, Phil is filthy rich, and you know how the
rich are when they get incensed. We were about
to leave, when all of a sudden, Phil got out of the
car and walked back into the shop. We saw him
speaking to the manager in excited tones. Then he
"What did you ask him?" inquired Rich.
"I asked him how much it would take to buy his
little hole-in-the-wall," said Phil. "He said $50,000.
I asked him if he'd take a check."
jAUGHING SLIGHTLY, we headed back to Ann
"You know," we suggested to Phil, "what you
should do is buy the place, and change the rules.
Force him to offer a full cup of cream to everyone
who walks in, and if they refuse, make him buy
the cup himself and pour it into the sink."
"No," said Rich. "What you could do would be to
pay for it in 50 one-thousand dollar bills, and then
set the place to the torch, watching his face as all
of his silly, futile hopes and ambition go up in one
huge whiff of smoke .."
Phil looked pensive, and that was a danger sign.
Daily Editors Ken Parsigian and Jeffrey Selbst
have been known to frequent local eateries at un-
The Michigan Daily
Edited and managed by Students at the
University of Michigan
Wednesday, August 4, 1976
News Phone: 764-0552
"Keep Off The Grass"
ANN ARBOR CITY Council is presently debating at its
Monday get-togethers the possibility of an ordinance
change which would allow automobile parking on front
lawns in the campus area. Advocates of such a measure
argue that it would greatly relieve the parking congestion
on campus. The Daily feels' such a move is absolutely-
ridiculous, and urges Council to perhaps take a whirl-
wind tour of campus and see for itself that many of the
homes around here would not benefit by vehicular lawn'
The ordinance change is a confusing one, and would
set aside a certain percentage of lawn space for paved
parking. Granted, it could not increase the number of
cars parked along the curb. However, such a change
might take away from the aesthetic beauty of the cam-
pus residential area, much as it is. Indeed, the ramshackle
condition of campus housing is an eyesore we need not
add to by parking Volvos and Chevys amidst the petunias.
We hope Council continues to explore ways to alle-
viate the-city from its parking dilemma, but offer a few
words of.cliched advice: "Keep Off The Grass".
Postbag: On decertification
To The Daily:
Decertification is not in our interests as cleri-
cal workers at the University. Clearly, there is
no middle ground on this issue. Decertification
serves only management, since it takes away
our right to a voice in determining our wages and
working conditions. Decertification attempts to
focus the just outrage clericals feel against union
bureaucrats into a movement to destroy our un-
ion itself. Decertification is a defeatist movement
that argues for surrender to management, rath-
er than struggle to gain membership control af
the union in order to confront the administration
with our demands. Its success would benefit
only University management and not clericals.
Even the worst of bureaucratic unions have
won minimal economic gains and job security
against the attacks of a profit-driven manage-
ment. Without a union, we could not come close
to even the elementary gains made by organized
labor. It would be a grave mistake to give up the
rights of 3300 clericals to collectively bargain our
wages and working conditions. The administra-
tion would be more than-happy to carry'out these
decisions on their own, without the input of
clericals organized through a union.
THE ADMINISTRATIlON'S history of abuse of.
our contract is reflected in the over 100 griev-
ances filed by clericals. With a union, we have
a collective organization to fight contract viola-
tions and management abuses. Without our union,
we face the hopeless task of individually opposing
arbitrary university decisions that attack our
wages and working conditions. With over 20 dis-
ciplinary layoffs and discharges this past year,
Working people fought many battles over the
last 100 years to form unions. They realized the
the University has shown to what lengths it will
go' to enforce its interests against Burs.
basic opposition of interestsainvolved in the work-
place, and saw that only collectively were they
strong enough to stand up to management. These
relations in the workplace and necessity for a
union are no different today than they were in
the past. Our interests, as clericals, are funda-
mentally opposed to those of University manage-
ment. Their trail of grieved actions are evidence
It is true that many unions have abandoned
their membership by the type of practices we
have seen the "Unity" bureaucrats try to estab-
lish in Local 2001: their attempts to institute ex-
ecutive salaries, expense accounts, and rule over
the membership by executive decision. But our
strong democratic Bylaws and the militant CDU
leadership give the membership the opportunity
to be -the real power in this local.
With on-going self-organization and struggle
through our union, we can win demands like: no
layoffs or speedup; an end to race and sex dis-
crimination, on the job: a shorter work week with
no loss in pay; better pensions and medical in-
s ance and wage increases and longevity pay.
Without a union we will never win any of these