4 1~.. Y q A6F 41it A6F, tnttn NO WEATHER TODAY See Today for details Latest Deadline in the State and Getting Later Every Night Vol. LXXXVI gallons Ann Arbor, Michigan-Thursday, April 1, 1976 Non-Cents IF CUSEE NEWS HAPPEN CALLrDAILY Dope note The Daily has learned that President Ford, a University alumnus, recently turned down an in- vitation to speak at this year's commencement exercises. The reason? Ann Arbor's five dollar dope law. White House Press Secretary Ron Nes- sen let slip accidentally that Ford thinks the law punishes people with a five dollar fine for being dopes. "He's concerned with his image," Nes- sen explained. "He doesn't see himself 'as a dope, but he's afraid that if he's accused of being one, because of something he might say in his speech, it'll just reinforce the popular view of him as a bumbler." " Alphabet soup The CEO yesterday voted to support all ef- forts by the MSA to investigate the CIA. The move followed a speech from several SOC mem- bers who disclosed that the GOP and the SLA were conspiring with the KGB to put LSD in Ann Arbor's drinking water which could result in damage to DNA. Following EO's action the ABA and the ASPCA notified the FBI that UCLA planned similar plots using a strain of VD. The AATU said they would strike if such a plot was carried out and the UAW will close GM as well. The FCC said that NBC, ABC and CBS must issue warnings immediately. An arm and a leg Less than a fortnight after the release of their ,report approving most forms of recombinant DNA research, strange things have been happening to the 11 members of the University's Committee B. Although administrators have scrambled to keep a lid on the news, well-placed sources indi- cate that committee members Eric Rabkin and Rosemary Sarri have both grown third arms, while History Prof. Shaw Livermore has acquired sev- eral new shoulders, distributed evenly across his entire body. Other members have reportedly com- plained of fingers, toes, and various other organs dropping off at an alarming rate. In a joint statement, committee members yesterday an- nounced that they were "rethinking" their en- dorsement of the controversial experiments. " Happenngs... ..today starts off with a bang as ROTC cadets sweep through the campus arresting and executing subversives beginning at 6 a.m. ... at 10 a.m. the School of Architecture and Design will demon- strate modern demolition techniques as they dyna- mite the Grad Library, this will be followed with the erection of pre-fab housing by several local landlords ... At noon Ralph Nader will speak in Hill Aud. on The necessity for a laissez-faire econ- omy" ... at 1 Johnny Orr and Bo Schembechler will co-host a lecture on "When you're number two you try harder, but you're still number two" ... The Indu-Kurdish Language Association spon- sors the first in its series of Gvnzxsl lectures, named after the eminent linguist Jack Gvnzxsl, at 11:59 in Lane Hall ... several drunken Mark- ley residents will get sick during a hall party at Midnight in Fourth Floor Elliott house ... close off the day with a wild stag party at the big white house on South University, beer and pret- zels will be provided. " Positively Mission St. Bob Dylan's latest single, due to hit the record stores sometime next week, is called "Tania," based on the story of kidnap victim, Symbionese Liberation Army member, fugitive, and convicted bank robber Patricia Hearst. The song's chorus reads: Here comes the saga of Tania X The heiress forced to submit to group sex Convicted of bank rob - ber - REE, A closet revolutionar - REE, She could have been the richest lady in the world. The flip side is entitled "Ernest and Julio," recounting the heroic struggle of the Gallo broth- ers to keep their wine company solvent in the face of opposition from the United Farmworkers union. On the inside .. . ... On Editorial page Sly Hersh writes on the imminent Communist takeover of Montana ... on Arts page a rabid writer spews invective, sland- er, and bile as he files his erudite opinions on the PTP's new play, "Soft Tomatoes" ... Sports page editorializes on various unimportant items. 0 On the outside .. . ... due to an unexpected strike by the National Fillmore, 'No Preference' victorious in N. Dakota Daily Photo by Stollovlenin Lubeccgansonsky HARRY TRUMAN HOLDS up a copy of our sister in competition The Michigan Daily, which true to form got the facts mixed up and predicted Truman the winner in the presidential primary. Here at The Daily Michigan mistakes like that could never happen. RESEARCH ACCIDENT BLAMED: * By IMA WINNER LINCOLN, Neb. - Thomas Dewey yesterday beat Harry Truman in Nebraska's unique one party, winner-take-all pres- idential primary by a 65-35 per cent margin, putting this long- forgotten presidential contender back in the national limelight. In the North Dakota primary the late Millard Fillmore edged "No Preference" with a 45 to 43 per cent margin in this state's Democratic race as a large number of write-in votes buoyed the two ahead of a crowded field of more conventional can- didates. IN LINCOLN, Dewey told a crowd of cheering supporters: "Truman has2hadthis coming for the last 28 years. But now I no longer have to model for those ridiculous wedding cake figures." campaign '76 Truman, prefering the seclu- sion of his hotel room, issued a statement reading: "The buck stops here. My campaign is out of bucks, so here we stop." Meanwhile, in North Dakota, the unpre~dictable voters of the Flicktail State turned out to cast write-in votes for two candi- dates. WITH 75 per cent of the state's four precincts reporting, Fillmore, buoyed by the state's Whig constituents, carried 45 per cent of the vote, while "No Preference" followed closely with 43 per cent. In the Republican race, Alf Landon, blazing the comeback trail, outdistanced challengers Gerald Ford and Ronald Rea- gan. The third major figure in the Democratic primary, M o r r i s Udall, conceded the race last night during a speech in the lobby of the posh Grand Forks Ramada. "WE REALLY needed this one," the disheartened Arizona Congressman told a small gath- ering of his supporters. "But let's not fret. There's always the Delaware and the Guam pri- maries to look forward next week." The Fillmore headquarters in Bismarck, however, was a cen- ter of much activity as a large number of the state's Whigs turned out for a hair-raising speech from their candidate. "I'm no deader than anyone else in this race," said a cheer- ful Fillmore, "and I came in second in this race without at- tacking any other f e 11 o w Whigs." FILLMORE ran hard on the fact that he introduced the first bathtub to the White House 25 years ago, thus being the first president to clean up politics in Washington. But the biggest winner was the likeable "No Preference," who campaigned lightly and spent absolutely nothing en route to capturing two Dakota delegates. "No Preference," however, had no comment last night on its victory. IN'THE Republican match-up, Landon capitalized on a light voter turn-out to whip President Ford and challenger Ronald Reagan. With three of the state's four precincts phoning in, Landon clinched victory by receiving 55 votes, far ahead of Ford's 16 and Reagan's 4 tallies. Landon, trying to make a po- litical comebacktat age 88, pressed the age issue as he ad- dressed his victory celebration in nearby Kansas, where the candidate makes his home. ,'PEOPLE SAY I'm washed up after I lost to Calvin Cleav- age, uh . . . or was it the other. way around, oh . . . sorry, it was Teddy Roosevelt, no, may- be it was Franklin.. . .," Lan- don told an enlightened gather- ing of the League of Women Voters in Topeka. "But let me say this," he added, "I don't think my age will effect my mental capacities as president." Landon added that the fact he has been out of the political spectrum fort40 years may have helped him to take North Da- kota. Reagan, unfazed at his four votes, called his campaign here, "a substantial showing . . I'm very pleased with the re- sult. I didn't expect to get any votes, because my old movies aren't televised here." BULLETIN Here are the latest election results from the North Dakota presidential Primary, as of 1 a.m.' with 75 per cent of the state's four precincts report- ing. DEMOCRATIC RACE Millard Fillmore 45 per cent No Preference 43 per cent Morris Udall 5 per cent Jimmy Carter 4 per cent Henry Jackson 3 per cent REPUBLICAN RACE Alf Landon 73 per cent Gerald Ford 21 per cent Ronald Reagan 6 per cent Poporncovers N. Campus By POPPYCOCK The entire North Campus was shrouded in a layer of pop- corn for several hours last night following a mysterious explo- sion which was traced to the University's Aerospace Engin- eering Department Laboratory. Communications and electric- ity were cut off as showers of the salted and buttered kernels shorted out utility wires in the area. "I THOUGHT it was a snow- storm at first," said one Burs- ley resident. It was 76 deg. out, but Ann Arbor weather never surprises me any more." "My coat is a greasy mess from this crap," another stu- dent complained, pulling some sticky kernels out of his hair. One of the University's two snowplows will be sent "as soon as possible" to clear the clog- ged streets. Drivers have com- plained about the loud crunch- ing noise under their wheels, and this time it appears they're not talking about the students getting off the bus behind Burs- ley. CITY police discovered the fallout's source was a large cannon - like machine in the Aerospace lab. While they were being frisked, project director D. Pickle and Zeb Fickle ex- plained they were doing re- search for Polyunsaturated Oil Performance the U.S. Air "The kern ated with o funnel-shape machine," s Fickle con rect varying red heat tow; mean kerne number of ped kernels) e (POP), funded by NEXT, Pickle says, "we Force. throw on the salt and eat the els are first satur- evidence." The rotund research- 'il, then fired in a er from Los Alamos claimed d cloud from the the secretive protective ma- aid Pickle. neuver was the idea of Air tinued, "then we di- Force brass. Samples are clas- amounts of infra- sified and strung on evergreens vards the colonels, I behind the lab. . Is, to get the least Fickle denied that yesterday's old maids' (unpop- holocaust was the fault of lab . workers. -- "_- "We're so far removed from reality here that our research could never boil over into the practical world," he said. Students CRUT at class registration By I. M. CRAZED LSA Dean Billy Frye an- nounced the implementation of a new computerized registra- tion system yesterday. The new method is Computerized Regis- tration Under Maximum Bu- reaucracy, Lacking Efficiency (CRUMBLE). DIMew ligfht on revolution By FAY MUSMEN A diary, believed to be written by French General La- fayette during his stay with American troops at Valley Forge, and recently unearthed by workers constructing a bicentennial exhibit, could shed new light on the revolution, according to experts. Washington College (WC) French Professor Henri K. Salaud, who has been translating the diary, claims the book is "Monsieur Lafayette's uncensored account of the winter he spent with Washington's men . . . and the women of the nearby towns." One of the most enlightening entries in the book reads "Il fait un temps de chien ici. Merde! Quel pays merdique! C'est un pays infernal de sauvages ou 11 faut toujours mau- vais. Later the fiery general adds "Quel sale pays! Vive- men qu'on retourne a Paris! Salaud translates this as 'I am overjoyed to be with such friendly people. And the weather! If only Paris had weather to compare with this!' THE DIARY also reveals that ILAfayette was not the favorite of all the American soldiers. One entry reports how he was dragged before a "peoples tribunal" for his role in a: "CRUMBLE will be twice as good as any previous system," Frye said. ONE registrant disagreed, complaining, "After I waited in line for 72 hours, I watched my future 'CRUMBLE' before my eyes. HER REMARKS were aimed at the long lines which plague the new system. As of early this morning officials at the Ohio state line would not allow students queuing up to cross into Buckeye territory. One of the many new innova- tions of CRUMBLE is the com- plete elimination of people from the process. Because of an au- dio-response unit recently added to the computer, students are now able to talk directly to it. The computer's stand- ard greeting is, "Hi I'm HAL. I am here to help you register. I am completely infallible and nothing can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong . . ." HOWEVER, not all the bugs have been worked out yet. The Registrar's office asks that no one sign up for Comp. 150 until further notice. One woman try- ing to CRUMBLE the coarse earlier this week nut all SAC forces in the western hemi- snhere on full military alert. While doing a routine analv- sis of a possible nuclear attack on Cuba, CIA computer experts in Washington accidently can- celled three sections of Physics 505 here. Despite the bugs, officials be- PICKLE AND Fickle will per- fect a popcorn bomb this sum- mer on the Mojave Desert - where heating costs are mini- mal. Pickle reports seeing a hairy student in blue jeans and a Boy Scout hat who was care- less with fire near the lab, sparking the flammable pop- corn oil supply. "We didn't even know it was loaded," Fickle contended in an injured tone. NEW BOOK BARES ALL: Nixon exposes Post' By SAM CLEMENCY Rabbi Baruch Korff an- nounced yesterday that Phan- tasmagorical Publications, Ltd. will publish Richard Nixon's All the Post's Men. The book is an expose of Carl Bern- stein's and Bob Woodward's last days as Washington Post reporters before they began writing books and movie scripts. "At this point in time we should inform the nation of all the dirty tricks that have been going on at the Washington Post," said Korff. Nixon's book reveals the truth behind the reporter's source "Deep Throat" and the illicit activities they engaged in to obtain the information they printed. Nixon gathered his informa- .;"