83 years of editorial irresponsibility
Sunday, April 1, 1973 Ann Arbor, Michigan-Sunday April 1, 1973 Tw
s IFYOUSEE NEB APPENCALL76DALY
Police esimate that some 100,000 people will be out on the
Diag today for the second annual "Hash Bash." As of last re
port, cars were backed up at least 10 miles on all major thor-
oughfares coming into town. Those who do make it through
the traffic should be in for quite a treat, however. Performing
at the festival will be the Rolling Stones, the Who, anl for the
first time in three years, the Beatles. The steps df the Grad
Library will be covered with cartons of Red Lebanese Hash -
a gift from the Shah of Iran. So if you are reading the paper
before noon today, get yourself out of bed and head for the
Diag. A good time will be had by all.
Following up on a tip from a nosy neighbor, police yesterday
raided the apartment of University Housing Director John Feld-
kamp. Police found Feldkamp in bed with a woman who turned
out not to be his wife. They also discovered three pounds of
marijuana in the closet. Feldkamp was arraigned on charges
possession and cohabitation.
Bion voyage Robben
Federal agents yesterday nabbed University President Rob-
ben Fleming on charges of smuggling marjuana. The agents
believe Fleming is the mastermind of the famed "Mexican Con-
nection" dope deal. It is rumored that Fleming will soon be off
on another extended vacation.
The Harvey saga
Under intense pressure from Congress, President Nixon
yesterday withdrew the name of L. Patrick Gray for nomination
as FBI director. Nixon's new nominee is none other than for-
mer Washtenaw County Cheriff DouglesHarvey. In recommend-
ing Harvey, Nixon called the former sheriff a "great Ameri-
can whose integrityis above reproach." Harvey, who received
the news in the Benzie County jail where he currently is serving
time on a drunken driving charge, accepted the nomination. He
announced he would name Ann' Arbor News police reporter Bill
Treml to the number two spot in the department -... .. - -'.-.
HRP members impeached
The City Council voted unanimously last night to remove two
HRP council members from their seats for "blatant disregard
of good taste and offending the public mores." The pair, Nancy
Wechsler and Jerry De Grieck, reportedly were exploring their
ownsexuality in the midst of a debate on meat prices.
Happenings . .
a fair degree of sex anda stack ofdirty dishes tops a
moderate pile . .. big event of the day will be a duel on the Diag
athigh noon between the Ann Arbor Police Dept. and the city's
pot smokers at the second annual Hash Festival. . . the campus
branch of Americans United Against Canineswill present a cere-
monial execution of overS0 large and intermediate size hounds
on People's Plaza at 2 p.m. an orgy tonite at Alice Lloyd
starting at 11 p.m. . . . SDS holds a bomb making seminar at
10 p.m. outside the ROTC building . . . Med School faculty will
discuss merits of Marcus Welby and Richard Chamberlain as
candidates for Med School Dean.
ITT Vice-President Edward Gerrity revealed yesterday that
his company was merely a subsidiary of the Rainbow Corpora-
tion. Speaking before a congressional committee, Gerrity related
an incredible story of intrigue and suspense about the relation-
ship between the two monster companies. "The Rainbow Peo-
ple made us cut all the phone lines in Chile," Gerrity confessed.
"They thought that if people didn't have telephones, they'd
spend more time smoking dope. Since they have a monopoly on
dope in Chile, they assumed they'd make a mint." No one at
the Rainbow House could be reached for a comment. Rumor had
it they had all left for a weekend party on the company's yacht
in the Caribbean.
The long-awaited ISR study on the attitudes of goldfish was"
finally released yesterday and according to center director An-
gus Campbell, the results are simply incredible. The study com-
piled at an expense of $5 million found that the sexual, social and
political attitudes of the fish had changed little in the last decade.
Campbell termed the findings "the most relevant research this
center has ever done."j
On the inside .. .
Movie Critic Richard Glatzer explains that Laur-
ence Olivier is a "no talent actor" on the Art Page .
The Editorial Page accuses Nixon of selling out to the
Pinkos . . . Sports has the late results of the Football
team's sexual conquest record on their page.
A glacier moving Eastward from Jackson threatens to
destroy most of the West side of town by early afternoon
and tornados from the South promise to wipe out most
life forms between here and Toledo. Temperatures will rise
again by evening, reaching a high of 200 deg. by midnight.
Earthquakes and blizzards by tomorrow. Have a nice day.
By LADISLAS FARAGO
with JEAN-PAUL MOLINAIRE
Martin Bormann is alive, well
and living in Ann Arbor.j
Yes, that is the staggering con-
clusion of a six month investigation
by crack Daily reporters who trek-
ed the Western Hemisphere in an
attempt to locate the elusive on-
the-run Nazi war criminal.
The Daily team, comprised of
noted cynic and author and Daily'
flew thousands of miles, scanned
hundreds of photographs, inter-
viewed dozens of witnesses, left
no stone unturned.
The break came last week,
when Bormann, looking tired and
wrinkled, was finally tracked
down to the Middle-aged Ger-
man Restaurant on Ann Arbor's
Wearing the white jacket of a
busboy, Hitler's former lieutenant
of wierner schnitzel from a plate.
We asked him if he was in-
deed the notorious Nazi war
South American school teacher by
another Michigan morning news-
paper, immediately provoked a
storm of praise from commentators
across the nation.
The Pulitzer Committee of the
Columbia School of Journalism
went into special session to
award a prize to The Daily and
its crack investigative team.
Israeli Premier Golda Meir
sent a message of praise from her
headquarters in the Cairo Hilton.
A spokesman for the London
Daily Express had no comment.'
"Zank Got. I haf
to convess my guilt
I giff up," was the
for too long.
reply of the
The Daily team immediately pho-I
tographed Bormann, then turned
him over to a rabbi at the Hillel
Foundation for trial and execution.
headline writer Ladislas Farago and notorious mass murderer was
and his intrepid assistant, ace quietly clearing dishes from a cor- The discovery
newsperson Jean-Paul Molinaire, ner table and scraping remnants was incorrectly
Lt 1(At Ut1li Y[+V Va+t+u+a.
of Bormann, who
reported to be a
Three major parties
From Our City-County Bureau
To the surprise of politicians and pundits alike, former presiden-
tial candidate George Papoon won election as mayor of Ann Arbor
yesterday in an incredible mudslide.
Papoon, who was not even on the ballot, was baffled by the news.
"You must mean mayor of New York," he commented. "I can't be
mayor of Ann Arbor. I don't even know where it is."
'Despite tke candidate's comments, the final results show that he
has indeed been elected. Experts poring over the figures attributed
Papoon's victory to a heavy turnout by the city's non-human residents.
"Spider and mitochondria showed up at the polls in truly incredi-
ble numbers," said City Clerk Harold Saunders. Saunders was origin-
ally to have resigned after the election but as he put it yesterday,
"What, and miss a chance to serve under George Papoon. Not on
By Our White House Correspondent
WASHINGTON -- Despite per-
sistent White House denials, it
has become apparent that the
rumors of a sordid love affair
between Julie, David Eisenhower
and presidential confident Bebe
Rebozo are undeniably true.:
The proof was supplied at a
special Washington press confer-
ence yesterday where movies de-
picting an incredible love-making
session among the three were :
shown to the press.
After viewing the films, one vet-:
eran correspondent r e m a rk e d,
"ThatrNixon kid,she sure had us
fooled. She was doing things that
would have made Linda Lovelace :
The films were taken by none$
other than White House aide H. R.
Haldeman who shot them on a
weekend visit to the Virginia home
which the Eisenhowers' rent from:
"I always take home movies
of the Nixon family," said Halde-j
man, looking somewhat- perplex- '
ed at an afternoon news confer-
ence. "I can't understand why
people are getting so excited."
After some intense questioning
however Haldeman's normally ex-
pressionless face broke into a
broad grin and he giggled, "You
should have seen the things Julie E Em
was doing to BeBe's Rebozo."
News of the affair has caused
quite an uproar in Washington. WILLIAM "BIG BILL" JACOBS
Senator Sam Ervin (D-N.C.) has
issued a supboena demanding the
White House turn the films over
to the Congress.
"I don't see why the execu- LI
tive branch should have all the
fun," com tedErvingAndBy MARVIN GARDENS
after we're finished looking at Peking Bureau Chief
them, I promised to give them special To The Daily
to the Supreme Court."
The President is reportedly quite PEKING - In a startling an-
upset over the affair but has yet nouncement, t h a t may have
to issue a statement on the matter. world - wide implications, M a o
Rebozo, however, has shown no Tse-tung, leader of the People's
reluctance to talk to the press and Republic of China, and William
risk his life-long friendship with Jacobs, president of Student
the President. Government Council, said yester-
"We're going to form a new day that they have establishedj
movie company," said Rebozo, full trade relations.
who spoke to the press au natural The breakthrough in the secret
from his Virginia Beach home. talks apparently came yesterday
"I'm going to be the producer, after a reported threat made by
Haldeman will be our cameraman Jacobs on the life of the 78-year-
and Julie and David will be the old Mao. Mao denied that his life
stars." was threatened.
'rlio thraa rnnrliriatac
i e unree n auiutmes or te
city's major parties were equally
shocked by the results. HRP can-
didate Be Kaimowitz searching for xlnto adtebaeo
an epanatio ltaid the blame on
her party's platform. r "
"liur platform was over three
feet high," she said. "I guess too
many people fell off it.
Her husband and chief politi-
ney with experience in dealingocosts
with crazies, described Papoon
as "not insane." By our food writer
Democrat Franz Mogdis took the Yes, it's hard times indeed.
news even harder. A former China What with the price of everything
scholar, Mogdis began babbling these days, it's a wonder some of
incessantly in Chinese and des- us don't just fade away altogether.
pite heavy sedation could not re- Fortunately, we in Ann Arbor
gain his command of the English are a university community.
language. And with all the ingenuity that
Papoon seized on the occasion so much brain power can provide,
and appointed Mogdis prince of all ways are being found to combat
the city's Chinese restaurants and inflation.
laundries. Ms. Robben Fleming, wife of the
well known president and bore,
Republican James Stephenson writes to suggest that we discard
could not be reached for a com- overpriced canned dog food and
ment. His house was buried in experiment with the dried crun-
the Papoon mudslide. chy stuff...
Speculation as to what a Pa- "I give it to Robben every
poon administration will mean to night," Mrs. Fleming writes. "He
this city was the primary topic of doesn't even seem to notice."
conversation yesterday and the Ms. Thomas Dunn, spouse of the
mayor - elect provided some ans- notorious acting chemistry depart-
wers to citizen's questions in an ment chairman, suggest substitut-
evening news conference. ing shredded memoranda for let-
"I will continue this city's proud tuce in salad.
record of affirmative hiring," Pa- "I've got no shortage of raw
poon declared, materials," giggles Ms. Dunn.
"Elephants and giraffes will be Alas. If only more of us could
represented in direct proportion to enjoy such succulent dishes.
their numbers in the general The latest intelligence from the
population." Quads is less encouraging.
Papoon also allayed fears by A severe shortage of rat meat
women's group that he would not has forced many students to turn
be sympathetic to their cause. "Of to less expensive cuts of meat, in-
course I'll respect women," said cluding cockroaches, flies and
the new mayor. "Some of my best dried turds.
friends are women." Continued on Page 84
Daily Photo by EGG F00 YOUNG
gives five to Mao in the Great Hall of the People in Peking yesterday.
"He did absolutely not threaten 3. Further, Schaper and Choo
my life," said- Mao. "But he said will negotiate additional features of
that if I did not agree he would trade. It is reported that Schaper
By OSCAR ZETA ACOSTA
The University Steam tunnels, once the
playground of drunken fraternity brothers
and university maintenance men, has be-
come the scene of mystery, intrigue and
milk curdling violence.
Dominic Leland, a grad student in the
school of Natural Resources, while recent-
ly testing out his now "glows where you
go" compass perceived a yellow light ap-
proaching from down some long dark cor-
ridor in the steam tunnels. At closer in-
spection it seemed that the light was car-
ried by a hunched over figure of a man.
shock, minor bruises and fallen arches.
University Authorities called the inci-
dent, "the ravings of some dope crazed
lunatic." President Fleming damned Le-
land as some communist-anarchist-nihilist
who is out to "defame the name of the
research center of the midwest." Housing
John Feldkamp had no comment but has
revoked Lelands housing contract.
On March 26, The Daily received an
anonymous call, that insinuated t h a t the
hermit could be the remains of one Horace
P. Schlochmeisterk, a choir director at the
university in the early 1920's who was
supply of Boones Farm apple wine, and an
anti-hermit spray devised by chemistry
professor Tom Dunn.
On March 31, Ann Arbor Police -found
Ginzlers' body mercilessly butchered in the
University Steam tunnels. His eyes had
been removed, his hair had been shorn, his
ID card had been defaced and his five
day supply of Boones Farm apple wine had
Detective John Nosupdeass of the Ann
Arbor Police calls the murder "brutal,
heartless and a dirty rotten shame." Police
break both of my legs."
"I can barely walk now," the
aged leader continued, "and that
brute threatened to cripple me.
What could I do?" he said as he
broke into tears, reportedly the
first time he has done so in ;public.
The two leaders' talks came after
preliminary negotiations between
China's Premier Chou En-lai and
SGC Presidential Envoy Dr. John
Koza. Chou was reported to have
been reluctant to discuss trade ne-
gotiations with SGC, but relented
when Koza showed him a computer
program proving that China could
not lose money on the deal. "It's
amazing what that man can do
with a computer," Chou said. "Ie
showed that SGC's GNP is growing
faster than China's."
An apparent snag in the talks
came when the Chinese trade
minister A Choo claimed that he
had been swindled by SGC Trmeas-
"He almost took us for si. bil-
lion dollars," said Choo. "Lucky I
caught it on my abacus."
Schaper vehemently denied the
charge. "It was a simple account-
ing error," he said with a straight
face. "I entered six billion dollars
in my accounts instead of six dol-
lars. It's j'st a matter of nine
would especially like to dump
15,000 unread copies of the Mich-
igan Student News on the Chinese.
(Numerous apartment landlords
have complained that piles of The
News are blocking stairways and
have become a fire hazard. Others
have complained that merely read-'
ing The News is a mental hazard.)