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See Today for details
Latest Deadline in the State and Getting Later Every Night
Vol. LXXXVI gallons
Ann Arbor, Michigan-Thursday, April 1, 1976
Non-Cents
IF CUSEE NEWS HAPPEN CALLrDAILY
Dope note
The Daily has learned that President Ford, a
University alumnus, recently turned down an in-
vitation to speak at this year's commencement
exercises. The reason? Ann Arbor's five dollar
dope law. White House Press Secretary Ron Nes-
sen let slip accidentally that Ford thinks the law
punishes people with a five dollar fine for being
dopes. "He's concerned with his image," Nes-
sen explained. "He doesn't see himself 'as a dope,
but he's afraid that if he's accused of being one,
because of something he might say in his speech,
it'll just reinforce the popular view of him as
a bumbler."
"
Alphabet soup
The CEO yesterday voted to support all ef-
forts by the MSA to investigate the CIA. The
move followed a speech from several SOC mem-
bers who disclosed that the GOP and the SLA
were conspiring with the KGB to put LSD in
Ann Arbor's drinking water which could result
in damage to DNA. Following EO's action the
ABA and the ASPCA notified the FBI that UCLA
planned similar plots using a strain of VD. The
AATU said they would strike if such a plot was
carried out and the UAW will close GM as well.
The FCC said that NBC, ABC and CBS must
issue warnings immediately.
An arm and a leg
Less than a fortnight after the release of their
,report approving most forms of recombinant DNA
research, strange things have been happening to
the 11 members of the University's Committee
B. Although administrators have scrambled to
keep a lid on the news, well-placed sources indi-
cate that committee members Eric Rabkin and
Rosemary Sarri have both grown third arms, while
History Prof. Shaw Livermore has acquired sev-
eral new shoulders, distributed evenly across his
entire body. Other members have reportedly com-
plained of fingers, toes, and various other organs
dropping off at an alarming rate. In a joint
statement, committee members yesterday an-
nounced that they were "rethinking" their en-
dorsement of the controversial experiments.
"
Happenngs...
..today starts off with a bang as ROTC cadets
sweep through the campus arresting and executing
subversives beginning at 6 a.m. ... at 10 a.m.
the School of Architecture and Design will demon-
strate modern demolition techniques as they dyna-
mite the Grad Library, this will be followed with
the erection of pre-fab housing by several local
landlords ... At noon Ralph Nader will speak in Hill
Aud. on The necessity for a laissez-faire econ-
omy" ... at 1 Johnny Orr and Bo Schembechler
will co-host a lecture on "When you're number
two you try harder, but you're still number two"
... The Indu-Kurdish Language Association spon-
sors the first in its series of Gvnzxsl lectures,
named after the eminent linguist Jack Gvnzxsl,
at 11:59 in Lane Hall ... several drunken Mark-
ley residents will get sick during a hall party
at Midnight in Fourth Floor Elliott house ... close
off the day with a wild stag party at the big
white house on South University, beer and pret-
zels will be provided.
"
Positively Mission St.
Bob Dylan's latest single, due to hit the record
stores sometime next week, is called "Tania,"
based on the story of kidnap victim, Symbionese
Liberation Army member, fugitive, and convicted
bank robber Patricia Hearst. The song's chorus
reads:
Here comes the saga of Tania X
The heiress forced to submit to group sex
Convicted of bank rob - ber - REE,
A closet revolutionar - REE,
She could have been the richest lady in the world.
The flip side is entitled "Ernest and Julio,"
recounting the heroic struggle of the Gallo broth-
ers to keep their wine company solvent in the
face of opposition from the United Farmworkers
union.
On the inside .. .
... On Editorial page Sly Hersh writes on the
imminent Communist takeover of Montana ... on
Arts page a rabid writer spews invective, sland-
er, and bile as he files his erudite opinions on
the PTP's new play, "Soft Tomatoes" ... Sports
page editorializes on various unimportant items.
0
On the outside .. .
... due to an unexpected strike by the National
Fillmore, 'No Preference'
victorious in N. Dakota
Daily Photo by Stollovlenin Lubeccgansonsky
HARRY TRUMAN HOLDS up a copy of our sister in competition The Michigan Daily, which true to form got the facts mixed up
and predicted Truman the winner in the presidential primary. Here at The Daily Michigan mistakes like that could never happen.
RESEARCH ACCIDENT BLAMED:
* By IMA WINNER
LINCOLN, Neb. - Thomas
Dewey yesterday beat Harry
Truman in Nebraska's unique
one party, winner-take-all pres-
idential primary by a 65-35 per
cent margin, putting this long-
forgotten presidential contender
back in the national limelight.
In the North Dakota primary
the late Millard Fillmore edged
"No Preference" with a 45 to 43
per cent margin in this state's
Democratic race as a large
number of write-in votes buoyed
the two ahead of a crowded
field of more conventional can-
didates.
IN LINCOLN, Dewey told a
crowd of cheering supporters:
"Truman has2hadthis coming
for the last 28 years. But now
I no longer have to model for
those ridiculous wedding cake
figures."
campaign '76
Truman, prefering the seclu-
sion of his hotel room, issued a
statement reading: "The buck
stops here. My campaign is out
of bucks, so here we stop."
Meanwhile, in North Dakota,
the unpre~dictable voters of the
Flicktail State turned out to cast
write-in votes for two candi-
dates.
WITH 75 per cent of the
state's four precincts reporting,
Fillmore, buoyed by the state's
Whig constituents, carried 45
per cent of the vote, while "No
Preference" followed closely
with 43 per cent.
In the Republican race, Alf
Landon, blazing the comeback
trail, outdistanced challengers
Gerald Ford and Ronald Rea-
gan.
The third major figure in the
Democratic primary, M o r r i s
Udall, conceded the race last
night during a speech in the
lobby of the posh Grand Forks
Ramada.
"WE REALLY needed this
one," the disheartened Arizona
Congressman told a small gath-
ering of his supporters. "But
let's not fret. There's always
the Delaware and the Guam pri-
maries to look forward next
week."
The Fillmore headquarters in
Bismarck, however, was a cen-
ter of much activity as a large
number of the state's Whigs
turned out for a hair-raising
speech from their candidate.
"I'm no deader than anyone
else in this race," said a cheer-
ful Fillmore, "and I came in
second in this race without at-
tacking any other f e 11 o w
Whigs."
FILLMORE ran hard on the
fact that he introduced the first
bathtub to the White House 25
years ago, thus being the first
president to clean up politics
in Washington.
But the biggest winner was
the likeable "No Preference,"
who campaigned lightly and
spent absolutely nothing en
route to capturing two Dakota
delegates.
"No Preference," however,
had no comment last night on
its victory.
IN'THE Republican match-up,
Landon capitalized on a light
voter turn-out to whip President
Ford and challenger Ronald
Reagan.
With three of the state's four
precincts phoning in, Landon
clinched victory by receiving 55
votes, far ahead of Ford's 16
and Reagan's 4 tallies.
Landon, trying to make a po-
litical comebacktat age 88,
pressed the age issue as he ad-
dressed his victory celebration
in nearby Kansas, where the
candidate makes his home.
,'PEOPLE SAY I'm washed
up after I lost to Calvin Cleav-
age, uh . . . or was it the other.
way around, oh . . . sorry, it
was Teddy Roosevelt, no, may-
be it was Franklin.. . .," Lan-
don told an enlightened gather-
ing of the League of Women
Voters in Topeka. "But let me
say this," he added, "I don't
think my age will effect my
mental capacities as president."
Landon added that the fact he
has been out of the political
spectrum fort40 years may have
helped him to take North Da-
kota.
Reagan, unfazed at his four
votes, called his campaign here,
"a substantial showing . .
I'm very pleased with the re-
sult. I didn't expect to get any
votes, because my old movies
aren't televised here."
BULLETIN
Here are the latest election
results from the North Dakota
presidential Primary, as of 1
a.m.' with 75 per cent of the
state's four precincts report-
ing.
DEMOCRATIC RACE
Millard Fillmore 45 per cent
No Preference 43 per cent
Morris Udall 5 per cent
Jimmy Carter 4 per cent
Henry Jackson 3 per cent
REPUBLICAN RACE
Alf Landon 73 per cent
Gerald Ford 21 per cent
Ronald Reagan 6 per cent
Poporncovers N.
Campus
By POPPYCOCK
The entire North Campus
was shrouded in a layer of pop-
corn for several hours last night
following a mysterious explo-
sion which was traced to the
University's Aerospace Engin-
eering Department Laboratory.
Communications and electric-
ity were cut off as showers of
the salted and buttered kernels
shorted out utility wires in the
area.
"I THOUGHT it was a snow-
storm at first," said one Burs-
ley resident. It was 76 deg. out,
but Ann Arbor weather never
surprises me any more."
"My coat is a greasy mess
from this crap," another stu-
dent complained, pulling some
sticky kernels out of his hair.
One of the University's two
snowplows will be sent "as soon
as possible" to clear the clog-
ged streets. Drivers have com-
plained about the loud crunch-
ing noise under their wheels,
and this time it appears they're
not talking about the students
getting off the bus behind Burs-
ley.
CITY police discovered the
fallout's source was a large
cannon - like machine in the
Aerospace lab. While they were
being frisked, project director
D. Pickle and Zeb Fickle ex-
plained they were doing re-
search for Polyunsaturated Oil
Performance
the U.S. Air
"The kern
ated with o
funnel-shape
machine," s
Fickle con
rect varying
red heat tow;
mean kerne
number of
ped kernels)
e (POP), funded by NEXT, Pickle says, "we
Force. throw on the salt and eat the
els are first satur- evidence." The rotund research-
'il, then fired in a er from Los Alamos claimed
d cloud from the the secretive protective ma-
aid Pickle. neuver was the idea of Air
tinued, "then we di- Force brass. Samples are clas-
amounts of infra- sified and strung on evergreens
vards the colonels, I behind the lab. .
Is, to get the least Fickle denied that yesterday's
old maids' (unpop- holocaust was the fault of lab
. workers.
-- "_- "We're so far removed from
reality here that our research
could never boil over into the
practical world," he said.
Students CRUT
at class registration
By I. M. CRAZED
LSA Dean Billy Frye an-
nounced the implementation of
a new computerized registra-
tion system yesterday. The new
method is Computerized Regis-
tration Under Maximum Bu-
reaucracy, Lacking Efficiency
(CRUMBLE).
DIMew
ligfht on revolution
By FAY MUSMEN
A diary, believed to be written by French General La-
fayette during his stay with American troops at Valley
Forge, and recently unearthed by workers constructing a
bicentennial exhibit, could shed new light on the revolution,
according to experts.
Washington College (WC) French Professor Henri K.
Salaud, who has been translating the diary, claims the book
is "Monsieur Lafayette's uncensored account of the winter
he spent with Washington's men . . . and the women of the
nearby towns."
One of the most enlightening entries in the book reads
"Il fait un temps de chien ici. Merde! Quel pays merdique!
C'est un pays infernal de sauvages ou 11 faut toujours mau-
vais. Later the fiery general adds "Quel sale pays! Vive-
men qu'on retourne a Paris!
Salaud translates this as 'I am overjoyed to be with such
friendly people. And the weather! If only Paris had weather
to compare with this!'
THE DIARY also reveals that ILAfayette was not the
favorite of all the American soldiers. One entry reports how
he was dragged before a "peoples tribunal" for his role in a:
"CRUMBLE will be twice as
good as any previous system,"
Frye said.
ONE registrant disagreed,
complaining, "After I waited
in line for 72 hours, I watched
my future 'CRUMBLE' before
my eyes.
HER REMARKS were aimed
at the long lines which plague
the new system. As of early
this morning officials at the
Ohio state line would not allow
students queuing up to cross
into Buckeye territory.
One of the many new innova-
tions of CRUMBLE is the com-
plete elimination of people from
the process. Because of an au-
dio-response unit recently added
to the computer, students are
now able to talk directly to it.
The computer's stand-
ard greeting is, "Hi I'm HAL. I
am here to help you register. I
am completely infallible and
nothing can go wrong, go wrong,
go wrong . . ."
HOWEVER, not all the bugs
have been worked out yet. The
Registrar's office asks that no
one sign up for Comp. 150 until
further notice. One woman try-
ing to CRUMBLE the coarse
earlier this week nut all SAC
forces in the western hemi-
snhere on full military alert.
While doing a routine analv-
sis of a possible nuclear attack
on Cuba, CIA computer experts
in Washington accidently can-
celled three sections of Physics
505 here.
Despite the bugs, officials be-
PICKLE AND Fickle will per-
fect a popcorn bomb this sum-
mer on the Mojave Desert -
where heating costs are mini-
mal.
Pickle reports seeing a hairy
student in blue jeans and a
Boy Scout hat who was care-
less with fire near the lab,
sparking the flammable pop-
corn oil supply.
"We didn't even know it was
loaded," Fickle contended in
an injured tone.
NEW BOOK BARES ALL:
Nixon exposes Post'
By SAM CLEMENCY
Rabbi Baruch Korff an-
nounced yesterday that Phan-
tasmagorical Publications, Ltd.
will publish Richard Nixon's
All the Post's Men. The book
is an expose of Carl Bern-
stein's and Bob Woodward's
last days as Washington Post
reporters before they began
writing books and movie
scripts.
"At this point in time we
should inform the nation of all
the dirty tricks that have been
going on at the Washington
Post," said Korff.
Nixon's book reveals the
truth behind the reporter's
source "Deep Throat" and the
illicit activities they engaged
in to obtain the information they
printed.
Nixon gathered his informa-
.;"