.,, .. ,. '°.. . . Y Sitr tgan i1 aI 83 years of editorial irresponsibility Sunday, April 1, 1973 Ann Arbor, Michigan-Sunday April 1, 1973 Tw elve Pages f . s IFYOUSEE NEB APPENCALL76DALY Biggest bash Police esimate that some 100,000 people will be out on the Diag today for the second annual "Hash Bash." As of last re port, cars were backed up at least 10 miles on all major thor- oughfares coming into town. Those who do make it through the traffic should be in for quite a treat, however. Performing at the festival will be the Rolling Stones, the Who, anl for the first time in three years, the Beatles. The steps df the Grad Library will be covered with cartons of Red Lebanese Hash - a gift from the Shah of Iran. So if you are reading the paper before noon today, get yourself out of bed and head for the Diag. A good time will be had by all. Feldkamp foiled Following up on a tip from a nosy neighbor, police yesterday raided the apartment of University Housing Director John Feld- kamp. Police found Feldkamp in bed with a woman who turned out not to be his wife. They also discovered three pounds of marijuana in the closet. Feldkamp was arraigned on charges possession and cohabitation. Bion voyage Robben Federal agents yesterday nabbed University President Rob- ben Fleming on charges of smuggling marjuana. The agents believe Fleming is the mastermind of the famed "Mexican Con- nection" dope deal. It is rumored that Fleming will soon be off on another extended vacation. The Harvey saga Under intense pressure from Congress, President Nixon yesterday withdrew the name of L. Patrick Gray for nomination as FBI director. Nixon's new nominee is none other than for- mer Washtenaw County Cheriff DouglesHarvey. In recommend- ing Harvey, Nixon called the former sheriff a "great Ameri- can whose integrityis above reproach." Harvey, who received the news in the Benzie County jail where he currently is serving time on a drunken driving charge, accepted the nomination. He announced he would name Ann' Arbor News police reporter Bill Treml to the number two spot in the department -... .. - -'.-. HRP members impeached The City Council voted unanimously last night to remove two HRP council members from their seats for "blatant disregard of good taste and offending the public mores." The pair, Nancy Wechsler and Jerry De Grieck, reportedly were exploring their ownsexuality in the midst of a debate on meat prices. Happenings . . a fair degree of sex anda stack ofdirty dishes tops a moderate pile . .. big event of the day will be a duel on the Diag athigh noon between the Ann Arbor Police Dept. and the city's pot smokers at the second annual Hash Festival. . . the campus branch of Americans United Against Canineswill present a cere- monial execution of overS0 large and intermediate size hounds on People's Plaza at 2 p.m. an orgy tonite at Alice Lloyd starting at 11 p.m. . . . SDS holds a bomb making seminar at 10 p.m. outside the ROTC building . . . Med School faculty will discuss merits of Marcus Welby and Richard Chamberlain as candidates for Med School Dean. Big Brother ITT Vice-President Edward Gerrity revealed yesterday that his company was merely a subsidiary of the Rainbow Corpora- tion. Speaking before a congressional committee, Gerrity related an incredible story of intrigue and suspense about the relation- ship between the two monster companies. "The Rainbow Peo- ple made us cut all the phone lines in Chile," Gerrity confessed. "They thought that if people didn't have telephones, they'd spend more time smoking dope. Since they have a monopoly on dope in Chile, they assumed they'd make a mint." No one at the Rainbow House could be reached for a comment. Rumor had it they had all left for a weekend party on the company's yacht in the Caribbean. Academic breakthrough The long-awaited ISR study on the attitudes of goldfish was" finally released yesterday and according to center director An- gus Campbell, the results are simply incredible. The study com- piled at an expense of $5 million found that the sexual, social and political attitudes of the fish had changed little in the last decade. Campbell termed the findings "the most relevant research this center has ever done."j On the inside .. . Movie Critic Richard Glatzer explains that Laur- ence Olivier is a "no talent actor" on the Art Page . The Editorial Page accuses Nixon of selling out to the Pinkos . . . Sports has the late results of the Football team's sexual conquest record on their page. A2's Weather A glacier moving Eastward from Jackson threatens to destroy most of the West side of town by early afternoon and tornados from the South promise to wipe out most life forms between here and Toledo. Temperatures will rise again by evening, reaching a high of 200 deg. by midnight. Earthquakes and blizzards by tomorrow. Have a nice day. Mysteries lurk Borman n discovered InI By LADISLAS FARAGO with JEAN-PAUL MOLINAIRE Martin Bormann is alive, well and living in Ann Arbor.j Yes, that is the staggering con- clusion of a six month investigation by crack Daily reporters who trek- ed the Western Hemisphere in an attempt to locate the elusive on- the-run Nazi war criminal. The Daily team, comprised of noted cynic and author and Daily' flew thousands of miles, scanned hundreds of photographs, inter- viewed dozens of witnesses, left no stone unturned. The break came last week, when Bormann, looking tired and wrinkled, was finally tracked down to the Middle-aged Ger- man Restaurant on Ann Arbor's Washington Street. Wearing the white jacket of a busboy, Hitler's former lieutenant of wierner schnitzel from a plate. We asked him if he was in- deed the notorious Nazi war criminal. South American school teacher by another Michigan morning news- paper, immediately provoked a storm of praise from commentators across the nation. The Pulitzer Committee of the Columbia School of Journalism went into special session to award a prize to The Daily and its crack investigative team. Israeli Premier Golda Meir sent a message of praise from her headquarters in the Cairo Hilton. A spokesman for the London Daily Express had no comment.' 4rbor "Zank Got. I haf to convess my guilt I giff up," was the notorious fascist. been vaiting for too long. reply of the The Daily team immediately pho-I tographed Bormann, then turned him over to a rabbi at the Hillel Foundation for trial and execution. i headline writer Ladislas Farago and notorious mass murderer was and his intrepid assistant, ace quietly clearing dishes from a cor- The discovery newsperson Jean-Paul Molinaire, ner table and scraping remnants was incorrectly Lt 1(At Ut1li Y[+V Va+t+u+a. Bormann then Papoon heavy n Vile GOP' love story takes city of Bormann, who reported to be a 0 on-human '' Bormann now tu rLnout cited Three major parties completely baffled From Our City-County Bureau To the surprise of politicians and pundits alike, former presiden- tial candidate George Papoon won election as mayor of Ann Arbor yesterday in an incredible mudslide. Papoon, who was not even on the ballot, was baffled by the news. "You must mean mayor of New York," he commented. "I can't be mayor of Ann Arbor. I don't even know where it is." 'Despite tke candidate's comments, the final results show that he has indeed been elected. Experts poring over the figures attributed Papoon's victory to a heavy turnout by the city's non-human residents. "Spider and mitochondria showed up at the polls in truly incredi- ble numbers," said City Clerk Harold Saunders. Saunders was origin- ally to have resigned after the election but as he put it yesterday, "What, and miss a chance to serve under George Papoon. Not on your life." exposed By Our White House Correspondent WASHINGTON -- Despite per- sistent White House denials, it has become apparent that the rumors of a sordid love affair between Julie, David Eisenhower and presidential confident Bebe Rebozo are undeniably true.: The proof was supplied at a special Washington press confer- ence yesterday where movies de- picting an incredible love-making session among the three were : shown to the press. After viewing the films, one vet-: eran correspondent r e m a rk e d, "ThatrNixon kid,she sure had us fooled. She was doing things that would have made Linda Lovelace : jealous." The films were taken by none$ other than White House aide H. R. Haldeman who shot them on a weekend visit to the Virginia home which the Eisenhowers' rent from: Rebozo. "I always take home movies of the Nixon family," said Halde-j man, looking somewhat- perplex- ' ed at an afternoon news confer- ence. "I can't understand why people are getting so excited." After some intense questioning however Haldeman's normally ex- pressionless face broke into a broad grin and he giggled, "You should have seen the things Julie E Em was doing to BeBe's Rebozo." News of the affair has caused quite an uproar in Washington. WILLIAM "BIG BILL" JACOBS Senator Sam Ervin (D-N.C.) has issued a supboena demanding the White House turn the films over to the Congress. "I don't see why the execu- LI tive branch should have all the fun," com tedErvingAndBy MARVIN GARDENS after we're finished looking at Peking Bureau Chief them, I promised to give them special To The Daily to the Supreme Court." The President is reportedly quite PEKING - In a startling an- upset over the affair but has yet nouncement, t h a t may have to issue a statement on the matter. world - wide implications, M a o Rebozo, however, has shown no Tse-tung, leader of the People's reluctance to talk to the press and Republic of China, and William risk his life-long friendship with Jacobs, president of Student the President. Government Council, said yester- "We're going to form a new day that they have establishedj movie company," said Rebozo, full trade relations. who spoke to the press au natural The breakthrough in the secret from his Virginia Beach home. talks apparently came yesterday "I'm going to be the producer, after a reported threat made by Haldeman will be our cameraman Jacobs on the life of the 78-year- and Julie and David will be the old Mao. Mao denied that his life stars." was threatened. 'rlio thraa rnnrliriatac of thU" i e unree n auiutmes or te city's major parties were equally shocked by the results. HRP can- didate Be Kaimowitz searching for xlnto adtebaeo an epanatio ltaid the blame on her party's platform. r " "liur platform was over three feet high," she said. "I guess too many people fell off it. Her husband and chief politi- ney with experience in dealingocosts with crazies, described Papoon as "not insane." By our food writer Democrat Franz Mogdis took the Yes, it's hard times indeed. news even harder. A former China What with the price of everything scholar, Mogdis began babbling these days, it's a wonder some of incessantly in Chinese and des- us don't just fade away altogether. pite heavy sedation could not re- Fortunately, we in Ann Arbor gain his command of the English are a university community. language. And with all the ingenuity that Papoon seized on the occasion so much brain power can provide, and appointed Mogdis prince of all ways are being found to combat the city's Chinese restaurants and inflation. laundries. Ms. Robben Fleming, wife of the well known president and bore, Republican James Stephenson writes to suggest that we discard could not be reached for a com- overpriced canned dog food and ment. His house was buried in experiment with the dried crun- the Papoon mudslide. chy stuff... Speculation as to what a Pa- "I give it to Robben every poon administration will mean to night," Mrs. Fleming writes. "He this city was the primary topic of doesn't even seem to notice." conversation yesterday and the Ms. Thomas Dunn, spouse of the mayor - elect provided some ans- notorious acting chemistry depart- wers to citizen's questions in an ment chairman, suggest substitut- evening news conference. ing shredded memoranda for let- "I will continue this city's proud tuce in salad. record of affirmative hiring," Pa- "I've got no shortage of raw poon declared, materials," giggles Ms. Dunn. "Elephants and giraffes will be Alas. If only more of us could represented in direct proportion to enjoy such succulent dishes. their numbers in the general The latest intelligence from the population." Quads is less encouraging. Papoon also allayed fears by A severe shortage of rat meat women's group that he would not has forced many students to turn be sympathetic to their cause. "Of to less expensive cuts of meat, in- course I'll respect women," said cluding cockroaches, flies and the new mayor. "Some of my best dried turds. friends are women." Continued on Page 84 Daily Photo by EGG F00 YOUNG gives five to Mao in the Great Hall of the People in Peking yesterday. iina to sign pact "He did absolutely not threaten 3. Further, Schaper and Choo my life," said- Mao. "But he said will negotiate additional features of that if I did not agree he would trade. It is reported that Schaper i {i I t below By OSCAR ZETA ACOSTA The University Steam tunnels, once the playground of drunken fraternity brothers and university maintenance men, has be- come the scene of mystery, intrigue and milk curdling violence. Dominic Leland, a grad student in the school of Natural Resources, while recent- ly testing out his now "glows where you go" compass perceived a yellow light ap- proaching from down some long dark cor- ridor in the steam tunnels. At closer in- spection it seemed that the light was car- ried by a hunched over figure of a man. shock, minor bruises and fallen arches. University Authorities called the inci- dent, "the ravings of some dope crazed lunatic." President Fleming damned Le- land as some communist-anarchist-nihilist who is out to "defame the name of the research center of the midwest." Housing John Feldkamp had no comment but has revoked Lelands housing contract. On March 26, The Daily received an anonymous call, that insinuated t h a t the hermit could be the remains of one Horace P. Schlochmeisterk, a choir director at the university in the early 1920's who was ~big 'U' supply of Boones Farm apple wine, and an anti-hermit spray devised by chemistry professor Tom Dunn. On March 31, Ann Arbor Police -found Ginzlers' body mercilessly butchered in the University Steam tunnels. His eyes had been removed, his hair had been shorn, his ID card had been defaced and his five day supply of Boones Farm apple wine had been confiscated. Detective John Nosupdeass of the Ann Arbor Police calls the murder "brutal, heartless and a dirty rotten shame." Police break both of my legs." "I can barely walk now," the aged leader continued, "and that brute threatened to cripple me. What could I do?" he said as he broke into tears, reportedly the first time he has done so in ;public. The two leaders' talks came after preliminary negotiations between China's Premier Chou En-lai and SGC Presidential Envoy Dr. John Koza. Chou was reported to have been reluctant to discuss trade ne- gotiations with SGC, but relented when Koza showed him a computer program proving that China could not lose money on the deal. "It's amazing what that man can do with a computer," Chou said. "Ie showed that SGC's GNP is growing faster than China's." An apparent snag in the talks came when the Chinese trade minister A Choo claimed that he had been swindled by SGC Trmeas- urerbDavid Schaper. "He almost took us for si. bil- lion dollars," said Choo. "Lucky I caught it on my abacus." Schaper vehemently denied the charge. "It was a simple account- ing error," he said with a straight face. "I entered six billion dollars in my accounts instead of six dol- lars. It's j'st a matter of nine decimal points." would especially like to dump 15,000 unread copies of the Mich- igan Student News on the Chinese. (Numerous apartment landlords have complained that piles of The News are blocking stairways and have become a fire hazard. Others have complained that merely read-' ing The News is a mental hazard.) i:l: X.X.